I watched a woman tell everything but the truth in a video one day when it came to her health woes. She talked of times she wanted to kill herself and other deeply troubling things, but what she didn't reference were those moments where she quite honestly didn't like or want to be around her family and friends. The interviewer waited for the poor woman to say more since it was obvious she wanted to "go there," but she didn't. It could have been a pivotal moment, but it was lost. She could have told her truth and then shared with mothers how she overcame her dark feelings. Instead, the pain was the focal point and then on to another topic of conversation.
For many mothers, they have been "there." Conversing with someone about everything that is wrong with them, some moms avoided talking about difficult partners, rebellious children, stressful jobs, and irritating friends. "I feel...I did....I have...I worry..." but never do you hear things like: "I was beyond my wits end when my children did...I could have hurt my husband about...I knew my mother-in-law was so wrong when she said...I really wish that they had never did...it made me feel like..."
I personally think that our world has us fearful of saying anything that sounds even a little bit like blame. Something could have happened to you when you were three years old, but you don't hold parents accountable because you don't want to "blame" anyone. You might have been in your 20s or 30s when repressed memories came back to teach you, yet you refrain from telling motivational stories to others in the way they really happened, because you don't want to "blame" someone or a group. Instead, what happens is you or someone you might know prefers to carry burdens. There is no release. Everything is about "I" but never about "He or She."
A mother with much going on in her life isn't always going to like her family and friends. Even if she never breathes one negative word about them, you can hear her frustration in the tone of her voice when speaking to them, see eye rolls and hear deep sighs when you mention them. It is obvious she isn't happy especially when she goes from being a size 8 to a size 20 in less than two years. The mother might blame this or that on poor eating and not exercising, but the underlying issues/root causes she doesn't want to explore.
"We are fine, honestly. I just get mad sometimes. I really don't think it is a big deal. I stress. It's my issue. I can't blame my family..." the mother attempts to digress. But what if they are the source of all the drama? "No, it's me," she insists. Maybe for some women they are the problem in their families, but there are countless women who want nothing but the best for their spouses and children and they honestly aren't the ones flipping tables, yelling, bad-mouthing, acting crazy, or shopping like a maniac. Yet, if one is living in dysfunction long enough with troublesome family members and conversing with toxic friends, she will act as if she is at fault since she permits her inner circle to control her.
There are just some people and things in this world you just can't manage--even if they came from your body. It is okay to say, "I don't like the person who keeps causing friction...I really don't like talking to my negative girlfriend...I don't like her personality...I don't like my spoiled kids...I really don't like my spouse today." Rather than deny, avoid or misdirect your pain just admit it and then think of those things you do like about the people in your life. If you can't at this time, maybe there are some serious changes that need to be made within your power. Think about what would make you most happy.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of
Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and
other books.
