The Spider Mother - based on Nicholl's book Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

When a Partner Doesn't Listen to Your Cry, Children Could Care Less

Ever been frustrated when attempting to communicate your concerns to a partner?  He or she shrugs, fakes interest, or responds in a tone that brings out the worse in you.  Meanwhile, children couldn’t care less that the dispute was instigated by what they said or didn’t do. 

No one heard the instruction, caution, or anger spewing out of your voice attempting to keep something from occurring days or even weeks prior.  The day goes on.  Mom is the crazy one and everyone else is sane.

When your family doesn’t hear you, there are times where you have to be like an annoying fly until they do.  Of course, they will want to do what they can to make you go away, but persistent moms get the job done.  Whether they post reminders all over the house, call twice a day plus send texts checking in on their troubled children, or stand in the living room with a bullhorn to get everyone to stop fighting, Mom knows that some activities require un-divided attention.  She may have to take children’s favorite items out of rooms in order for homework to be completed and cut off time spent with favorite relatives and friends until matters at home are addressed. 

When her relationship is begging for aid, Mom might go out of her way to change her entire appearance, cook a full spread meal, and purchase her husband’s favorite drinks just to say, “I love you!”  Her husband may be oblivious as to what is happening with her, at home and the children due to work obligations.  As crazy as some of this might sound, there just is no getting through to some people with tough personalities without some attention-grabbing action.  

Now you may not be like that over-the-top with getting results from your family, and the truth be told neither am I.  I am not the type who stands on a soap box yelling at the top of my lungs, wearing a Tutu trying to get my family to hear me.  Yet, whatever creative or not-so creative way you come up with, the objective Mom is to get someone in that house to hear your cry before you do something that you might later regret!

Many mothers are killing themselves softly inside, because they refuse to voice their concerns about things like: their children’s school progress, their husband’s infidelity, the busy-body in-laws, an addiction that has crept up out of nowhere, internal pain and suffering, etc.  These so-called Super Moms believe that by “keeping the peace” and balancing everything under the sun they are doing the right thing.  However, what they are really doing is building ticking time bombs on the inside.  If only some deceased husbands and babies knew before they were placed six feet down in their graves. 

What a mother chooses to do to communicate with her stubborn family members has to be attention-grabbing, functional, within reason, and most of all out of love.  Not only are you expecting your family to hear you, but you have to be willing to hear them too.  As I have said awhile ago, a lot of Moms are leaving this world before their partners.  They are exhausted with having to work jobs that they don’t like or require long hours, manage household, care for children, check on relatives, catch up with friends, run errands, follow-up with doctors, take prescription medicines, plan holiday events, and more.  They are running themselves ragged!

I shared with my children one day what I needed from them.  I repeatedly told them about chores, posted the lists where they could see them, and asked them about homework.  I reminded them of the consequences.  They have since had to learn the hard way.  I sat down with my husband on many occasions communicating my concerns about many things respectfully, angrily, and silently.  When issues aren’t addressed once again there are consequences.  As much as you don’t want to see any of your family members suffer, there comes a point where what you are feeling inside transfers on to them simply because there is an unwillingness to change.  There is more to life then one’s personal comfort, routine, and what he or she feels is “right” to them. 

Quality families are built on trust, communication, respect, and love.  Without these things, they are destined to fail.  I told my children one day, “When I walk out this room, I trust that you are going to do what I told you…I respect you, but I don’t like your not listening…I love you but I don’t have to like what you are doing.  If your brother (or anyone) is doing something you don’t like and after you told him and he is still doing the same thing, you come tell me and I will deal with him.”  They know not to keep things bottled inside, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of the same thing.  Don’t be worried or fearful about irritating or angering one of your relatives because you need some cooperation from them!

Share your cry today with someone whether online or offline who needs to understand what is bothering you, why you aren’t your typical happy self, and what you might need to help you get through another day! 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. 

Queen Naija - Mama's Hand

No One Said Being a Mother Was Easy at Any Stage

If there was one thing I learned from experience and talking to other mothers, it isn't easy being a parent--it requires work mentally, physically and spiritually!  No matter what stage these boys were in from newborn to young adult, we had our share of parenting challenges.

A lot of what I personally went through emotionally in the past had much to do with trying to be all things to them even when I could have done the following such as: delegated responsibilities, limited or withheld spending my money--let someone else pay for something, avoided certain topics that I didn't feel I was ready to discuss, took more time-outs for self--without children, sought counseling rather than hold things in at times, build a personal network of strong mothers, and more.

The "should have, could have, would have..." internal speech did nothing more than brought on regrets and harsh criticism from myself or others who felt like they could say something not-so positive or encouraging.  Know-it-all moms, well they don't make the best listeners, now do they?  What I know now is what I am proactively doing: delegating, networking, saving, etc.  I refuse to be the mom feeling like it is me against "they," because I just want to see everyone happy.  I still have work to do concerning myself and parenting my children--by the love of God, I will do it!

These days I am so over trying to be the "best Mom" by being all things to them.  The boys are old enough to cook, clean, organize, schedule activities, make money, and a couple sons are responsible enough to shop for themselves utilizing their own budgets and saving money.

One child, still at home, shared just the other day with his father via text, "Mom didn't cook."  Excuse me!?  I yelled, "You know how to cook!  Why didn't you tell him, "You didn't cook!"  Looks like that one will have a hungry belly if he doesn't crack open a recipe book or search the 'Net.  He was quite confident that day he was going to get a hot fast food meal once again from dad, but he didn't cave in to the pressure.  Dad brought something home that needed to be cooked.  However, our son should have been in the kitchen cooking.  Dad cooked (sigh).  The child is almost 13 years old and cooked plenty of hamburgers and other foods in the past!  Why stop now?  Most of the things he selected when we went to the grocery store, he could just pop in the microwave!  Go figure!?

At this parenting stage, raising teens, I am dealing with the spirit of laziness and procrastination with two out of the four. The other two sons are older.  I am working on keeping the second eldest motivated to get a second job so that he can achieve his goal, getting his own place.  He needs two incomes.  The eldest he has his own place, but he rarely calls.  He says he is busy working, he has two jobs.  He knows cost of living isn't cheap when you are on your own.  I continue to encourage him when I do reach out--there is no turning back.  Son, enjoy the much sought after freedom like I did when I swung the door wide exiting my parent's home long ago :)

Remember staying up late nights because your child was sick, active, hungry, or crying due to a painful tooth coming in?  Well, these days the concern comes and goes when they are out at night whether riding or walking.  I spend time praying like I did when they were babies.  I refuse to lose sleep like I once did. God you got this!

Once they started walking, they were getting into whatever they could get into!  We bought fencing to keep them out of hazardous things and other items that we simply got tired of saying, "No, let's go over here...play with this toy."  Now we have to persuade two of the four boys to come out of their bedrooms and take a break from the screens.  There are battles sometimes.  The comforts in their bedroom will soon go away when it is time to start looking for a job.  They wanted so bad to explore their little worlds when they were younger, well soon they can when they are older!

Yes, motherhood hasn't been easy at any stage, but I manage.  I know that there is more to parenting young adults in the future; however, I will admit, I am so over having my own cute babies.  So I hear grandparenting is easy only when you can send them back home and they aren't often in your care--great!?

Nicholl McGuire  owner of this blog and author of When Mother's Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

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