Declaring One's Self an Unfit Mother

It happened suddenly without notice. I was on the phone talking to my grandmother and then I began breathing heavily. I was struggling to stand, feeling faint I mumbled something to her over the phone, then I hung up. I dialed my fiance's phone number slowly -- it seemed like it took forever and then I realized I couldn't speak, I gave the phone to my two year old who was standing there observing my desposition. He told his daddy, "Mommy needs to go to sleep." He repeated again, "Mommy go to sleep." At this point I managed to climb over my toddler's security fencing fearing I might fall down and bump my head on a wooden desk that sat nearby. I took baby steps to the bedroom and collapsed on the bed. I still had enough strength to roll over on my back and that's when the seizures began. I was coherent. I knew that my body was shaking and I heard the little footsteps run into my bedroom, "Stop shaking mommy -- stop it!" My toddler jumped on the bed, patting me on my chest with his little brown hands, with tears in his eyes, he cried, "Stop it." He rubbed my chest, "It will be okay mommy." He jumped off the bed, ran into the living room, and I heard him screaming in the phone, "Daddy, Daaadddy!" He sobbed. He ran back into my bedroom. He looked at me. He was crying, but he somehow got himself together and when my seizures began to calm, he laid his head on my chest.

Meanwhile, his brother was sound asleep in the next bedroom. He never knew what was happening. The seizures started up again. My toddler runs out of the bedroom and into the living room. I hear the front door. His dad's footsteps come down the hall into the bedroom, he has my medicine in his hand. The seizures were violent moving me to and fro on the bed and I felt my eyes big and wide. Then there was another moment of calm. I was staring at his dad. He manages to hold me up and put a pill in my mouth. I swallow. Less than 20 minutes later the pills take effect and I am talking as if nothing ever happened.

I learned later that I had a panic anxiety disorder also known as a nervous breakdown. I remember prior to the seizures feeling stressed. I was in the process of sorting some things out in my personal and professional life. The day that I chose to talk to my grandmother was the day that I had let go of some things. I had a personal breakthrough, but I guess in order to get from there (being stressed) to here (finding peace) I had to go through a process.

This was the second attack of its kind and it reinforced a hidden secret I had about my self, I was an unfit mother. I couldn't be trusted at home with the children. I had seen different doctors and they all said that my test results were normal. I had prayed with believers and even they said, "Everything would be fine, just trust in the Lord." All of this was nice to hear, but my fiance and I knew the truth, everything wasn't fine and the reality was that something was setting the attacks off and neither I or the doctors knew.

However, there was an antidepressant that I was taking at the time and of course the doctor who prescribed it was quick to defend it, but after conducting research of my own, I learned that other mothers who had been prescribed the same drug for postpartum blues had similar side effects. The drug was Paxil. For some mothers, they boasted on the effects of this "miracle drug." But for others, the results weren't so positive. Some complained of everything from an increase in weight gain to an increase in depression. When I reflected on my various bodily and mental changes while on this drug, I found that it started out helping me, like the other I took in the past, but then gradually became my own worst enemy.

This was supposed to be the solution to another drug I had been on which was Lexapro. I had learned that doctors will switch from drug to drug until something works. So while they were trying to figure out what my issues were, I was a mother at home with two little ones and I was expected to be a "fit" mother at all times. Well that gradually became more and more of a challenge for me, so much in fact that I suspected my sons' father was formulating his own opinions in his head about me. "I don't know if I can trust her with our children." Understandably so, that was why I had to reach a conscience decision to allow the professional childcare agencies to take care of them or a relative. I knew that I couldn't continue to be at home with them by myself for over 10 hours a day, five days a week. I had reached the end of my stay-at-home mother routine.

So I tell this story not to gain sympathy, but I tell it so that one can have the boldness and courage, who may be in a similar situation, to declare one's self an unfit mother. Oh yes being an unfit mother has negative connotations and we often think of drug and child abusers, but anytime you can't take care of your children for a limited time or for a lifetime the court, society, even your relatives and friends will deem you unfit. Of course, there are nicer ways of putting it, "unable to care for, not well, disabled, handicapped..." whatever you choose to describe your situation is up to you. But the bottom line is don't wait for someone else to make that declaration for you like the police, child enforcement authorities, a judge, your ex-husband, etc. If you can't take care of the children, you just can't! It's better to trust someone else who you know is more mentally capable to handle them until you can get the help you need. I think of all the women who were so far gone mentally that they couldn't or wouldn't ask for help. Then one day they suddenly snapped and that's when they and society started screaming, "Help!" often when it's too late.

Mother Thinks She Knows Best...

There will be those times when mother and daughter will disagree. You will say something happened one way, she will insist that it happened the other way. When times like these occur it makes you wish you had a "do over" button. You start to have a headache or stomachache, because mother wants to insist that she knows best when sometimes she doesn't have a clue!

I think sometimes mothers tend to think they know more then their adult children because they watched a show on television or read a magazine, but as we all know there is nothing like experience! It's easy to sit back and fantasize from a seat in your livingroom, but it is a whole different story when you are actually in the line of fire. I personally feel not just mothers, but anyone who hasn't "been there and done that" should keep quiet! I also feel because one has "been there and done that" doesn't mean that everyone will feel the same way about their experience. For example, I have heard some mothers talk about the joy of caring for their newborn and I have also heard other mothers talk about the struggles of caring for their newborn. I personally don't think that one should assume, because a mother has a newborn she is supposed to feel a certain way.

Anyway, back to the issue about mother and daughter relationships. Some mothers need to do more listening and less talking. They assume because they have "seen the movie" they know alot. When in reality, if they were put in a similar crisis they may not handle it in the way that they may be advising their daughter to handle it. That is why it is so important to be your own woman -- make your own life decisions without advice from mom. God has given us all common sense, wisdom, eyes to read, and ears to hear, it's up to us to find solutions to our problems by ourselves that way if anything goes wrong we can only blame us.

I personally enjoy finding answers to my own dilemmas without my mother or grandmother's input because what I don't want to hear later is, "I told you..."

You see, the "I told you" comments have become a huge turnoff for me. What they tell me is "Aha I'm right your wrong." Sometimes it isn't an issue of right and wrong, but they will make it seem that way. When you are having a conversation with someone and they just so happen to guess correctly about a problem you are having, it doesn't mean that for now on they should be the go to person! I think some people would love to be the one in your life who you would one day say, "If it wasn't for...I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing!" I have learned, for me, it isn't about people anymore and what they say or do, but it's about what God motivates them to do in my life. Because if it wasn't for GOD I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing.

I noticed if the advice a mother gives to her daughter before something happens in her life isn't very clear, wise, or beneficial, once the negative event occurs, the mother will try to change the details of her advice to fit her daughter's situation so that it looks as if she had warned her all along. However, the truth is she never provided enough detail about a situation and often flip- flopped (just like her daughter) in what she was saying prior to the event occuring. Now the mother wants to take credit for something she has no business taking credit for! If her daughter remembers that someone else had helped her through a situation and gives that advisor credit, her mother will quickly say, "But I told you the same thing..." Not necessarily, dear ole' mom, maybe that advisor was more clear, direct or said something entirely different to your daughter. Either way, mother doesn't always know best.

When we begin to see that our mothers are trying to dominate our lives or take credit for things they didn't do, we can do a few things: stop telling so much about our lives to them, avoid seeking their advice, and don't allow them to get the upper hand on our lives by giving them more praise than God.

Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Make that Baby Shut Up!

Some people enjoy the sounds of a crying baby, others could care less when they hear one crying, and then there are those who are tempted to say, "Make that Baby Shut Up!" I fall in the shut up baby group. I didn't just become this way overnight. I have always been this way before four sons and after four sons. There is something in listening to a baby's cries that drives me up the wall! I can tolerate a crying baby for about 10 minutes maybe and then after that I am looking around and asking someone, "Why doesn't the parent just take that baby home?"

One Sunday morning, I was seated in church enjoying the minister's message and a baby starts crying. The mother is trying to get the baby to stop. The baby had been passed around by others and still no peace. She had given the baby everything she had to get him/her to stop crying and nothing seemed to work! After disturbing the entire congregation for almost 10 minutes on and off they finally removed the mother and baby from the group. All I could think was this is a tape recorded message and if someone buys the tape just when they are getting his or her breakthrough there will be the crying baby in the background distracting one from focusing on the message. It wasn't like the pastor hadn't dismissed babies and children only prior. It wasn't like he didn't have jumbo screens in another room for parents to watch the service or listen to the message in the bathroom while they dried their wet baby. All the accomodations were there, it's just the parents could careless.

Can someone tell me why is it that babies tend to cry when all is quiet? I can't seem to get away from the crying babies! I try to sit in a place where I don't have to be one of those people staring at the child while the frustrated mother is trying to quiet him or her. I try to avoid standing in a line where there is a baby crying and staring at me over the mother's shoulder as if he or she is saying, "Say something lady and I will keep crying!" I don't know if it's just me, but alot of these mothers just don't seem to care. They continue to shop knowing that it's their son or daughter's nap time. They continue to sit in the church pew with their crying child for a few more minutes after the church leader makes a silly comment referring to the baby's loud cries. One minister said to his congregation while a baby was crying in the audience, "It's only 10%!" Referring to the tithes and offerings he was about to ask for. Everyone who had been disturbed by the baby's cries gently laughed about his remark.

I personally feel like sometimes continuous baby's cries are symbolic of the frustrated mother's woes being spilled out into the public especially in the church setting. To think deeply on this topic, I reason that when the mother just doesn't know how to cry, ask for help (pray) or refuses to cry out her bottled up emotions, her irritable baby cries for her. It's as if the child is saying, "My mother needs help and she isn't helping me!"

I can only imagine babies and children are only going to get worse as the years go by because of so many nonchalant, "take it easy, no big deal, whatever" types of attitude parents! We are a generation of spoiled children who are never satisfied with enough! It has to always be more than enough!

The crying baby is a reflection of a crying mother who is hungry for something but she doesn't know what it is, she is in need of a nap but doesn't know how to take one, she feels sick inside but doesn't know what to take for it, she is a mother who doesn't know how to cry so her baby cries for her!

Written bu Nicholl McGuire
Author, Poet & Freelance Writer
http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Living and Looking Better than Mother? Look out!

How can a mother be jealous of her daughter? Well there are many out there who are! They prayed for their baby girl many years ago, "Please give her a better life than mine, Lord!" Then guess what? God answered the mother's prayers and now she is eye rolling behind her daughter's back. Bad mouthing her to family and friends. Finally, criticizing her daughter for being "too this" and "too that!"

When you reach a place when you live and look better than dear old mom, she has to make herself feel good about the jealous feelings inside that she has toward you and your lifestyle. You may have various certificates and letters behind your name, a great partner, nice home, beautiful car, and exceptional children. Your mother may remember the days when she had nothing like what you have and if you didn't have to work as hard as she did to get the kind of lifestyle you now have, well she maybe even more resentful! Mom may have made up in her mind to accept you for who you are, belittle you for who you have become, or simply ignore you while spending all her time being concerned about herself.

This is a cry that some daughters try to hide from family and friends concerning their mother, because she doesn't feel comfortable sharing hurt feelings. "How could my mother treat me this way? What have I ever done that was so wrong that my mother resents me so much? How could she talk about me so badly to others? THIS IS MY MOTHER!"

Although society will paint this picture of a mother being caring and loving to her children and tending to their every need, we all know that is not reality! Your partner, realtives, or friends may have a wonderful relationship with their mothers while you don't. So if you were to explain your problems to them, they wouldn't understand. In fact, they may say, "Well what did you do for your mother to treat the way that she does?" This is a question that just might ignite a firestorm of anger from you to your confidants. Don't look for comfort or advice on how to deal with your mother from people who haven't been where you are!

So when your mother behaves in a way that makes you feel like she is jealous of how well you are doing personally and professionally, you will have to learn how to set aside the "mother" title and just deal with mother as a jealous woman. Too often daughters will put themselves in the line of fire knowing that their mother has no plans on changing who she is. When a daughter sees that her mother is hell bent on making her feel miserable, she will have to stand up for herself and create a safe distance from her mother. When someone continually says or does something to you that hurts, it doesn't matter who the person is, their actions are abusive and you don't have to accept them!

When you hear a story of a woman going through something similar as described in this blog, share your experience and how you dealt with your own mother. However, if you have a wonderful relationship with your own mother than keep your opinion to yourself. Remember bragging about how great your relationship is with your mother doesn't help anyone but you!


Nicholl McGuire
Author, Poet & Freelance Writer
http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

When Mothers Cry: The Book

You have expressed how you felt about motherhood secretly to God, relatives, and friends and for some of you, you wish you hadn't! I know, people look at you differently don't they? They just don't understand, but I do. I know what it feels like to be so stressed out to the point that you are sick to your stomach! It seems the only free time you have for yourself is late at night. Can I tell you that I even lost a friend or two, because I simply had made no time for them. My excuse, busy! So busy with the man and children that it actually bothered me to have to answer my phone and take time out to talk, because my free time was so limited!

I also found that women who are head over heels in love with their children, think that I have a disease. They think that if they come around a woman like me they may catch some kind of, "I hate my children disease!" The truth of the matter is frustrated moms at least many of them don't hate their children, if anything they love them maybe too much. Everything has to be right, perfect, nothing out of order! Our children have to have the best doctors, schools, be a part of some group or participate in some extra activity, they have to pray and read the Bible, and do whatever else we tell them to do that will make the whole family look good! Am I right? So a frustrated, angry mom never wanted to one day resent her children. Hey the road to hell is paved with good intentions, you know?! All she wanted was the best, so much in fact that she can't see nothing less. Maybe that's why she is slow to get some help, because in her eyes, to express weakness is to admit defeat! She reasons that "there is nothing wrong with me." She says that "it is okay not to like being a mother," but when it becomes a daily feeling that engulfs one's spirit, there is a serious problem.

So with all that said, it is time for the book, When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire. This book was written for mothers who have journeyed through life for everyone but themselves. The book provides tips to help you get over the trials and tribulations that have caused you to neglect who you are as a woman! The cover is done, the editing process is almost complete and the book will be ready before the children go back to school in September 2009! Audio will soon follow and video has been discussed. The wait is almost over! However, it costs money to promote this project and what I will need from my supporters are donations, anything you can spare. So if you can give, please do. I will be making books available for free in the future for a limited time to those who can't afford to pay.

Well, thanks again for sticking through the ups and downs of this blog! If you would like to subscribe to it, just fill out the form at the end of the blog. For suggestions, feel free to send me an email at virtualassistant007@yahoo.com. We are temporarily accepting emails at this address.

Keep reading and thanks for your support!
Nicholl McGuire