On Preparing My Young Adult Son to Move Out

The day he gave me the side eye along with that tone to his voice that only a parent can detect is downright disrespectful, I had made up in my mind that we had to work a bit faster on getting him prepared to move out.  Otherwise, I would be that parent who would one day kick him out.  I simply don’t like young adults who act angrily or disrespectful over seemingly minor issues that could easily be resolved with a question or an offer to help.

This son had been often left alone at his old residence living with dad and other family members.  All that time to self made him feel like he was an adult already even in his early teens.  He made his own meals at times, performed errands and chores, but wasn’t required to obtain employment.  It wasn’t until I brought up a job that he started pursuing one.  

I foresaw a future where he was going to have money battles with his stepparent and father if he didn’t move on getting a job quickly.  He listened and he went above and beyond at his first place of employment.  As things changed in that household so too did his plans for staying with his dad.  He ended up living with us.  Prior to his moving out, I explained how my household was run and that he would be required to work if he wanted to live with me.  He had no problem with that since he had already listened to my advice in the past and was accustomed to making his own money.

It was literally weeks after living with us that he did get a job.  However, that didn’t happen without me encouraging him and assisting with his job search.  I explained that he was to create a list of places he applied to daily and that we would have meetings going over his job search progress.  These meetings were crucial because this way he would be held accountable and I would be at peace knowing he was doing his part to take care of his self.  He didn’t want to lose what little he came with (that was a consequence) if he didn’t do what was asked.  I only had to mention that once and he continued to job search.  You see, he enjoyed gaming and that was a distraction at times.  No job search, no gaming console. 

The biggest mistake that many parents make when they are supposedly helping young adults is continuing to make life at home comfortable for them even though it is in the best interest of all to see a young adult independent, mentally strong and physically capable of taking care of his or herself.  Why would any of us want to move out if parents are paying for everything, cleaning house, doing our laundry, scheduling our appointments, cooking our food, etc. all with smiles on their faces? 

For my son, the comforts of home adjusted slightly once he started working.  I expected a reasonable household contribution and chores to be completed.  We met about that monthly to ensure that things expected of him would continue to be done.  When it was time for him to take on a second job, we did the same.  We met about the job search, discussed his present and future expenses, and shared details about apartment costs and utilities in the area.  He started saving more money to meet goals.

Now he has a move-out date and a place to stay.  Although I feel happy for him, I also feel sad because he’s my son and I love him.  However, it is a must that he has his own space.  His mind and body are changing.  As he goes through his “What it means to be a man…” life transition, he doesn’t need me to annoy or burden him.  I did my part guiding him toward his freedom.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, Say Goodbye to Dad, and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

Do Not Provoke Children to Wrath

Unhappy People Don't Want You Happy

There are Sunny Days Ahead Despite the Rainfall of Problems

Cheer up Mother!  You are doing the best you can.  Fighting the good fight, you are like Superman leaping over tall buildings in a single bound!  The more challenges, the stronger you become.  I must admit if it hadn't been for those fights in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today.  Although I ran at times from difficulty, I found my way back again willing to try, try, try again!  So don't give up, Mom!  No matter how much the babies cry, the spouse argues, the relatives need you, and your work calls you, you can do this!

Take a breath, relax.  It's okay to relax.  Sometimes we don't think we are productive when we take a time out.  However, I learned from personal experience, lying on my back from an anxiety attack, that I am productively increasing energy and strength when I pause while everyone else is going a mile a minute.  Unfortunately, I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

Photo by Helena Sollie on Unsplash

Some of you mothers claim to have a faith, so why not put it to good use?  God is waiting--He wants to hear from you.  Others you say, "I am love, light, hope, peace..." well then act like it!  So little time on this planet to get things done, but also so little time to appreciate the good times when they are here so be grateful for them rather than complain.  We teach our children to be appreciative, here's a little reminder, just say, "Thank you!" even when the storms of life have rained on your parade.

A moment of solitude, thank you!  Time for self--yeah!  You never know when the next battle might show up, so be ready, pray!

A moment of waiting in a long line, thank you!  You may be avoiding a major accident.

A moment of laughter, thank you!  A good laugh heals the soul.

A moment with family and friends (even if it isn't the best of times,) thank you!  Appreciate them. Consider the lonely and confused with no one to call.

A moment of rain, thank you!  The earth needed a good bath and maybe your car too.

Yes, it's the little things in life we say, "Thank you!" Our focus starts to redirect toward those sunny days ahead while we stop those negative thoughts that pop put of nowhere.  "Not today, no thank you!"

No matter the problems, tell yourself, "I have solutions.  Within me I know the answers..."  Just smile, you got this Mama!

Nicholl McGuire 

Denial About Abusing You and the Children - Emotional and Physical Abuse

They lie, those abusers (smh).  They swear up and down they love their families and they will do anything for them.  Well if that is so, why the impatience, frustration, anger outbursts, and attitude on a daily or weekly basis when questioned about disrespectful behaviors, asked to help with a task or meet the needs of a child, or other seemingly harmless requests?  Why do abusers say that threatening behavior never happened, that curse words were never exchanged, that one never, couldn't have, wouldn't have...ego is all-too-important it suffocates truth.

1.  Abusers are selfish.  They always look out for self first!
2.  Abusers lie, deny and cover-up their mean-spirited deeds.
3.  Abusers pretend to be faithful to God, claim to be good men/women, upstanding citizens, etc.
4.  Abusers are actors who know how to play the friendly and honest gentleman or woman when called upon or feel they might be exposed.
5.  Abusers believe they are smarter than most people.  That's why they don't believe they will ever get caught in their mischief.
6.  Abusers have either watched others be abused or been abused by a relative, family friend or stranger(s) so they feel totally comfortable with hurting other people.
7.  Abusers come in any shape, size, color, with any educational background, or economic status.  Stop convincing yourself, "Well he/she doesn't look like an abuser."
8.  Abusers will put children up to lying, covering up, hurting others, etc. when it suits them.
9.  Abusers have triggers, personality disorders, and other issues that require professional help.
10.  Abusers are exposed by God.  The demons within and around can't stand the Creator or the people who acknowledge Him.

These in-laws and buddies just don't know their abusive loved ones very well or do they?  Maybe they are in on the denial.  "My dear son would never raise a hand to you!"  Well, he did.  "My dear daughter is a freedom fighter for lesbians, she would never..." But she did.  Some of you have been in your marriages and partnerships long enough to know differently.  But it's your secret, safe with me.  We know better!

Abusive men and women who pride themselves on controlling others while falsely believing they never do wrong, will not admit to abuse unless there is a plea bargain after they have murdered someone.  During interrogation he or she will say, "I don't know...I wasn't there...I wasn't aware...I never...I love my partner too much..."  Don't believe it!  Please, don't believe it.  The abuse got a slow start in the early days exposing one's own controlling ways.  Back then, he or she was better at covering up one's fragilities, but as they and their relationships get older not so much  No one knew one could be capable of such things--not even the victim until abusive episodes happened!

Curse words flying out of one's mouth for seemingly small things is usually a sign there is more ahead.  Those curse words directed at everyone else other than you is a start.  You riding in the car or walking along side your partner during the early dating phase didn't think much of his or her negative attitude.  Then it was the anger that showed up soon after visiting family and friends and you asked, "What's wrong?" The response, "Nothing.  I'm okay..."  One child, two children, three or more later, the anger intensified didn't it?  Yelling, slamming things, shutting down...Mom was simply too busy to be bothered with that crazy man in the next room.  You see, you saw something like this when you were growing up.  It wasn't always so nice at home, now was it?  So it all comes back around full circle.  Now you understand why your abused loved one was very cautious when dealing with her crazy spouse and/or kin.

The abusive partner denies feelings, suppresses offenses, and then one day explodes!  In the early days you were shocked, but not anymore.  In the early days you dismissed what you saw, but not anymore.  He or she is crazy--something is wrong!  Some of you Moms requested or maybe even demanded couples counseling, anger management or substance addiction help but to no avail.  Not quite ready to leave yet, you scratch your head thinking, "What can I do?"  It's not your battle, the abuser is angry--even the bible warns to stay away from an angry man or woman.

Emotional abuse signs include: name-calling, put-downs, crass humor, silent treatment, ignoring, gas-lighting, denial, etc.  Physical abuse signs include: throwing things, punching, hitting, kicking, spitting, choking, etc.  The writing is on the wall along with the last time a partner threw or punched something, are you seeing the signs?  Get out while there is still time!

Nicholl McGuire is an author and inspirational speaker.  She recorded this message here on YouTube: Power and Control Wheel Safety Plan and Spiritual Uplift.