It's Never Good Enough...Mom Wants Everything to Be Perfect

From what she has selected for her loved ones to what she will be serving during the holidays, mom wants everything to be perfect!  Described as organized, clean, practical, smart, and whatever nice name someone uses to describe the mother, she knows she has to live up to what they say or else experience ridicule.  Well, if this describes you, relax Mom, everything won't be perfect not when flawed human beings are involved!  You have done and will do your best and if anyone says anything, use your platform to speak truth, give them a life lesson they will never forget!


Holidays can be what you make them or choose not to make them.  The older I get, the more I realize that tradition seriously is not that important, so I don't make them anymore.  But what is significant is love any ole' time of the year!  Can anyone feel the love when they are in a "I have to do everything right" kind of mom's presence or is the energy surrounding her being fueled by nothing more than a checklist, a routine, a requirement, or her own personal fantasy with characters to help her live it out?


The invites, personal stories and frustrations, gifts, decorations, and more that come with family traditions can be overwhelming.  All "the stuff" will stifle loved ones from truly experiencing the love that is supposed to flow when in the presence of family and good friends.  Yet, what usually happens is an undercurrent of negativity.  Someone doesn't like one thing or another, someone else feels rejected, young children cry, while older ones sigh and moan, and others who should know better) have their share of "issues."  Everyone expects someone to do something for them from help with meal preparation to cleaning up afterward while bank accounts are getting dangerously close to over-drafting and credit cards have long been declined.


"All the money I spent...the nerve of these kids...and he wonders why I told him I want a divorce...I can't stand his people and I really hate it when...!  I wish people would help me...I did this, then I did that!  Oh, they are so lazy!"


When does mom awake from what others told her she is supposed to be?  When does she stop living someone else's dream and make life easier on herself and her finances?  She is hosting, planning, creating, designing, organizing, buying, decorating, and doing other things for...?  How does her partner and children really feel about all of her involvement in this thing and that one, does she even care how they feel while she craves for the attention and the flattering statements like, "You are such a good mom!"?


Tis' the season, when mothers cry.


Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on a variety of issues, here.   

The African American Breastfeeding Project - mini doc

Mother-in-Law: A Woman with a Need for Attention, Control and The World to Center Around Her

She was a woman that didn't mind hosting events at her suburban home, because she could show off her neatly decorated and very eye-catching living-room to guests while bragging about her spacious kitchen with many cabinets.  She directed her guests to a beautifully arranged, long dining room table with shiny place settings and decorative, comfy chairs to match.  She enjoyed her company immensely, just so long as they abided by her rules and flattered her.


Her rules were simple:  she didn't want you in certain drawers or using her appliances without asking, you were to clean your hands before touching anything edible, and be respectful of those around you. If she asked you to do something, be prepared to do it preferably with a smile on your face.  As you learned more about her, there were unspoken rules as well, things you just knew not to talk to her about such as your opinion about her children for starters.


Her eldest son, knew his mother all too well, he ignored her flippant remarks if she was offended by someone or something.  His nonchalant, stubborn attitude was always a thorn in her side.  She would have preferred he too just went along with "the program" in front of guests, but this didn't always happen.  Secretly, she didn't like her son much for he reminded her of "that man" she was once married to.  A man who had been robbed of a relationship with his son, thanks to her controlling ways! 


A mother-in-law with a lot of mouth and a whole lot of act to match, she considered herself peaceful, religious, content with life, but she had her share of issues with her current husband.  He too knew her very well.  He took a violent beating from her once.  In the past, the husband described his wife as beautiful, nice and great to be around that is until she reached her menopausal years.


This woman, who had felt she could advise many on how to achieve life goals, save marriages, and direct people toward paths that would best suit them, had many skeletons in her closet.  Her personal life, really didn't look as neat and clean as her lovely home.  Secretly, she felt miserable within quite often.  She had questioned herself many times, "What did I do with my life?  Where did I go wrong? "  She had wished to be in love, but she ruined that by choosing a man she didn't really love or like to be her lifelong mate; rather she loved his finances more.  She wanted to travel but anxiety, fear, worry, and not much money kept her close to home.  Charity work was never fulfilling just something to do to keep the woman somewhat busy.  She also wished to genuinely enjoy the company of others--something she had a hard time doing since she was far too distracted observing their flaws and forming personal judgments against them.


I was a witness to the mother-in-law's manipulative strategies.  She kept her adult sons little boys while controlling them and others.  I noticed how often she was involved in their lives whether verbally or physically, and how she convinced them that part of being a close family was to talk to her everyday.  When she spoke to her sons, she volunteered all sorts of personal information so that she could find out about her sons' lives, their wives, children, and what they were doing or not doing.  She often had something to say that strategically made her sons see things her way.  She didn't like when they got ugly with her, but she took the verbal abuse sometimes, because ultimately she knew she would get her way sooner or later.  Unfortunately, her persuasive arguments, so-called Christian counseling, and other things she did in her effort to control them, typically back-fired.  While she thought she was winning her little boys, turned men, to her she was really pushing them away usually into the bed of yet another woman.  Eventually, they would see that they had been played once again by mom.  But hurt feelings die and before long, her spiritually-broken sons would be back to opening up to poor mom with the fragile heart, forgetful mind, and charming, yet deceptive spirit.


The wives were all-too-willing to appease their mother-in-law, at least in the beginning of their dating and marriage partnerships, but it wouldn't be long before she would offend them with her controlling remarks and sneaky behaviors.  The women would become distant from their mother-in-law, and that is when mom would work her magic on her sons yet again.  Pointing out the women's flaws and comparing herself to them, the mother-in-law would work on building a case that would make the men not like/love their wives so much.  The so-called words of comfort when husbands and wives didn't see eye-to-eye was really her way of chipping away at their marriages.  She knew how to play the insecure and jealous type of young ladies, she had seen her sons bring this type home to her far too many times.  The mother-in-law knew what she had created for sons.  This is why it was no surprise to her when they broke up with their women.


This mother-in-law, with a self-hate for her own ethnicity, had ran into the arms of many who didn't have her look--an appearance she didn't like much.  She felt comfort with a group she often praised, that is until they said or did something to remind her of her culture.  She would find some relief with her own people until they too, would say something that reminded her of the things she hated about her people.


Holiday celebrations were her playground, she enjoyed the role she played, "Mother-in-law" the name sounded powerful.  She was going to be sure that she lived up to the role.  She didn't want to be viewed as mean, ugly, or evil toward daughter-in-laws, at least not this time, but her attempt at controlling them was more than enough to keep her family cautious and others distant from her.


Nicholl McGuire

Parents: The Danger of Not Making Children Listen to You

They run through parking lots, pull down things from shelves, interrupt adults in heated battles, make loud noises in quiet settings, climb on things they are not supposed to, or try to eat stuff not meant to be put up to mouths, children should listen to people who try to keep them safe.


"Don't touch that...stay away from there...where is the parent?  Who is responsible for this child?"


Yet, the rebellious adult, who once didn't like listening to his or her own parents/guardians and grandparents, doesn't want to rob a child of a learning experience or fights hard not to be as strict as those he or she knew growing up, will not make children listen much.  Usually when this parent wants children to listen is when it is convenient for him or her, but not so much for others.  Men and women, who are in relationships with a rebellious parent type unfortunately have their share of parenting issues with them.  The nonchalant attitude of a parent, who is easily annoyed with authority figures, orderly people, or even clean individuals, finds rules are so archaic.  They don't like making their children do what they are told.


An angry little boy kicks, screams, and curses, dad doesn't do anything until mom tells the boy to get up.  The spoiled daughter, who has far too many things, isn't required to go to bed at a certain time, can eat what she wants, and doesn't bother to do homework unless she feels like it.  This child can be a source of much drama between parents.  Who is setting an order for the household and making the child follow it?


The danger of not making children listen to parents has caused many children to visit graves prematurely.  These sons and daughters have died, because they repeatedly did some things they might have been admonished about, but there were never any consequences. 


Sometimes parents of deceased children thought risky behaviors of children were cute, fun, and "...wasn't bothering anyone" until a tragic accident took place.  Couples have divorced because a lazy or irresponsible parent was simply uncaring and didn't do much when it came to disciplining children.


The next time when a parent is tempted to turn up his or her nose at someone because that person chose to boldly warn a child not to do something, take heed, because one never knows when death might strike. 


Nicholl McGuire

Teachers with Many Visions and No Money

Agreeing with everything a teacher says or does without any objections, many parents go along with "the educational program" for fear that if they do go against some thing in the classroom or at the school their children might suffer. 


Teachers have many plans, ideas, and thoughts on what to do with those clay pieces called, students that show up everyday to be molded into something new.  Parents observe their creations take on new art forms by the hands of creative teachers; therefore, sons and daughters are never quite the same.


Visions cost:  money, time and energy of which most of us have little.  Therefore, why is it that we feed into the pressure put upon us by children to do what the teacher says?  These teachers don't go home with our children and hear, "...but my teacher said...Santa is real...There was a Grinch who stole Christmas...the elves aren't evil..." and so on. 


The teacher is like a god, she is right, you are wrong!  But everything these educators say and do is not right!  Parents have a right to take a stand against all things inappropriate, wicked, immoral, unrighteous, strange, prejudice, rude, and ignorant!  Sometimes teachers, like parents, are used by children as excuses to get their way or to view things they have no business looking at or experiencing.  Parents would be shocked to see how some of these educators really lived their lives apart from school.  Putting one's faith wholeheartedly in a teacher and his or her vision can be dangerous!


When children come home with far too much paper and instructions from teachers, who work hard to help students while being rewarded periodically for creativity, parents already tired from working for bosses who also have many visions, become overwhelmed.  There is so much to do at home, and even more that requires money. There is always just one more thing a classroom or school needs for someone's bright idea, "Please send XYZ with your child...give them X amount of dollars for...Won't you please donate...?  Could you be available to...?"


The more you give, the more some expect!  Asking for money and contributions for visions should have a limit, but since there are no set rules, as parents, we make them!  Consider how long a school year is and how many years a child will have teachers who want the parents to do this, buy that...etc. while complaining in break rooms about apathy. 


Teachers, as well as parents, could all make their jobs easier if they didn't expect so much from one another.  Can't we teach personal traditions to our own children and real American history as well as our own ethnic history?  Can't we get a discount on field trips and take our children on our time?  How about we arrange to meet with other parents away from the school without a push to join the PTA under the watchful eyes of school leadership?  What about school performances and athletics, is this something that really needs to carry on for weeks when national scores are low at certain schools and there are more than enough online and offline community classes sometimes competing with the schools?  Is it necessary to meet with a teacher at a parent teacher conference on their time when there is an entire school year that one can call, write, email, text, and live chat about a child if a problem should arise--lose the archaic venting/progress report session that is carefully planned anyway based on how knowledgeable a teacher wants to look when seated in front a skeptical parent.  We can go on and on brainstorming about lessening one another's load.


In closing, visions cost money and all the rules, instructions, requirements, and history that goes along with making something happen is great if one is prepared to add more work to his or her title.  The help is not always going to be there just because it sounds like a great idea, so expect it.  For some educational leaders with so-called bright ideas, they would be better off saving the trees--systems that make learning more complicated should be outlawed! 


Some educators need to focus on improving what they already have and be grateful for the time and money they already got, before asking for more!


Nicholl McGuire