Unloved

You may be a mother who had children for a man whom you thought loved you. You may have thought that your role as mother was worth so much more than an occassional hug, a holiday card, or a gift. Your children may not think much of your role, because they are either too young or old enough to know better, but refuse to acknowledge you as such. Whatever the case may be, it is the sickness you feel in the pit of your stomach and the ache you sometimes feel in your throat when you can't talk about the man or the children without choking up. Summed up in three words: you feel unloved!

I know because I have felt like this in the past similar to what Leah in the Bible must have felt like, even though I didn't purposely get pregnant (like she did) so that my men would love me, I know about that feeling of rejection. You see, I thought that I would be treated with some honor because I was a mother, but I learned that just because you feel a certain way about being a mother doesn't mean that the world will treat you like one! You may not carry yourself in a way that fits someone else's definition of what a mother is supposed to act like. I know at times I didn't fit anyone's definition, especially when I had bad stomach cramps and an unsupportive partner -- people just don't visualize mothers having bad days. When I say unsupportive, I mean, he was not interested in trying to make my role any easier. He wasn't interested in helping me ease my burdens as it related to the children. I needed daycare, he didn't want them in there. I needed more help from his side of the family, he didn't bother to go out of his way to get them to help me. I wanted him to treat me more like a woman such as making love, dating, etc. He rather treat me more like a babysitter and roommate.

One day I thought about women, myself included, who have relationships that started out good yet ended badly once the children arrived. A break up is challenging enough to deal with, but what's worse, is watching the father make your replacement (the other woman) feel more special than you! Here you are the woman who gave birth to the children, made sacrifices for them, loved and desired your man, yet he can manage to find the time to show another woman a good time while you sit at home not only spending time with your children, but babysit for him as well! I laughed to myself one day, as I was making food for the children, because I was thinking about the quickest way to administer justice on a father/partner who says, "He is bored, fallen out of love with you, needs some space..." is to give him custody of the children! Since he made you feel unloved during the relationship, didn't appreciate the efforts you had made with the children, and wouldn't do anything to make you feel comfortable being a mother, why not? Let him see how it feels to have to go everywhere with children in tote, to have to deal with the temper tantrums, to have to make time for their wants and needs, and to most of all feel unloved and unappreciated!

There are people in this world that often take advantage of mothers, because we have allowed them to do it. We don't make them suffer any consequences for the times they didn't help us when we needed them most, we don't allow them to experience parenting frustrations without playing Jesus, and we are often giving and never accepting the opportunities that are thrown our way to help us get back in touch with ourselves. If we are allowing these sorts of things to happen, then we can't expect much from our relationships.

Although we can't make a person love us, we can make them understand that our role isn't as easy as they think it is and when times get rough, we don't always have to be available. Sometimes we will have to turn off the phone, run some bath water, sit at a park, and do absolutely nothing!

Saying Goodbye to Our Children

THE LORD GIVES AND THE LORD TAKES AWAY...

She said goodbye to two sons -- one taken away by a bullet another taken away by a knife. She told other sons goodbye when they went off to war and went off to jail, she is my grandmother.

She said goodbye to a little baby girl who was born in this world stillborn, years later she would bury two more children out of twelve, she was my father's mother.

She said goodbye to her daughter who went off to college, relocated to two states with her grandchildren in tote, and almost said goodbye to her in sickness, she is my mother.

She said goodbye after a three hour conversation about her life such as obstacles she had to face as a mother of four and being a teenage mother at age 14, it was her last phone call to me before she died, she would have been my mother-in-law.

She said goodbye to her four children after two failed relationships. The first set of sons she had to let go of due to divorce. The court said it was in the best interest of the children to be with their father. The second set she had to say goodbye, because their father didn't have the strength to undergo difficult circumstances due to her health, all four sons three thousand miles away, she was me.

The examples you have just read are true stories of women who have had to undergo enormous stress, insourmountable odds, and much more to say, "Goodbye" to their children. From letting go of their children in death to finding the strength to walk away when you rather fight! What grief, pain, anger, envy, and bitterness a mother experiences! However, through it all a mother can still see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Although, she never gets over saying goodbye completely, she finds a way to keep on living despite her circumstances. She may turn to her faith, family, work more intensely at her job, create a foundation in rememberance of her child, or do something else to bless her with a sense of sanity and peace. Yet, there are mothers who have lost their faith, distance themselves from family and friends, and all but disappeared from society. They are not ready to move on, get over or anything else, because for them they feel they are leaving their babies behind. Even though this isn't correct thinking, and comes from a dark place of despair, this is how she feels and she doesn't want to hear you or I talking about trusting in God. As far as she is concerned, she isn't interested in God anymore! How could a God who loves her take the very thing away from her that made her so happy? This mother is miffed with God.

How do we reach out to our sisters who feel this way? We can start by listening. As women we always have so much to say, we are quick to share our experiences, but we don't consider what she must be going through. We fail to put ourselves in her shoes. If you recall, you weren't ready to embrace every positive thing or statement that came your way. You just wanted to be left alone to gather your thoughts to make some sense of something that at times has no comprehensible explanation. If you are worried about her, go into your closet and pray for her. If she opens up to you, sit back and listen. If you are aware of the things that might make her smile, get them for her. Remove your feelings out of the picture and concentrate on hers. She will at times love you, other times hate you and may offend you. But you are no friend, if you can't stick by her side when she needs you most!

To those mothers who are in similar situations as the ones described above, remember the good times and surround yourself with people and places that will keep you up! As I write I am in grief myself, but I appreciate the good, the bad and the ugly memories of my children, and at times I can't help but laugh! I laugh because I know that if they were in my presence I wouldn't do a d*mn thing different! They would say or do something to send me crazy and I would most likely yell, threaten, or put someone down on their bottom! They would do something sweet and I would most likely put my arms around them and kiss their faces! Find the good in every situation and remember those like yourself when you feel strong again...they need you too!

Burn Out...

Every single day since I found out I was pregnant back in 2006, I have spent it with my children! Now it is 2009, and I am burnt out! Along the way, I did the movie thing, window shopping, asked the father to take them out for a few hours (which he did few and far in between,) requested my own family 3000 miles away from the grandchildren come out and visit, talked to his family (less than 30 minutes away) and they acted disinterested and often used "being busy" as an excuse to avoid contact with me -- I just couldn't shake my building resentment.

I remember wanting to do something different, something for myself, and my partner at the time met my eyes with a look like, "Your kidding me right?" I didn't specifically know at the time what I wanted to do for me, but one thing I did know for sure was that I wanted the children in daycare. He wasn't even a little bit happy with that even though I told him how it would benefit him and the relationship as well. I was even willing to have him cut the money he was giving me and give it to the daycare, but he wasn't having it!

One day I had an "aha" moment like when you suddenly realize a powerful truth about yourself or someone else. For once, I understood why some mothers resort to killing themselves, children and/or mates, the reason starts with feeling burnt out! At some point those around her suspected that she was falling apart, but they either were unwilling to help her, mentioned a few ideas and went on their way, or looked the other way. I learned that mothers do reach out for help prior to feelings of being burnt out, it's just people don't listen or don't take her seriously. I remember one day speaking to a relative about my issues and all I heard was her issues. She wasn't really concerned about what was happening to me nor could she read between the lines when I would tell her, "I am having dark thoughts." I went to my doctor and explained my situation she only recommended I go on vacation, but when I couldn't do that and came back again for the second time many months later, I talked more specifically about my increasing dark thoughts, by then she was all too willing to put me on an antidepressant!

At first the antidepressant worked miracles and I was practically skipping around the house, but then gradually I noticed that I was having an unusual amount of heart palpitations. I continued to take the medicine ignoring the signs until one day I ended up on the floor, having convulsions, and barely able to breathe while having absolutely no control over my body! Imagine being conscience of everything around you, but unable to communicate anything!

I told my doctor what had happened to me while taking the medication and to that she referred me to another doctor who had another medicine for me (yes, another antidepressant!) I was feeling good again on this medicine too, but then I gradually started having more heart palpitations and more convulsions at least once a month despite all my tests showing up normal! I performed Internet research on the drugs to find out how to ween myself off of them since my doctor was too busy to contact me about my getting off of them! By this time I had visited three doctors! I was angry and took matters in my own hands! I discovered quickly that other mothers online had a similar story! I was devastated that my doctor didn't bother to call me back knowing the difficulty I was having with the medicine and withdrawing from it!

As I thought about the events that led up to my cutting antidepressants out of my life, I learned that my issues weren't psychological but physiological. (Only one doctor was able to confirm my notion and recommended I stop seeing doctors about my issues and make some personal changes in my life!) I learned that my mind was running away from an environment I no longer wanted to be in and my unsympathetic, misunderstood (did I mention andropausal) partner couldn't grasp this concept! He thought that I should be happy being around the children all day everyday! Well children never completed me and where he got this idea of mothers being happy around their children all the time, I don't know. Yes, I had been a happy mom early on, but when I wanted something different to happen in my life, besides having a child, I began to burn out...my mind and body was literally ready to shut down for good!

So I write this blog entry specifically for those mothers who were prescribed antidepressants for physiological problems. You aren't going crazy, those around you who choose not to reach out and help you, are the crazy ones! Change your environment or get a new one!

I honestly believe that the judicial system should not only convict mothers who commit crimes on their children in a haze of insanity, but they should also convict these unsupportive spouses who claim, "I didn't know...I wasn't sure...I never knew..." They know they just put their own needs over the needs of the family while expecting the mother to stay in her place! She is reaching out when she says, "I need you...I would like for you...Could you..." It's up to these spouses to hear a mother's cry!

He Doesn't Respect You as a Mother

Here you are in a relationship with a man who says that he loves you and he will do what he can to take care of you and the children. However, when you are faced with challenges in raising them, he sits by and critiques you as if you are his employee and he is managing you.

Your partner says things about your parenting that makes your flesh crawl! He wants to know what you are doing, saying, making, and anything else related to the children and you are to report to him with all the details! Now this isn't a typical situation for most mothers, but there are some in relationships like this as I type. They can't seem to do anything right! What's worse is these men actually aren't doing most things right when it come to parenting the children, so to take the attention off of their faults, they zero in on the mother and what she is or is not doing with the children! Now she is observing him and telling him what he needs to do. Maybe he is giving the children candy before bed, allowing them to stay up late at night with no set time to go to sleep, sitting back and doing nothing when the children are fighting, or forgetting to feed or bathe the children and the mother would like to see some differences made. This is when the relationship gets interesting!

Some men don't take too kindly to women telling them what to do whether they are nice about it or stern. For example, she may say, "That's not the correct way to hold the baby." He retorts with, "Well what do you want me to do?" He may sigh or roll his eyes. Another example, she may see that he isn't disciplining the child for disrespecting her and so she chooses to discipline the child herself. Meanwhile, her partner interferes with negative statements about what she has done or coddles the child when he or she should be in time out or spanked.

How can a woman be confident in her role as a mother, when she doesn't have the support from her spouse? Nothing she does is good enough. He complains to his mother, sister, or friends about how "she is always telling me what to do!" He doesn't want her telling him what to do even when she is nice about it, because it bruises his ego, pride, self-worth, etc. Even when he knows he doesn't know what he is doing as a parent, he doesn't want anyone telling him what to do. This type of attitude wrecks havoc on a relationship. Even if she chooses not to tell him anything and advises that he read about certain parenting styles or techniques, he won't. She may only want to help him, help herself, and help the children by seeing a potential problem and coming up with a better way to resolve the issue, but he doesn't want to hear of it.

Mothers cry about issues like these when they sincerely only want to run the house more efficently, build a solid foundation for the children, enhance their relationship, and do other things to make life better for all! But when she has to contend with a stubborn partner who is more concerned about his ego; rather than, the things that matter in the household, she becomes increasingly frustrated. "Why can't he just see the bigger picture?" It doesn't make sense to allow a child to say or do what they want and only one parent is permitted to discipline them. It doesn't feel good to walk around on egg shells wondering if the other parent is going to snap out on you if you say so much as a word to your son or daughter! When a mother not only cooks, cleans, organizes, creates, instructs, reads, and so much more for her children and a man comes along and tries to rearrange everything that she has worked so hard to get established or ignores her experience with children, just because he doesn't want to change his ways, then expect a ticking time bomb waiting to explode!

Mothers, like fathers, want to be appreciated! They want their voices heard in the home as well. Although we live in the 21st century and women have made great strides for equal rights, in some homes women's rights are still not equal to men's! There is still a man coming home and expecting a woman "to be kept". She is to prepare the food, take care of the babies, and if he has any objections to what she is or isn't doing she is expected to cooperate or be left. An example, "I prefer you stay at home with the children rather than work," her partner says. "But I need to get out in the workplace I don't want to be home all day with the children!" the mother cries. It is then that he begins to create a strategy to get what he wants, while the mother gradually breaks down mentally and physically because she isn't getting what she wants!

There are men that have a vision going into a relationship with a woman of what she is expected to look and act like. If his mother treated him a certain way then he is looking for her to act in similar ways with the children. Sometimes a negative relationship from the past, carries over into a man's present and future and the unsuspecting victim doesn't know that she is being treated like the mother he had been raised by. If his dad was disrespectful to his wife and ran the household when it came to the children, then he may do the same.

There is a fine line between being a mother and a wife and some men can't see the difference! Not only that, some women don't help them see the difference, because they are often being one or the other-- a mother or a wife. A mother can wipe the tears from her eyes when it comes to her role being disrespected by reminding him who she is as a wife first and a mother second! She must remember to take the time to communicate her feelings to him when she is feeling like he is disrespecting her role as a mother. Yet, even after telling him repeatedly how she feels and he still insists on doing many things that make her feel like he doesn't need her input or her in his life, then it is time to call it quits! If she sticks around too long in a relationship like this, she may end up feeing very bitter and will resent her roles as mother and wife. And unfortunately, the children will pay the ultimate price because their mother is unhappy.

The Other Woman

Mothers not only cry about their children but they cry about the issues that affect their role as a mother. For example, the other woman whether she is the woman who sleeps with her husband or the woman who is acting in her role as mother, is a threat. She cries out to God, "Why!" in the midnight hour.

The other woman may be temporal in her husband's life or permanent. Either way, this woman will have some input on how the father deals with the children and she may also impact the children in some way. If she sincerely loves children, then she may encourage that the father get along with the mother. But if she doesn't care, then she may only be in the relationship for selfish reasons and the children may never have any interaction with her that may lessen a mother's insecurity. However, there are those women who come into a man's life expected to have something to do with everything that he touches including another woman's children -- Look out! If she puts herself in the mother's shoes, she will have to think long and hard what she is willing to undergo for this man, what part will she play, and at least respect the mother enough to sit down and talk with her and learn more about the children.

How did the mother go from being the stay-at-home mother, the working mother, the step mother or any other mother, for that matter, to children she loves and then in a blink of an eye someone or something comes along as says, "Your services are no longer needed?" Here she is faced with not only a cheating partner, but one who may be "in love" with another woman that may be an integral part of her children's lives!

Everyday there is a mother who is crying because someone made a decision for her. They told her that she was "unfit", that she was "no longer loved", and other similar statements to make her feel why was she ever destined to become a mother anyway only for it to be taken away! Now there are mothers who willingly give up their role for personal or legal reasons, but there are others who really didn't have a choice in the matter, because someone had more power, influence, fame, or money to take their role from them!

The other woman comes into a mother's role very often having no idea what she is in for, because to her, she may think it will be easy since she raised her own children, or she niavely thinks that love conquers all. There is a big difference in the way one feels about a child they have brought into this world through their body and one they have adopted. There is just something innately different and love has nothing to do with it! As I write, I hear some saying, "I love all the children just the same." But as I said, love has nothing to do with it. You are stepping into a role that universally and humanly is not yours, you made a choice to fulfill someone else's shoes and there is nothing wrong with that until...

The other woman crosses the line and tries to manipulate the child's thinking. She tells them negative stories about his or her mother, believes everything she hears from her partner without giving thought to the fact that there is two sides to every story, and she thinks that somehow she can quiet or erase the memory of the child's mother. This is when things get downright ugly! The mother senses this is what may be happening when she sits down and talks with her child. She may hear things in her child's conversation that makes the hair on the back of her neck stand up, "How dare this woman try to come in between my children and I!" she thinks. But it happens, and then when the woman has made an impact on another woman's child after years of influence, she and the ex decide to call it quits. Now the child is left bewildered. No mother and now no step-mother!

This is a sad reality for many people involved in a situation like this and as much as we would like to blindly go through life thinking, "I am okay. It isn't so bad." The truth of the matter is that everytime you see or hear the other woman's name come up it makes you angry. So how do we get over it? One day at a time. Baby steps. You can't accept the other woman and the impact she is or is not making on your child all at once. But it takes time. You can't accept her just because someone tells you it's the right thing to do. You have to do it in your time. But always remember that no one can ever replace you no matter how many gifts they buy your child. I have learned that children always have a way of coming back home again. They will hug and love you in a way that they will never hug or love another woman. After all, you brought your children into the world, and it is up to you to do what you can to make a positive impression on their hearts and minds. Value your time with them. Shift your focus off of the other woman and onto what matters...your children!