It is never too late to enlist the help of dad even if you have kept him out of your children's affairs most of their lives. He may have told you repeatedly how he can't do this, don't have the time for that, and why don't you help with that issue or this one? But the truth is, dad needs to do more when it comes to raising children especially sons. When you asked for his help, Dad might bring up the past, argue, threaten or even push you to yell at the top of your lungs, "Why don't you listen? I need you to help!" No matter what the lazy, poor, blind, crippled, or crazy dad tries to do to wiggle his way out of paying for something, advising your children, or simply being there for them, don't let him! Chances are if he has experience with a previous family, he has much experience getting out of things. Whether you have to do things like: pray daily and partake in a spiritual fast, have the dreaded meeting that might start divorce proceedings, make an important phone call with tears in your eyes, or contact some outside help that absolutely hates good-for-nothing dads, don't give up on getting dad involved with your sons and daughters, moms!Too many men have used excuses for far too long to keep from doing everything from changing a diaper to putting gas in the car to take children to their activities. "Oh, I can't do that I have to work late. My back and head hurts again, sorry honey. You know what my childhood was like...you are better at that kind of thing with the kids. I wish I could help but there is a big game on TV!"
As long as you permit him to say and do what he wants when he wants, you will keep being the one having to "do it all!" For some of you reading this, you have said just that! "I do everything around here! What does he do? I have to buy this and that...be the one to help our children with their needs...Whenever I ask him to do something he acts like he can't hear me!"
In time, what tends to happen is a breakdown of communication which ultimately leads to a relationship breaking up. A stressed out and often angry mother who feels taken advantage of will start saying and doing the kinds of things that will drive dad mad and possibly out of his home (mentally and physically) into the arms of someone else who he just might enlist the help of her to help out with the children. You may have already experienced such a thing and now you have to listen to, "Dad's girlfriend did this for me...and Dad told his girlfriend to do that for us...Dad's fiance is very nice to me she said..." The man didn't change, even with a new partner, he just passed the buck literally onto someone who wouldn't make him do anything!
So what can a mom, who still has an ounce of love and respect for the children's father, do? Express her feelings and ask for more assistance. She can gradually get him involved with more things without a grand announcement that includes a soapbox speech complete with an audience--notice I said gradually get him involved, this means introducing one thing at a time each day. Some men simply can't handle too much of anything when it comes to family life especially when there is a crying infant in the house. So do keep this in mind before you start thinking about all that he needs/he better do.In addition, a mother can share her plans in a way that includes him in the decision-making especially when it comes to spending money--show him the benefits. Enlist his help when it comes to organizing, cleaning, teaching, care-taking etc. even if it means hanging schedules and notes around the house as reminders to the whole family (not just him)--avoid large, angry, red signs and don't post more than two.
Keep in mind, one is trying to lighten her load. She tells dad when she is unavailable in advance; rather than spring things up on him. She leaves her partner with the children, but doesn't fail to supply meals, snacks and whatever else the children need. Mom finds a way to get things done that doesn't require her supervision, instruction, etc. in very little time, because she is organized and manages time well.
As we all know, there is more to being a father besides bringing home the bacon and periodically asking sons and daughters, "To do this...and do that or else!" Nowadays more and more women are bringing home the bacon too, but they aren't relinquishing some of their household duties and family responsibilities which are sending them to their graves earlier and earlier!
Most dads don't want to be bothered when they are staring at the fires of their lives like cavemen many centuries ago. They love their televisions, computer screens, and other electronics. They enjoy eating and don't care much if kitchen is cleaned daily, fresh bed sheets are on the bed, and the house is well decorated. Many could care less about home-cooked meals for the children when there is a McDonalds down the street. These dads might melt when their children smile and give them things, but avoid them like a plague when they are having difficulties especially when finances are involved.
So if a woman comes along willing to bear a separated or divorced father more children or has one or more already, the dad doesn't feel like he has to do much else when Mom is "Taking care of this...Working here and there...Doing this and that for me and the kids..." Why should he get off the couch and bother to assist his partner when she is adamantly telling him, "I run the show and I don't need anyone telling me what to do or helping me, thank you very much!"
Get Dads involved! It is a matter of life and death to many of you women who already have illnesses as a result of doing far too much for far too many years for far too many people! Listen to your doctor and your heavenly Creator and let them lighten your burdens--listen, stop defending your actions and creating false flags for your life, watch as well as pray! God uses his messengers to warn you, "You are doing too much! Why don't you let the children's father do some of those things?" Maybe Dad doesn't do what you do as good as you, so teach him and give that man the pass when he messes up without nagging him. Keep showing him how to care for children until he does what you ask of him right.
Nicholl McGuire
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