Dating Gone Wrong - A Mother's Choices Could Break a Generational Curse of Emotional and Physical Abuse

The woman felt like she was cursed. Her mother and grandmother had both been in abusive relationships, and she had sworn she would never let that happen to her. But here she was, years later, in the same situation.

She had been dating the man for a few months and things were going great...or so she thought. He was charming and sweet, always doing little things to make her feel special. But behind closed doors, he would rage at her, calling her names and accusing her of things she hadn't done while her children sat by and watched.

She had tried to break up with him multiple times, but he always managed to convince her to stay. He would promise that things would be different this time, that he loved her and only wanted what was best for her. And so she would give him another chance...only to be hurt again.

And yet she couldn't help but keep coming back. He was the only one who made her feel wanted and loved...even if it was only for a brief moment. She knew she was in danger, but she couldn't seem to pull herself away from him.

This scenario is unfortunately all-too-common especially when a husband, boyfriend, or father of the children is paying bills and for the most part, good with the children.  However, a mother knows, she can feel that something is not right with her partner.  Let's explore what she should do to manage what she has gotten herself into and why it is important to slowly but surely break away from the troubled man.

First, assess the severity of the situation. If the husband/boyfriend is physically abusive, then she should seek immediate help from a domestic violence shelter or the police. If her partner is just emotionally and verbally abusive, then the mother can try to break away gradually.

She should start by spending more time with friends and family, and slowly make less and less time available for the man. She can also start making excuses for why she can't go out or why she has to leave early. The goal is to make this man feel like he is gradually losing control over her which may set him off particularly if he has psychological issues related to feeling of abandonment.

If the man becomes angry or violent when she tries to break away, she should seek help from a domestic violence shelter or the police.

It is never a good idea to stay with someone who is emotionally and physically abusive toward you or your children or even a pet!  When a person is showing you signs that he can't manage his emotions, it is safe to say that he also will not be able to reason why he is hurting you either and will do so again and again until you leave.  

Children are like sponges and they see and feel the emotions of their mother; unfortunately the longer you remain in the difficult relationship, the more likely they will repeat the pattern of unhealthy behaviors now and when they become older. Think about that for a moment -- another generation traumatized by abuses committed by parents while attracting what is familiar. They eventually carry out the same emotional and physical abuse on their own children.  Ready to take the necessary steps to leave yet?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues, and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

Your Mother Needed Help

Daughters of Passive Emotionally Unavailable Mothers - Lisa A. Romano

Narcissistic Mothers and Fathers - Their Always Right, You’re Always Wrong

If you're the child of a narcissistic mother or father, you know firsthand how difficult it can be to deal with their selfishness and constant need for attention. It can be an emotional roller coaster, and you may often feel like you're walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their narcissistic parental rage. However, if you have no clue what kind of parent you have, and all you know is that he or she is increasingly stressful to be around, keep reading because chances are your parent may be a narcissist.

1. A narcissistic parent is always right.

No matter what you say or do, a narcissistic parent will always find a way to make themselves look like the victim and you look like the bad child, ungrateful, disloyal, ignorant, etc. If you try to stand up for yourself, they will gaslight you and make you question your own reality.

2. A narcissistic parent is never wrong.

Narcissistic mothers and fathers are never wrong – in their own eyes, at least. They will always blame someone else for their own mistakes and shortcomings. If you point out their flaws, they will either deny them or turn the tables and accuse you of being the narcissistic one.

3. A narcissistic parent is always the center of attention.

Narcissistic parents need to be the center of attention at all times. They are always seeking validation and approval from others. If you try to steal the spotlight, they will become jealous and resentful.

4. A narcissistic parent is overly critical.

Narcissistic parents are notoriously critical. They are never satisfied with anything you do and will always find fault with your accomplishments. They may also belittle your interests and hobbies in an effort to make you feel inferior.

5. A narcissistic parent is manipulative.

Narcissistic mothers and fathers are experts at manipulation. They will use emotional blackmail, guilt trips, and other forms of coercion to get what they want from you. They may also try to control your behavior by threatening to withdraw their love or support.

6. A narcissistic parent is self-absorbed.

Narcissistic parents are completely self-absorbed and lack empathy for others. They only care about their own needs and wants and have no consideration for how their actions may affect others.

7. A narcissistic parent is jealous and envious.

Narcissistic parents are often jealous and envious of their children’s success or happiness. They may try to sabotage your relationships or achievements in order to keep you “under their control”.

8. A narcissistic parent is overly competitive.

Narcissistic parents are often very competitive, both with their children and with others. They need to be the best at everything and can’t stand to see anyone else succeed. This can make it very difficult for their children to feel good about their own accomplishments.

9. A narcissistic parent is narcissistic.

This one may seem obvious, but it’s important to remember that not all parents are narcissistic. Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition that is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Mothers and fathers with this disorder often have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships due to their selfish and narcissistic behaviors.

10. A narcissistic parent is abusive.

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse that is perpetrated by someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic parents are often very controlling and manipulative, and they may use emotional blackmail, gaslighting, and other forms of manipulation to control their victims. 

Narcissistic abuse can have serious consequences for the victim’s mental and physical health. If you think you may have a narcissistic mother or father, please seek help from a qualified professional.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner and contributor of this blog and the author of Tell Me Mother You’re Sorry and Say Goodbye to Dad

Since My Mother Died the Pain Just Stopped

It had been years since my mother died. It doesn't hurt like it did when I first found out she had passed away, I got used to the sick feeling that was in my stomach that came and went. One day it had just stopped showing up when I talked about her.  Back then when I learned of her passing from lung cancer, I was with my husband and four sons, and I had just started a new job. 

I did what I could to remain strong for my family and it worked! Meditation, prayer, and conversation with loved ones, helped me to focus on my own needs and not just on what had occurred with my mother or my challenging marital, parental, and work responsibilities at the time. I needed to feel free after the death of my mother. I needed to regroup, collect my thoughts and move on.  Eventually, I would end the job, experience surgery due to noncancerous tumors, and then start recovery without the worry of having to go back to work right away.

I knew that I couldn't keep living in the past wishing that my mother had not smoked cigarettes, wishing that she was easygoing like she was before my grandmother's passing, wishing that she wasn't fearful of planes, wishing that she showed interest in my younger children, wishing that she had been closer to her own mother before she had passed, and wishing that she had never experienced all the emotional and physical abuses she had endured since her youth. My mother was gone, and I needed to move on. I was grateful for the time that I had with her. She had died during a time we were not speaking to one another.  It was best that our relationship ended without yelling, cursing, or fighting.  She hadn't been the same since my grandmother had died and neither was I.

I found a newfound joy in my children and in my husband prior to her passing. They were one of many reasons why I stayed positive, and they helped me to move on from the death of my mother. They and God made me happy, and I refused to let the absence of my mother in my life negatively impact my relationships with them--my mother wouldn't have wanted that for me.

I healed because I remained hopeful that things would get better for all of us who had lost our moms. The pain was there, and it had become easier to deal with over time until it disappeared and in its place was an unspeakable joy like a knowing that you will see that person soon.

Since her death, I continue to complete daily chores, tend to my family's needs, and achieve work goals. I have my personal faith and meditate when possible. I don't solely rely on my spouse or my children to make me happy. I have evolved learning to enjoy life my way.  Life is too short to let negative situations suffocate you!  As one relative told me, "You rise above them." So still I rise!

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of many nonfiction books including When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.