When Mothers Cry: The Book

You have expressed how you felt about motherhood secretly to God, relatives, and friends and for some of you, you wish you hadn't! I know, people look at you differently don't they? They just don't understand, but I do. I know what it feels like to be so stressed out to the point that you are sick to your stomach! It seems the only free time you have for yourself is late at night. Can I tell you that I even lost a friend or two, because I simply had made no time for them. My excuse, busy! So busy with the man and children that it actually bothered me to have to answer my phone and take time out to talk, because my free time was so limited!

I also found that women who are head over heels in love with their children, think that I have a disease. They think that if they come around a woman like me they may catch some kind of, "I hate my children disease!" The truth of the matter is frustrated moms at least many of them don't hate their children, if anything they love them maybe too much. Everything has to be right, perfect, nothing out of order! Our children have to have the best doctors, schools, be a part of some group or participate in some extra activity, they have to pray and read the Bible, and do whatever else we tell them to do that will make the whole family look good! Am I right? So a frustrated, angry mom never wanted to one day resent her children. Hey the road to hell is paved with good intentions, you know?! All she wanted was the best, so much in fact that she can't see nothing less. Maybe that's why she is slow to get some help, because in her eyes, to express weakness is to admit defeat! She reasons that "there is nothing wrong with me." She says that "it is okay not to like being a mother," but when it becomes a daily feeling that engulfs one's spirit, there is a serious problem.

So with all that said, it is time for the book, When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire. This book was written for mothers who have journeyed through life for everyone but themselves. The book provides tips to help you get over the trials and tribulations that have caused you to neglect who you are as a woman! The cover is done, the editing process is almost complete and the book will be ready before the children go back to school in September 2009! Audio will soon follow and video has been discussed. The wait is almost over! However, it costs money to promote this project and what I will need from my supporters are donations, anything you can spare. So if you can give, please do. I will be making books available for free in the future for a limited time to those who can't afford to pay.

Well, thanks again for sticking through the ups and downs of this blog! If you would like to subscribe to it, just fill out the form at the end of the blog. For suggestions, feel free to send me an email at virtualassistant007@yahoo.com. We are temporarily accepting emails at this address.

Keep reading and thanks for your support!
Nicholl McGuire

14 Sneaky Tactics Controlling Mothers and Mother-in-Laws Will Use & What You Can Do About It

Mothers have a lot of power over their children. The adult children who are quick to argue, “My mother has no control or influence over me” are usually the ones who are being controlled without knowing it. You see, the sneakiest way to control someone, is to do it without them suspecting that you are doing it. Take for instance, your mother wants you to come over to her home for a family event and you tell her that you won’t be able to attend. If she has asked you early enough in advance of the event date, she will use the time leading up to the family gathering wisely. During that time she will come up with all sorts of reasons why you should attend and may even use other family members to try to convince you why it’s a good idea. She may try any or all of the following strategies to ultimately get what she wants! She will also use the following tactics in time of need, personal crisis, when she isn’t getting along with others, attention, feeling jealous and more.

One. She will be very critical of your decision making even when you are doing well for yourself.

This strategy is a popular one used by controlling mothers when they see their child is no longer their little baby and has become a man or woman looking to distance themselves from mom. She may also use this strategy to control her son or daughter’s friends too! Here’s what she may do. First, she thinks that you don’t know how to solve your own dilemmas because her mind takes her back to those days of childhood when you made mistakes. Rather than allow you to make your own decisions, she makes them for you or finds so much fault with what you’re saying that you walk away from her not trusting yourself. Second, she knows that if you don’t trust yourself, you will think about what she has said and most likely you will run it by your friends who she is hoping will say, “Listen to your mother.”

The only way out of this strategy is to stand up for yourself at the moment that you suspect she is trying to influence your decision or alter your plans. Depending on the kind of mother you have, you will either have to present yourself confident, like a tough cookie hard to crack or like a very polite manager in a store resolving a customer’s concern. Whatever face you put forward, just be sure it’s one that clearly states that you will be making XYZ decision. Remind yourself not to ask her for her input or bring up a topic in the future that you know you will feel compelled to defend.

Two. She will try to make you feel guilty about not visiting her enough.

A mother has moments in her day when she thinks about what her children are doing. She may reach out to her children or she may wait for you to reach out to her. If you don’t act in a timely fashion according to her watch, she may tell you how good or bad of a son or daughter you are for not visiting your mother. She may compare you to other siblings and people who she knows or has seen on TV.

Three. She will act forgetful.

Some mothers aren’t satisfied with a simple visit from her children. Sometimes they feel like the visit isn’t complete without giving them something to do. Maybe there is nothing that needs to be done in her home and she just wants you to stay awhile longer. Some mothers will resort to the old tactic of forgetting where they placed something. Now there are those mothers that with age do become increasingly more absentminded, but if you see your mother often forgetting things just when you are ready to pack up the grandchildren and get ready to leave, then you know your mother is looking for a reason to control your time with her. She wasn’t ready to see you go and now she has to figure out a way to keep you a little while longer.

Other things she may do is drag out a story, create a sudden emergency (like fake an illness), convince the grandchildren to stay even when they don’t want to, and offer plenty of food and desserts while stressing you should stay a little while longer.
A good way to shorten the visit is to sit back and let the children get a little out of control. A mother who is especially particular about her environment will be more than happy to see you go she may even open the door for you. Another way to shorten the visit is to have someone waiting for you in the car or have another engagement to go to after visiting her. If she is the kind of mother that likes to gossip or be critical of others, you can easily shorten your visit with her by mentioning that you don’t agree with her comments or would like to change the subject. A controlling mother doesn’t like the idea that her child is correcting her and rather than deal with the quiet tension that is left after you have told her how you feel, she will be at peace when you get ready to leave.

Four. She will exaggerate the details of small issues to play on one’s sympathies and to get them to act on her needs.

If your mother has been ill one too many times in a week let alone a day, and you haven’t bothered to visit her in the past, then prepare yourself for her stories of having to crawl around the house and struggle to bathe herself. You may learn later that she just had a simple cold and was seen out and about the same day walking around. Of course there are some mothers, who don’t cry “wolf,” but there are some who never saw a wolf but they will make up a story so that you can come over to visit or do something for them. What better way to get you to do as she says, by playing on your emotions? The best way to determine if there really is a “wolf” of a problem is to talk to her on the phone as if you never heard her say that she wasn’t feeling well. Start a discussion about something funny the children said, mention something you saw on television, and other similar things. Before long, she won’t be keeping her act up, she will be laughing and then you will notice that her situation wasn’t important enough for you to drop everything. Another way you can avoid “the drop and run act” is to tell her that you won’t be over and that she should call 911. It may sound cold, but if she has to get someone else involved and doesn’t want to, how serious was her issue in the first place?

Five. She will create division between siblings by showing favoritism.

What better way to get you to do something is to make you jealous? So she will throw a party for your brother, buy your sister’s children the best toys, and accept an invite to an event with another relative that you originally invited her to, don’t fear there are plenty of holidays and events that you can always schedule to be busy, out of town, or simply at home relaxing in front of your TV. It will only be a matter of time that she will notice you aren’t affected by her schemes, even if you are you won’t show it. You may even want to spend more time with these people than she does and you might learn a thing or two from them.

Six. She will treat friends and strangers better than certain family members while talking badly about her family to these same people.

When you don’t do what your mother says, she knows that she can’t punish you the way she did when you were a child, so one of the most hurtful things she will do is treat the people you know better than you. She will invite them up to her home, make dinner for them, ride in their car, attend events together, and may say things like, “This is my adopted son. She was always like a daughter to me.” All of these tactics are used to get you to feel jealous and do more for your mother.
You can avoid feeling hurt by these tactics by accepting the fact that she isn’t a very nice person despite the fact that she is your mother. You can distance yourself from her by establishing healthy associations that she knows nothing about. You can crowd her out by keeping busy with your personal and professional goals. She may notice your behavior has changed toward her and come back around, but if she doesn’t, keep your distance and lose the friend who is naively falling for her act even after you have warned him or her.

Seven. She will lie, belittle or abuse you.

Some people forget that just because someone is a mother it doesn’t mean that she will lie, belittle or abuse you. This type of negative behavior coming from a mother is deadly! She may blatantly lie about forgetting where she has placed something to get you to come see about her. She may call you names or become easily irritated with you when you remind her that you have a partner and children. She may purposely cut you off of any material wealth so that you will dance by her drum. If you don’t want to be subjected to these tactics, expose her when she does them. Don’t sit quietly and ignore her when you know she is in the wrong. Try to avoid the temptation to pay her back that will only make you look like the bad guy or gal and give her something to talk about to the rest of the family.

She may say things that you or someone else didn’t say to get attention. Like a child, it doesn’t matter what kind of attention they want from their parents just so long as they can get you to look, your mother may be doing the same thing. Stories of robbery, conflicts with relatives and neighbors, and other similar “front page” news dramas fall quickly from her lips when she doesn’t want you to find out a truth about her. You see, if you know the truth, she fears you might not want to come around anymore, so sometimes to get negative attention off of her while gaining a positive image, she will try to get you to focus on someone else while she comes up with yet another scheme to control you.

The best way to counter against this tactic is to provide proof when she lies and remind her that you will not talk or come around her if she feels she has to disrespect you to get you to do what she wants.

Eight. She will argue or threaten.

Sometimes she may not have the energy to orchestrate a plan to get you to do what she wants so she will just yell at you. She may even call you a few names or threaten to do something to you if you don’t listen. You can avoid her future outburst by giving her a long time out and if she said or did some really bad things to you and your family, put your foot down and cut her off. Mothers like to talk about the biblical scriptures that say “Honor thy mother…” Exodus 20:12 but what they fail to do is find the scripture that talks about “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord," Ephesians 6:1-4.” There are some mothers who act in the role of fathers and do just that!

Nine. She will use others to influence you when she can’t get you to do what she wants (ie. partner, siblings, childhood friends, etc.)

She has enough time on her hands to converse with those that know you and she will tell them things like, “He never wants to be a part of the family. We use to be so close! His wife is causing him not to come around us anymore. Why don’t you call your brother and check up on him? Tell her I’m sick and need for her to come over and help me.” What you can do is tell these people she has used to get you to act on her command to stop sending you her messages. Don’t open the doors to any debate with them about your actions, what your mother has been known to do, or anything else that could potentially cause a rift in your relationship. Rather, allow them to see your mother’s manipulative strategies on their own. However, with your partner you may want to be more specific about some of the things she does so that he or she isn’t blindsided.

Ten. She will cry.

Tears will bring a giant to his knees depending on how well they are used. She may get on her soapbox and put on her best act to get you to come over and cry with her until she breaks you down enough to get you to do what she wants. If you fall for it, then she wins and you lose. You can get her to dry those tears up even faster than saying yes, try saying no while walking away. Watch how her sad face becomes angry almost monster like.

Eleven. She will talk negatively behind your back to the biggest mouth in the family hoping he or she will spread your personal issues to everyone.

This tactic was mentioned earlier when it comes to siblings and strangers, but some mothers will use this when they know you are a private person. She thinks she can really get you to do as you’re told if she starts sharing your life with others. If she chooses to do this, you can tell her that you are aware of what she is doing and you would like for her to stop. She may continue to run her mouth, you have a choice either you keep giving her something to talk about or you cut the lines of communication off not only with her but those you know will go back and talk with her about you.

Twelve. She will offer small tokens of appreciation or give you money.

Sometimes being kind and expressing words of flattery is the best way for a mother to get what she wants from her son or daughter. So she suddenly becomes real nice and she wants to do a lot of wonderful things for you of course you have every right to question it. You may want to find out if she is doing anything to help her become a better person. If not, find out what she is hoping you will do for her in the coming days, weeks or months. What are her needs? Chances are she is getting you to commit to something by using sweet tactics without you knowing what that “something” is.

Thirteen. She will provide a little information to get you to open up and talk then later use the information you gave her to work to her advantage.

How can anyone turn down an opportunity to sit down and talk with his or her mother? It sounds innocent enough and you may go along with it. You are feeling comfortable and then gradually you start opening up to her about personal and professional issues. You walk away from that pleasant moment feeling great until the following week you hear that she was talking badly about you to others. She even mentioned how much food you ate and how you didn’t even bother to leave any money for her. Not only that, you find out that she has retold your conversation to a few choice family member \s you simply don’t like. Could it be that this was her sneaky way to pay you back for putting your foot down a couple weeks back about something she said or did that offended you? It just might be. If so, you will definitely need to think twice about taking her up on offers to sit and dine with her.

Fourteen. She will turn your father against you.

Fathers are just as important as mothers, if not more, especially in father and son relationships. A son wants to know that his father is proud of him. But a mother who is looking to get some things done around the house on her time schedule or has some other needs that she isn’t receiving from her husband, will purposely say things to the father about the son or daughter that he or she knows will make him angry. Just when the father is becoming close to his daughter or son, here she comes reminding him of the time their child did “this” or did “that.” In the mother’s mind, she feels that if she can keep the child close to her, she will be able to get the things done that she wants he or she to do; therefore, having her own personal servant.

In closing, there are good and bad mothers in this world and either one or the other is talked about in many books, talk shows and other places. But there is also the sneaky mother also known as controlling, manipulative, wicked, and other words that describe negative practices she uses to get what she wants. These are the mothers that can kill, steal, and destroy what makes you happy. Oftentimes these mothers aren’t happy themselves just claim to be. They usually don’t have much going in their lives other than talking on the phone about other people, they have very few true friends, and it seems just about every week they are in conflict with someone. What brings them joy in life is seeking the attention from their children in whatever way they can get it by any means necessary. When you know you have a mother such as this, try your best to always stand up for what you believe in, not what she believes. Also, try very hard not to rely on her for anything and if you can, move far away from her, and visit her when you want to, not because she says that you should. If you follow these tips you can lessen the burden on your heart and mind concerning your mother and give your partner’s and friend’s ears a break from your “my mother” stories!

Written by Nicholl McGuire, check out book, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

Mother's Day Shopping: 7 Things You Must Know About Your Mother
Tired of your mother's half-hearted reaction to your gifts? Clueless as to what she needs or wants? Before you go out to a store looking for a trinket on sale, do your research first!
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1652492/mothers_day_shopping_7_things_you_must.html

Happy Mother's Day

With Mother's Day fast approaching, I can't help but think of those people who have no mother. Whether she passed away or is simply not around, they will have to listen or be around people who do talk about their mother.

What does that feel like anyway? Listening to someone who wants to make you feel better about your grief while they complain about their mother and children in front of you. I guess some people feel like it will somehow make you think of all the negative times you had with your own mother.

For almost three years I hadn't seen my mother in person due to a relocation, I know some people's situations were much worse, but I am not looking to make a competition of pain. For me, it hurt at times thinking that some of the best moments of my life my mother would miss. I mean if she had been deceased or disabled, I could understand, but she wasn't neither of these things, and I just wanted her to be around some times to see the grandchildren and talk about anything. However, she didn't want to ride the plane and she left me hoping that one day she might. Many Mother's Days over the years came and went being 3000 miles away from home, and two hours away from two of my children, sometimes I got a card in the mail from someone, sometimes I didn't. One year I made the effort to see my children on Mother's Day and was so glad I did, another year I made the effort to see my mother and grandmother for Mother's Day so glad that I did that too! But if I thought that the favor would be returned, that was wishful thinking on my part. I learned that a good Mother's Day is the one that you create, not necessarily the one that is created for you. I guess this concept would make sense for some. Think of a pregnancy and how what is going on inside of the womb is a creation - a small being- that is growing inside of us! Sometimes we need to ask the powers that be, God, Jesus or whoever you may call your deity, "What idea, action, or dream will you impregnate within me for the next day, month, or years? How can I take this day that man has appointed to me and make it into something special?"

I had wished that I could be with my children sometimes for Mother's Day and other times I wish that literally it was "a mother's day" a day to get away from the diapers, whines, and cries. I guess the point of this blog entry is to remind you to have a Happy Mother's Day whether you are a mother, have no mother, or wish to be a mother and most of all make it your own creation even when others don't acknowledge it!

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother Told Her Children, "You are not mine!"

I was stunned at first when I heard the story of a mother denying her adult children after she had abandoned them years ago. When confronted by her children on separate occassions, she was asked, "Why did you leave us?" I don't know if the children were disrespectful to her when they asked. I don't know if she became rude with them. The woman, who I will name Eunice, had been in a very abusive relationship with their father is what I do know. Fearing that he would kill Eunice if she took the children, she left. She was heavy into drugs and alcohol years ago so I have been told as well. For years, no one knew where she went after she left the children! Until one day someone told her ex-husband she had joined a cult and produced a new family with someone else. Meanwhile the father, who had his share of issues with drugs, alcohol, etc. didn't know what to do with the four children (two boys and two girls) so he left them with his mother (their grandmother.) The grandmother wasn't much on raising children herself since she had been a very young parent when she had her own and really didn't want the burden of raising her grandchildren. Needless to say their stay with her was short-lived and eventually they were all placed in foster care homes.

After years of foster care and living on and off with relatives, the children just wanted the opportunity to talk with their mother and find answers to their questions that had been buried within their hearts and minds for years. At first, the meeting with their mother seemed to bring some peace, but in time as they got to learn more about her, they grew not to like her even more! For reasons the extended family is not clear about.

When I think of this story, I can't help but think of the many mothers out there who can't help what they have become, it is obvious that years of drug abuse warped the woman's mind. Although people don't like to use drugs or alcohol as excuses, they do contribute to the breakdown of one's mental capabilities. Why would these adult children assume that they could reason with a woman who would one day tell them quite boldly, "You are not mine!" For a woman to deny her children, she is either upset through the roof at them, herself, life (only God knows her rage,) or she is mentally incapable of handling herself, let alone what has come from her body. Either way, I can't help but think why would the children, now adults, continue to subject themselves to her abuse? Even after they were told this, they still tried to reach out to her often fighting with her rather than making peace with the situation.

I guess what disturbs me the most about this story is that no one really pays close attention to mental illness. Sure you are told that a person is crazy, but when it's one's own mother, that is a hard pill to swallow! She is not forgiven for those times when she was out of her mind, couldn't grab a rail and lift herself up let alone her children...even when her mind is in a state of confusion she is still expected to mother! I think there is a double standard when it comes to mothers and fathers. It's okay to excuse his abusive behavior because he was an alcoholic or on drugs.

When I heard more of this woman's story, it seemed she had some kind of nervous breakdown, because the day she decided to leave she took nothing with her and up to that point she had exhibited signs of suicide. In addition, she wasn't always on drugs or alcohol during motherhood, because she had a thriving career as a model. There was definitely more to her story! In recent years she has still exhibited signs that she isn't mentally well and yet her children do nothing more than curse her. I guess since abuse is familar territory for them, they will take whatever they can get from her whether crippled, blind or crazy, she is still mom.

Seven Points People Fail To Understand When it Comes to Motherhood Trials & Tribulations

Some times the reason why conflict arises between mothers and everyone else, is due to some people not being careful what they say to mothers. They fail to understand a mother's pain, grief, circumstance, and so forth. They assume that they know what they are talking about when in fact they aren't knowledgeable enough to understand a mother's plight. So I thought of seven tips that I hope will help those who don't know any better. All I can say, is may God have mercy on them when their trials come, because THEY WILL COME!


1. The way you may handle parenting issues may not make sense or be feasible to other mothers, so avoid the temptation to think your way is the only or best way, because most likely it isn't.

2. When a mother misses her children, what favors she asks of you, if reasonable, should be granted. Why does she have to explain why she wants to talk or see her children to anyone?

3. Just because a woman is a mother doesn't mean that she will treat her children like you would.

4. Don't falsely assume that because one mother can juggle the following without falling apart: spouse, job, child, activities, and people, other mothers will and can do the same!

5. Don't ever volunteer your explanation for why someone's child was murdered, died, or some other horrible thing! You can't bring the mother's child back, so be careful with your reasoning. Most likely, she has her own thoughts to answer her question of "why" which may bring her peace no matter how absurb, crazy, or irrational her reasoning might be -- don't try to that away from her! Unless you can bring her child back from the grave or can heal him or her physically, listen more!

6. Being a mother isn't a game or competition and shouldn't be treated as such! Don't wish for a relative, friend, neighbor or co-worker's life! Keep away from negative thinking such as telling yourself, "...if you have more children than him or her that you will feel better." Instead, consider that their lives have more trials and tribulations than yours, so don't give any attention to braggarts!

7. Everyone doesn't have a faith; but it doesn't make a woman less than a mother because she chooses not to worship a deity. So avoid the temptation to judge or be critical; rather embrace your sister and pray for her secretly.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For other articles related to parenting issues, money, relationships, and more, visit www.associated.content.com/nichollmcguire

Unloved

You may be a mother who had children for a man whom you thought loved you. You may have thought that your role as mother was worth so much more than an occassional hug, a holiday card, or a gift. Your children may not think much of your role, because they are either too young or old enough to know better, but refuse to acknowledge you as such. Whatever the case may be, it is the sickness you feel in the pit of your stomach and the ache you sometimes feel in your throat when you can't talk about the man or the children without choking up. Summed up in three words: you feel unloved!

I know because I have felt like this in the past similar to what Leah in the Bible must have felt like, even though I didn't purposely get pregnant (like she did) so that my men would love me, I know about that feeling of rejection. You see, I thought that I would be treated with some honor because I was a mother, but I learned that just because you feel a certain way about being a mother doesn't mean that the world will treat you like one! You may not carry yourself in a way that fits someone else's definition of what a mother is supposed to act like. I know at times I didn't fit anyone's definition, especially when I had bad stomach cramps and an unsupportive partner -- people just don't visualize mothers having bad days. When I say unsupportive, I mean, he was not interested in trying to make my role any easier. He wasn't interested in helping me ease my burdens as it related to the children. I needed daycare, he didn't want them in there. I needed more help from his side of the family, he didn't bother to go out of his way to get them to help me. I wanted him to treat me more like a woman such as making love, dating, etc. He rather treat me more like a babysitter and roommate.

One day I thought about women, myself included, who have relationships that started out good yet ended badly once the children arrived. A break up is challenging enough to deal with, but what's worse, is watching the father make your replacement (the other woman) feel more special than you! Here you are the woman who gave birth to the children, made sacrifices for them, loved and desired your man, yet he can manage to find the time to show another woman a good time while you sit at home not only spending time with your children, but babysit for him as well! I laughed to myself one day, as I was making food for the children, because I was thinking about the quickest way to administer justice on a father/partner who says, "He is bored, fallen out of love with you, needs some space..." is to give him custody of the children! Since he made you feel unloved during the relationship, didn't appreciate the efforts you had made with the children, and wouldn't do anything to make you feel comfortable being a mother, why not? Let him see how it feels to have to go everywhere with children in tote, to have to deal with the temper tantrums, to have to make time for their wants and needs, and to most of all feel unloved and unappreciated!

There are people in this world that often take advantage of mothers, because we have allowed them to do it. We don't make them suffer any consequences for the times they didn't help us when we needed them most, we don't allow them to experience parenting frustrations without playing Jesus, and we are often giving and never accepting the opportunities that are thrown our way to help us get back in touch with ourselves. If we are allowing these sorts of things to happen, then we can't expect much from our relationships.

Although we can't make a person love us, we can make them understand that our role isn't as easy as they think it is and when times get rough, we don't always have to be available. Sometimes we will have to turn off the phone, run some bath water, sit at a park, and do absolutely nothing!

Saying Goodbye to Our Children

THE LORD GIVES AND THE LORD TAKES AWAY...

She said goodbye to two sons -- one taken away by a bullet another taken away by a knife. She told other sons goodbye when they went off to war and went off to jail, she is my grandmother.

She said goodbye to a little baby girl who was born in this world stillborn, years later she would bury two more children out of twelve, she was my father's mother.

She said goodbye to her daughter who went off to college, relocated to two states with her grandchildren in tote, and almost said goodbye to her in sickness, she is my mother.

She said goodbye after a three hour conversation about her life such as obstacles she had to face as a mother of four and being a teenage mother at age 14, it was her last phone call to me before she died, she would have been my mother-in-law.

She said goodbye to her four children after two failed relationships. The first set of sons she had to let go of due to divorce. The court said it was in the best interest of the children to be with their father. The second set she had to say goodbye, because their father didn't have the strength to undergo difficult circumstances due to her health, all four sons three thousand miles away, she was me.

The examples you have just read are true stories of women who have had to undergo enormous stress, insourmountable odds, and much more to say, "Goodbye" to their children. From letting go of their children in death to finding the strength to walk away when you rather fight! What grief, pain, anger, envy, and bitterness a mother experiences! However, through it all a mother can still see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Although, she never gets over saying goodbye completely, she finds a way to keep on living despite her circumstances. She may turn to her faith, family, work more intensely at her job, create a foundation in rememberance of her child, or do something else to bless her with a sense of sanity and peace. Yet, there are mothers who have lost their faith, distance themselves from family and friends, and all but disappeared from society. They are not ready to move on, get over or anything else, because for them they feel they are leaving their babies behind. Even though this isn't correct thinking, and comes from a dark place of despair, this is how she feels and she doesn't want to hear you or I talking about trusting in God. As far as she is concerned, she isn't interested in God anymore! How could a God who loves her take the very thing away from her that made her so happy? This mother is miffed with God.

How do we reach out to our sisters who feel this way? We can start by listening. As women we always have so much to say, we are quick to share our experiences, but we don't consider what she must be going through. We fail to put ourselves in her shoes. If you recall, you weren't ready to embrace every positive thing or statement that came your way. You just wanted to be left alone to gather your thoughts to make some sense of something that at times has no comprehensible explanation. If you are worried about her, go into your closet and pray for her. If she opens up to you, sit back and listen. If you are aware of the things that might make her smile, get them for her. Remove your feelings out of the picture and concentrate on hers. She will at times love you, other times hate you and may offend you. But you are no friend, if you can't stick by her side when she needs you most!

To those mothers who are in similar situations as the ones described above, remember the good times and surround yourself with people and places that will keep you up! As I write I am in grief myself, but I appreciate the good, the bad and the ugly memories of my children, and at times I can't help but laugh! I laugh because I know that if they were in my presence I wouldn't do a d*mn thing different! They would say or do something to send me crazy and I would most likely yell, threaten, or put someone down on their bottom! They would do something sweet and I would most likely put my arms around them and kiss their faces! Find the good in every situation and remember those like yourself when you feel strong again...they need you too!

Burn Out...

Every single day since I found out I was pregnant back in 2006, I have spent it with my children! Now it is 2009, and I am burnt out! Along the way, I did the movie thing, window shopping, asked the father to take them out for a few hours (which he did few and far in between,) requested my own family 3000 miles away from the grandchildren come out and visit, talked to his family (less than 30 minutes away) and they acted disinterested and often used "being busy" as an excuse to avoid contact with me -- I just couldn't shake my building resentment.

I remember wanting to do something different, something for myself, and my partner at the time met my eyes with a look like, "Your kidding me right?" I didn't specifically know at the time what I wanted to do for me, but one thing I did know for sure was that I wanted the children in daycare. He wasn't even a little bit happy with that even though I told him how it would benefit him and the relationship as well. I was even willing to have him cut the money he was giving me and give it to the daycare, but he wasn't having it!

One day I had an "aha" moment like when you suddenly realize a powerful truth about yourself or someone else. For once, I understood why some mothers resort to killing themselves, children and/or mates, the reason starts with feeling burnt out! At some point those around her suspected that she was falling apart, but they either were unwilling to help her, mentioned a few ideas and went on their way, or looked the other way. I learned that mothers do reach out for help prior to feelings of being burnt out, it's just people don't listen or don't take her seriously. I remember one day speaking to a relative about my issues and all I heard was her issues. She wasn't really concerned about what was happening to me nor could she read between the lines when I would tell her, "I am having dark thoughts." I went to my doctor and explained my situation she only recommended I go on vacation, but when I couldn't do that and came back again for the second time many months later, I talked more specifically about my increasing dark thoughts, by then she was all too willing to put me on an antidepressant!

At first the antidepressant worked miracles and I was practically skipping around the house, but then gradually I noticed that I was having an unusual amount of heart palpitations. I continued to take the medicine ignoring the signs until one day I ended up on the floor, having convulsions, and barely able to breathe while having absolutely no control over my body! Imagine being conscience of everything around you, but unable to communicate anything!

I told my doctor what had happened to me while taking the medication and to that she referred me to another doctor who had another medicine for me (yes, another antidepressant!) I was feeling good again on this medicine too, but then I gradually started having more heart palpitations and more convulsions at least once a month despite all my tests showing up normal! I performed Internet research on the drugs to find out how to ween myself off of them since my doctor was too busy to contact me about my getting off of them! By this time I had visited three doctors! I was angry and took matters in my own hands! I discovered quickly that other mothers online had a similar story! I was devastated that my doctor didn't bother to call me back knowing the difficulty I was having with the medicine and withdrawing from it!

As I thought about the events that led up to my cutting antidepressants out of my life, I learned that my issues weren't psychological but physiological. (Only one doctor was able to confirm my notion and recommended I stop seeing doctors about my issues and make some personal changes in my life!) I learned that my mind was running away from an environment I no longer wanted to be in and my unsympathetic, misunderstood (did I mention andropausal) partner couldn't grasp this concept! He thought that I should be happy being around the children all day everyday! Well children never completed me and where he got this idea of mothers being happy around their children all the time, I don't know. Yes, I had been a happy mom early on, but when I wanted something different to happen in my life, besides having a child, I began to burn out...my mind and body was literally ready to shut down for good!

So I write this blog entry specifically for those mothers who were prescribed antidepressants for physiological problems. You aren't going crazy, those around you who choose not to reach out and help you, are the crazy ones! Change your environment or get a new one!

I honestly believe that the judicial system should not only convict mothers who commit crimes on their children in a haze of insanity, but they should also convict these unsupportive spouses who claim, "I didn't know...I wasn't sure...I never knew..." They know they just put their own needs over the needs of the family while expecting the mother to stay in her place! She is reaching out when she says, "I need you...I would like for you...Could you..." It's up to these spouses to hear a mother's cry!

He Doesn't Respect You as a Mother

Here you are in a relationship with a man who says that he loves you and he will do what he can to take care of you and the children. However, when you are faced with challenges in raising them, he sits by and critiques you as if you are his employee and he is managing you.

Your partner says things about your parenting that makes your flesh crawl! He wants to know what you are doing, saying, making, and anything else related to the children and you are to report to him with all the details! Now this isn't a typical situation for most mothers, but there are some in relationships like this as I type. They can't seem to do anything right! What's worse is these men actually aren't doing most things right when it come to parenting the children, so to take the attention off of their faults, they zero in on the mother and what she is or is not doing with the children! Now she is observing him and telling him what he needs to do. Maybe he is giving the children candy before bed, allowing them to stay up late at night with no set time to go to sleep, sitting back and doing nothing when the children are fighting, or forgetting to feed or bathe the children and the mother would like to see some differences made. This is when the relationship gets interesting!

Some men don't take too kindly to women telling them what to do whether they are nice about it or stern. For example, she may say, "That's not the correct way to hold the baby." He retorts with, "Well what do you want me to do?" He may sigh or roll his eyes. Another example, she may see that he isn't disciplining the child for disrespecting her and so she chooses to discipline the child herself. Meanwhile, her partner interferes with negative statements about what she has done or coddles the child when he or she should be in time out or spanked.

How can a woman be confident in her role as a mother, when she doesn't have the support from her spouse? Nothing she does is good enough. He complains to his mother, sister, or friends about how "she is always telling me what to do!" He doesn't want her telling him what to do even when she is nice about it, because it bruises his ego, pride, self-worth, etc. Even when he knows he doesn't know what he is doing as a parent, he doesn't want anyone telling him what to do. This type of attitude wrecks havoc on a relationship. Even if she chooses not to tell him anything and advises that he read about certain parenting styles or techniques, he won't. She may only want to help him, help herself, and help the children by seeing a potential problem and coming up with a better way to resolve the issue, but he doesn't want to hear of it.

Mothers cry about issues like these when they sincerely only want to run the house more efficently, build a solid foundation for the children, enhance their relationship, and do other things to make life better for all! But when she has to contend with a stubborn partner who is more concerned about his ego; rather than, the things that matter in the household, she becomes increasingly frustrated. "Why can't he just see the bigger picture?" It doesn't make sense to allow a child to say or do what they want and only one parent is permitted to discipline them. It doesn't feel good to walk around on egg shells wondering if the other parent is going to snap out on you if you say so much as a word to your son or daughter! When a mother not only cooks, cleans, organizes, creates, instructs, reads, and so much more for her children and a man comes along and tries to rearrange everything that she has worked so hard to get established or ignores her experience with children, just because he doesn't want to change his ways, then expect a ticking time bomb waiting to explode!

Mothers, like fathers, want to be appreciated! They want their voices heard in the home as well. Although we live in the 21st century and women have made great strides for equal rights, in some homes women's rights are still not equal to men's! There is still a man coming home and expecting a woman "to be kept". She is to prepare the food, take care of the babies, and if he has any objections to what she is or isn't doing she is expected to cooperate or be left. An example, "I prefer you stay at home with the children rather than work," her partner says. "But I need to get out in the workplace I don't want to be home all day with the children!" the mother cries. It is then that he begins to create a strategy to get what he wants, while the mother gradually breaks down mentally and physically because she isn't getting what she wants!

There are men that have a vision going into a relationship with a woman of what she is expected to look and act like. If his mother treated him a certain way then he is looking for her to act in similar ways with the children. Sometimes a negative relationship from the past, carries over into a man's present and future and the unsuspecting victim doesn't know that she is being treated like the mother he had been raised by. If his dad was disrespectful to his wife and ran the household when it came to the children, then he may do the same.

There is a fine line between being a mother and a wife and some men can't see the difference! Not only that, some women don't help them see the difference, because they are often being one or the other-- a mother or a wife. A mother can wipe the tears from her eyes when it comes to her role being disrespected by reminding him who she is as a wife first and a mother second! She must remember to take the time to communicate her feelings to him when she is feeling like he is disrespecting her role as a mother. Yet, even after telling him repeatedly how she feels and he still insists on doing many things that make her feel like he doesn't need her input or her in his life, then it is time to call it quits! If she sticks around too long in a relationship like this, she may end up feeing very bitter and will resent her roles as mother and wife. And unfortunately, the children will pay the ultimate price because their mother is unhappy.