Stressed Mothers - Being Everything to Everyone

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years - How I Avoided the Holidays for Over a Decade

You would think a wife and mother of four sons would be all in for the holidays year after year after year.   Throw in the in-laws and one's own family and now you have a cesspool of money spent, stress levels reaching unknown levels, and some of you all know the rest.  But I avoided all of that for over a decade and here's how I did it.

1)  I stated my thoughts about the holiday season and let people know upfront I didn't have the time or money to acknowledge their requests for gifts.  My reasons for not celebrating ranged from spiritual to financial.

2)  I didn't encourage my children to ask myself or others for gifts.  Why would I do that when I was already meeting their needs throughout the year?  If they wanted anything they could ask other times of the year rather than burden others during a time when they were already financially strapped.  Those narcissistic individuals could never blame us that we were selfish, ungrateful, greedy, or needy after the holidays like they did with others.

3)  I didn't accept invites to holiday gatherings nor did I volunteer my services when I knew full well that holidays wasn't my thing.

4)  I redirected my money toward bills that needed to be paid and timed large payments and payoffs accordingly so that I wouldn't be tempted to buy anything during the holiday season.

5)  I didn't spend my hard-earned money decorating the halls while the fathers (two) of my children held on to theirs for personal spending and retirement.

6)  I made no promises or commitment to anyone that I would be buying anything for them now or in the future.

7)  I made myself unavailable to receive phone calls near that time so that I wouldn't be guilted by the manipulative ones about being a Scrooge, mean or whatever other label they put on me.  Too much disrespect, so-called joking, and I cut them off.

You can utilize these tips and find peace for you and your household in the short and/or long term.  It isn't going to be easy implementing most of these tips in your life when you have already spoiled everyone with your gift-giving.  However, once you start setting boundaries early on, you will find that you aren't stressed like others during the holiday season.  Besides, one of the major things I did (save the best for last) was I prayed and allowed God to direct my steps.  Of course, you won't be immune to the holiday planning, gift-giving, and other things that occur year after year for always, but what you will escape is the drama and trauma brought on by self and others during the holidays because you simply choose to rise above it while moving far away from idol worship!

Happy holidays!

Nicholl McGuire

Halloween Fun and Foolishness

I didn't see puberty coming.  It came too fast! Two of my four sons are going through it.  From the cracking voices to the occasional comments about something changing, growing, aching, or downright annoying!  They are content one day seated in front of their gaming devices and angry the other wanting to beat each other up.  Dull days are few and far in between in my household especially this past Halloween.  The devil was busy!  Leading up to the holiday, the atmosphere seemed tense.  You felt like something was about to happen but you didn't quite know what it was.  The unseen and unexplained challenging moments in a day tend to show up sometimes with a clue to brace yourself, but not always those full blown signs to take cover.

Let me start by saying that Halloween is not a holiday I like or celebrate, but this year was different.  I felt pressured by the children the night before when they were rattling the door knob while I took a shower.  They were making random noises to jolt a scare.  These boys were all-too-excited for no apparent reason, and I simply didn't connect the dots at first, oh yea, Halloween.

Well, I wasn't taking their scare tactics lightly, oh no!  The tables were going to turn like they did on Friday the 13th back in 2017.  Back then they tried to scare me again, waiting for me to come out the bathroom while one son yelled at the door in a creepy voice, "Hey Mom, are you in there pooping, ha, ha, ha!"  You can check the short movie out, their fear was real, see here.  Well if I was, I wouldn't have a pleasant bowel movement of peace and quiet, now would I?  I came out that bathroom to a pitch black house just the light from the bathroom shined in the hallway.  Uh oh.  So they wanted to play games in the dark, well let's begin!  Let's just say by the time I was finished with them, they didn't try anything else again until this year.

October 30th I made sure that I moved through the house like a track star.  All lights cut off, doors semi-cracked, and the sounds of thumping and bumping with a periodic pause in between.  They thought they were ready for me with their creepy music and their flickering lights.  A loud "booh" and a scream, sent them running in the dark.  Of course, it was a dangerous game, someone could get hurt.  Well there was a lesson to be learned when a child attempts to scare his mother while at the same time just having fun.

I caught the youngest coming up the stairs.  I laid low and watched him through the staircase.  He looked up and there I was with a loud, "Booh!"  He tripped down the stairs and caught himself by catching the rail.  The middle son decided to boldly walk over to the basement door assuming that I may not be there, that was just too obvious so he thought.  He opened that cracked door, didn't he know from watching thrillers you don't go to a dark opened door?  There I was, "Booh!"  Shook him enough and he too took off running.  Then there was my second eldest standing at about 6'2" so he thought he had more courage than them all, well he didn't!  He practically knocked his brothers over running to the bathroom to lock himself in.  The eldest son wasn't a part of the action he has his own place now, "lucky" or I mean blessed for him--lol.

For years, I told these kids about Halloween, but sometimes you have to show them, better than you can tell them.  I'm grateful that no one got hurt.

Nicholl McGuire

The Spider Mother - based on Nicholl's book Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

When a Partner Doesn't Listen to Your Cry, Children Could Care Less

Ever been frustrated when attempting to communicate your concerns to a partner?  He or she shrugs, fakes interest, or responds in a tone that brings out the worse in you.  Meanwhile, children couldn’t care less that the dispute was instigated by what they said or didn’t do. 

No one heard the instruction, caution, or anger spewing out of your voice attempting to keep something from occurring days or even weeks prior.  The day goes on.  Mom is the crazy one and everyone else is sane.

When your family doesn’t hear you, there are times where you have to be like an annoying fly until they do.  Of course, they will want to do what they can to make you go away, but persistent moms get the job done.  Whether they post reminders all over the house, call twice a day plus send texts checking in on their troubled children, or stand in the living room with a bullhorn to get everyone to stop fighting, Mom knows that some activities require un-divided attention.  She may have to take children’s favorite items out of rooms in order for homework to be completed and cut off time spent with favorite relatives and friends until matters at home are addressed. 

When her relationship is begging for aid, Mom might go out of her way to change her entire appearance, cook a full spread meal, and purchase her husband’s favorite drinks just to say, “I love you!”  Her husband may be oblivious as to what is happening with her, at home and the children due to work obligations.  As crazy as some of this might sound, there just is no getting through to some people with tough personalities without some attention-grabbing action.  

Now you may not be like that over-the-top with getting results from your family, and the truth be told neither am I.  I am not the type who stands on a soap box yelling at the top of my lungs, wearing a Tutu trying to get my family to hear me.  Yet, whatever creative or not-so creative way you come up with, the objective Mom is to get someone in that house to hear your cry before you do something that you might later regret!

Many mothers are killing themselves softly inside, because they refuse to voice their concerns about things like: their children’s school progress, their husband’s infidelity, the busy-body in-laws, an addiction that has crept up out of nowhere, internal pain and suffering, etc.  These so-called Super Moms believe that by “keeping the peace” and balancing everything under the sun they are doing the right thing.  However, what they are really doing is building ticking time bombs on the inside.  If only some deceased husbands and babies knew before they were placed six feet down in their graves. 

What a mother chooses to do to communicate with her stubborn family members has to be attention-grabbing, functional, within reason, and most of all out of love.  Not only are you expecting your family to hear you, but you have to be willing to hear them too.  As I have said awhile ago, a lot of Moms are leaving this world before their partners.  They are exhausted with having to work jobs that they don’t like or require long hours, manage household, care for children, check on relatives, catch up with friends, run errands, follow-up with doctors, take prescription medicines, plan holiday events, and more.  They are running themselves ragged!

I shared with my children one day what I needed from them.  I repeatedly told them about chores, posted the lists where they could see them, and asked them about homework.  I reminded them of the consequences.  They have since had to learn the hard way.  I sat down with my husband on many occasions communicating my concerns about many things respectfully, angrily, and silently.  When issues aren’t addressed once again there are consequences.  As much as you don’t want to see any of your family members suffer, there comes a point where what you are feeling inside transfers on to them simply because there is an unwillingness to change.  There is more to life then one’s personal comfort, routine, and what he or she feels is “right” to them. 

Quality families are built on trust, communication, respect, and love.  Without these things, they are destined to fail.  I told my children one day, “When I walk out this room, I trust that you are going to do what I told you…I respect you, but I don’t like your not listening…I love you but I don’t have to like what you are doing.  If your brother (or anyone) is doing something you don’t like and after you told him and he is still doing the same thing, you come tell me and I will deal with him.”  They know not to keep things bottled inside, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of the same thing.  Don’t be worried or fearful about irritating or angering one of your relatives because you need some cooperation from them!

Share your cry today with someone whether online or offline who needs to understand what is bothering you, why you aren’t your typical happy self, and what you might need to help you get through another day! 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. 

Queen Naija - Mama's Hand

No One Said Being a Mother Was Easy at Any Stage

If there was one thing I learned from experience and talking to other mothers, it isn't easy being a parent--it requires work mentally, physically and spiritually!  No matter what stage these boys were in from newborn to young adult, we had our share of parenting challenges.

A lot of what I personally went through emotionally in the past had much to do with trying to be all things to them even when I could have done the following such as: delegated responsibilities, limited or withheld spending my money--let someone else pay for something, avoided certain topics that I didn't feel I was ready to discuss, took more time-outs for self--without children, sought counseling rather than hold things in at times, build a personal network of strong mothers, and more.

The "should have, could have, would have..." internal speech did nothing more than brought on regrets and harsh criticism from myself or others who felt like they could say something not-so positive or encouraging.  Know-it-all moms, well they don't make the best listeners, now do they?  What I know now is what I am proactively doing: delegating, networking, saving, etc.  I refuse to be the mom feeling like it is me against "they," because I just want to see everyone happy.  I still have work to do concerning myself and parenting my children--by the love of God, I will do it!

These days I am so over trying to be the "best Mom" by being all things to them.  The boys are old enough to cook, clean, organize, schedule activities, make money, and a couple sons are responsible enough to shop for themselves utilizing their own budgets and saving money.

One child, still at home, shared just the other day with his father via text, "Mom didn't cook."  Excuse me!?  I yelled, "You know how to cook!  Why didn't you tell him, "You didn't cook!"  Looks like that one will have a hungry belly if he doesn't crack open a recipe book or search the 'Net.  He was quite confident that day he was going to get a hot fast food meal once again from dad, but he didn't cave in to the pressure.  Dad brought something home that needed to be cooked.  However, our son should have been in the kitchen cooking.  Dad cooked (sigh).  The child is almost 13 years old and cooked plenty of hamburgers and other foods in the past!  Why stop now?  Most of the things he selected when we went to the grocery store, he could just pop in the microwave!  Go figure!?

At this parenting stage, raising teens, I am dealing with the spirit of laziness and procrastination with two out of the four. The other two sons are older.  I am working on keeping the second eldest motivated to get a second job so that he can achieve his goal, getting his own place.  He needs two incomes.  The eldest he has his own place, but he rarely calls.  He says he is busy working, he has two jobs.  He knows cost of living isn't cheap when you are on your own.  I continue to encourage him when I do reach out--there is no turning back.  Son, enjoy the much sought after freedom like I did when I swung the door wide exiting my parent's home long ago :)

Remember staying up late nights because your child was sick, active, hungry, or crying due to a painful tooth coming in?  Well, these days the concern comes and goes when they are out at night whether riding or walking.  I spend time praying like I did when they were babies.  I refuse to lose sleep like I once did. God you got this!

Once they started walking, they were getting into whatever they could get into!  We bought fencing to keep them out of hazardous things and other items that we simply got tired of saying, "No, let's go over here...play with this toy."  Now we have to persuade two of the four boys to come out of their bedrooms and take a break from the screens.  There are battles sometimes.  The comforts in their bedroom will soon go away when it is time to start looking for a job.  They wanted so bad to explore their little worlds when they were younger, well soon they can when they are older!

Yes, motherhood hasn't been easy at any stage, but I manage.  I know that there is more to parenting young adults in the future; however, I will admit, I am so over having my own cute babies.  So I hear grandparenting is easy only when you can send them back home and they aren't often in your care--great!?

Nicholl McGuire  owner of this blog and author of When Mother's Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

Are You a Parent, Grandparent Ready to Snap on Your Meanspirited Teen or...

The Latest Battles: Screen Time, Sibling Rivalry and Requests for Own Rooms

After spending years of whining, diapers, and picky eating, nowadays we are dealing with puberty with two of the four sons and young adulthood with the other two guys.  They have their up and down days.  During the school year, it seemed like we had more fights between siblings than any other issues.  With sons it can be physical first, then talk later.  Watching sporting events like wrestling and football for hours don't make testosterone filled days any better!

Recent battles have included:  a protest regarding the reduction in screen time on all devices, spats with siblings usually about someone calling a name out of anger, and a need for more space.  One son accomplished his goal in February and moved out.  I didn't make things comfortable for him leading up to his departure, because I recognized the adult in him was bravely coming out to exercise his authority.  When the older children felt like they could handle what life throws at them, I took them on a trial run.  The eldest passed after I gave him numerous responsibilities.  

As for the others, the second eldest is on his way to independent living.  He is excited about the possibility of having his own place, but not without a second job.  The third and fourth son have awhile to go so I am managing the situations as they arise.  One issue that will soon be resolved is giving them their own rooms.  Too much is given, much is required.  Screen time is still limited during the week and bed time is enforced through the week.  I consider this a win for Mom and Dad!

There is no crying over children during this season of my life, but there are times of yelling like a drill sergeant.  It won't be long now before they are leaders/husbands/fathers.  I hope their time with us serves them well.

Getting them out and about cuts down on the screen time.

I wish sporting events weren't so long...almost bed time.

    

When Co-Parenting Goes Wrong

An offensive statement, slacking on responsibilities, using children to cause the other parent grief…whatever your challenge, it is clear that whatever amicable relationship you once had between one another it is no more!  So what to do?

Take a look at what is in your power.

Whether you are proactive in calling children, picking them up or dropping them off, there is power in doing that and the best thing to do is keep it up!  You may not like/love the other parent anymore, but you love your children don’t you?  So do what you can to make life easier for them.  You already impacted them in so many other ways that hasn’t been so positive.  

Whether you like the truth or not, you and the other parent disempowered the children when you both started warring with one another.  Their voices weren’t hard through the yelling, silent treatment and any other war you had with the other parent.  You both were determined to end the relationship, so now what you do going forward is in the best interest of the children not you or the other parent!  Hopefully, as the children mature they will heal emotionally and physically.  So it is in your power to connect with the parent to get your needs met whether personally or through a third party.  It is in your power to raise the children not to hate the other parent.  It is in your power not to badmouth the other parent to children.  State facts not opinion, when necessary.

Use the tools that have been made available to you.

From parental support groups to food and financial assistance, there are many programs that can help you feed and house your children and obtain whatever mental supports you all might need.  However, when you are stubborn, bitter or envious of the other parent, your mind is solely focused on what you can get from the other parent or how you might pay he or she back for every offense; rather than spend so much time thinking evilly of the other parent, think: “What can I do for my children and self to make our quality of life better?”  

It hurts when an ex-partner makes promises he or she doesn’t keep.  Do you focus on what he or she hasn’t done for you lately or do you get out there and do what you can to meet your family’s needs?  Let your attorney handle the legal matters while you manage your daily responsibilities whether children are with you full-time or not.

Avoid the belief that a new partner will solve your personal and professional hardships.

Too many divorced men and women are under the false assumption that if and when someone new comes into their lives that everything will be okay.  Maybe that might happen for awhile, but then the newness of the relationship wears off.  The fantasy of one big, happy family becomes a reality filled with many unhappy family members.  

The new partner is burned out with trying to appease someone who has just as much, if not more baggage than he or she.  Then again, you might end up being the one carrying the load once more in a new relationship or you find yourself dumping your load on to someone else.  Consider this you will find yourself persuading your children into accepting someone new and their offspring when they are still trying to heal from the break up between their mother and father.  Some divorced people simply ask too much from broken children.

As much as fighting parents would love to believe that they are doing all things right by their children, the truth is, they are not!  Rather they are creating further division when they stubbornly do things like:

1) Refuse to compromise on things like: appointments, what to buy children, or where to take them for entertainment.

2) Refuse to make lifestyle choices that are healthy and honest without selfish motives.

3) Refuse to slow down or stop starting new relationships without considering the current familial challenges or how even the new partner might feel about being brought into an inner circle of conflict.

4) Refuse to listen to children’s concerns and other relatives counsel.

5) Refuse to stop participating in acts of emotion, physical, financial, or even sexual abuse!

6) Refuse to seek help for addictions from shopping to substance abuse.

7) Refuse to stop talking or doing negative things to insult the other parent and possibly children.  

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and the author of When Mothers Cry