How Couples Manage to Stay Together at Least Until their Children's Teen Years

You heard of the many relationships that ended after years of being together.  Upon closer inspection, you noticed that some couples stayed together up until teen or young adult years before separating or divorcing.  For them, the timing was right.  It was as if they planned to end the relationship at what they felt was the right time in their lives.

As children grow older and become more independent, there is no need for miserable couples to stay together.  The focus has been on the children for so long that they don't want to have to care for one another through old age.  Freedom looks good, peace--not having to care for anyone but self.  No disputing, no annoying habits, or ugly ways to put up with, the couple reasons, "It's for the best."

So how did they manage to be together for so long in the first place?

1.  They created separate lives despite living together.

2.  They focused primarily on parenting the children and avoided unnecessary conversation about matters of the heart concerning one another.

3.  They connected with people outside of one another and used these individuals to keep them strong.

4.  They weren't always truthful about how they truly felt about one another so as to keep the peace.

5.  They worked hard not to let the children see or hear everything that was going wrong between them.

6.  They found hobbies, took classes, traveled and did other things so that they didn't have to be around each other much.

Not every relationship is centered on love, many are arranged marriages and partnerships for the sake of the children.  When a troubled couple is not very much interested in one another, like they once were, they learn to cope with one another until the opportune time to be free.  If you are in such a relationship, as long as your safety is not at risk, do what you can to stay positive and be there for the children if you know that leaving is not the best option at this time.  Who knows, maybe love will come alive for you and your partner again.   However, this doesn't come without work, honest feelings, and a desire to create the kind of relationship that stands the test of time.

Nicholl McGuire

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Anxiety Disorders: More Than a Case of the Nerves

When You are Sick Does Anyone Care?

Health issues tend to affect your motherhood role periodically and not everyone in your home is always understanding.  When this happens, you have to think of ways that can bring you the most peace in your situation.  Too often mothers think that it isn't okay to be selfish sometimes (notice I didn't say all the time).  But being selfish has its place and when you feel like your mind, body, or spirit is being challenged beyond belief, you owe it to yourself to stay in that bed a little longer, call off work, cancel the family invite, leave the home, drop the kids off with a sitter, or sit in a corner and do nothing.

There will be the arguments, silent treatment and vengeful tactics used against you when involved with those who have long been selfish before you came along.  They may have grown accustomed to you meeting their every request without objection.  However, times change and things happen in motherhood that we don't always know or understand why.  We can't always control what Mother Nature is going to do.  Consider yourself blessed when you are in a relationship with someone who often does nice things for you.  Some men know how to care for their women.  They bring them food when they are ill, help them out of their beds, buy them needed items, and speak kindly to them.  They are affectionate and will sometimes put their partner's needs above their own.  They are compassionate when wives or girlfriends are mentally or physically challenged.

We live in a world where people aren't always nice, polite, or caring.  When this happens, we have to rely on self.  You know what you can tolerate more than anyone else and it is up to you to speak up about your issues without sparing feelings.  You know how you feel from one day to the next.  You know if this is one of your "go off" days.  It would make sense to want to be left alone.  If you ask for space and don't get it, demand it--take it! 

I think of the many women who have had to move far away in order to find peace from annoying relatives, nonchalant spouses,  controlling exes, demanding children, and more.  They grew weary of being sick and tired of so-called loved ones, they just wanted to be in control of their own lives without someone telling them to do just one more thing or asking them for yet another thing.  These deceased women just wanted to hold an understanding hand. 

Rest in peace moms who never truly got the love and peace you yearned for--may you get what you were looking for in this world on the other side.

Nicholl McGuire 

Tough Love: Sometimes You Have to Look the Other Way

Parenting is a challenge and it seems that it only gets more difficult as your child grows up.  You can't manage them like you once did.  They will speak up, push back, do what they want, and ignore you.  What you are going through with your child isn't anything new, someone somewhere is experiencing the same.  However, despite all that we do to care for them, there will be those times that we will have to look the other way and allow them to make a decision that won't kill them, of course, but will teach them a valuable lesson in life why they (and possible the other parent who likes to fault-find) should listen to us.

Too often parents will coddle their children and in their hovering over them they keep them from uncomfortable feelings like waiting for something they truly want, using critical thinking skills, and learning independence.  They think that this sort of behavior is good parenting, but it is not.  Look at all of the children who have temper tantrums in stores, act rudely toward others, misbehave, and do other things that draw attention to the family.  Sorry, mom and dad you are wrong to give your child everything, to permit him or her to have his or her way, and to fight those who criticize you for it.

Sometimes we have to find ways to decrease some of the issues on the home front and elsewhere by looking the other way when we frequently find that a spouse, grandparent, teacher or someone else is unwilling to work with us.  Johnny wants his favorite toy, so what.  You don't go get it even if you know where it is.  He will cry and complain--what else is new?  Jenny would like for you to give her money for a school event, yet she can't keep her room clean--you don't remember the event.  Dad wants you to manage the children while he does his own thing, too bad for him when they get into his things once again that you asked him to move several times before.  Repeatedly you warn your children to get your homework done, to take a bath, to clean up their messy areas, etc. and the family looks at you like you are the trouble-maker, don't keep talking.  Step over the messes, let them manage their homework, avoid the kitchen, close their bedroom door, even let them stink sometimes.  They need to suffer the consequences sometimes.  Why stress yourself out?  Sooner or later someone will grow weary of something and will do something about it.

Moms can be so good at their jobs that they are no longer appreciated.  You are not a nag, an angry person, disorganized, or inefficient and sometimes because you are not these things, people have a way of taking advantage.  The man doesn't give you a courtesy call when he is out frequently, because he assumes you are okay with it.  No one doesn't really do anything you ask, because they know you won't freak out about it.  The family doesn't bother putting anything back in their place, because they know you will come behind them and clean it up.  Members of your household don't feel the need to remember to do anything, because they know you will remind them. 

Family members who are catered by Mom will grow weary of her.  They will assume she will always do for them, and may even wish for her to go away because she does her job well.  Maybe it might be time to take a break.

Don't be fooled by those who think that love is always nice, sweet and beautiful.  Of course, those who are taking advantage will market love in such a way that benefits them most.  "If you love me mom, you will do...if you love me honey you will..."  the family says.  They don't want to be exposed and they definitely don't want to have to step out of their comfort zones or suffer any consequences.  At times, love must be tough (Check out an old book by author James Dobson)! 

Love doesn't feel good at times (consider when your virginity was broken, when you delivered your baby--I rest my case.)  Men will be men, boys will be boys, and girls will be girls, and you don't have to put up with any of it--take a stand!  There may be chaos before peace, but it will be well worth it if you can do what you know to be right.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight, parenting tips and more here.