Tough Love: Sometimes You Have to Look the Other Way

Parenting is a challenge and it seems that it only gets more difficult as your child grows up.  You can't manage them like you once did.  They will speak up, push back, do what they want, and ignore you.  What you are going through with your child isn't anything new, someone somewhere is experiencing the same.  However, despite all that we do to care for them, there will be those times that we will have to look the other way and allow them to make a decision that won't kill them, of course, but will teach them a valuable lesson in life why they (and possible the other parent who likes to fault-find) should listen to us.

Too often parents will coddle their children and in their hovering over them they keep them from uncomfortable feelings like waiting for something they truly want, using critical thinking skills, and learning independence.  They think that this sort of behavior is good parenting, but it is not.  Look at all of the children who have temper tantrums in stores, act rudely toward others, misbehave, and do other things that draw attention to the family.  Sorry, mom and dad you are wrong to give your child everything, to permit him or her to have his or her way, and to fight those who criticize you for it.

Sometimes we have to find ways to decrease some of the issues on the home front and elsewhere by looking the other way when we frequently find that a spouse, grandparent, teacher or someone else is unwilling to work with us.  Johnny wants his favorite toy, so what.  You don't go get it even if you know where it is.  He will cry and complain--what else is new?  Jenny would like for you to give her money for a school event, yet she can't keep her room clean--you don't remember the event.  Dad wants you to manage the children while he does his own thing, too bad for him when they get into his things once again that you asked him to move several times before.  Repeatedly you warn your children to get your homework done, to take a bath, to clean up their messy areas, etc. and the family looks at you like you are the trouble-maker, don't keep talking.  Step over the messes, let them manage their homework, avoid the kitchen, close their bedroom door, even let them stink sometimes.  They need to suffer the consequences sometimes.  Why stress yourself out?  Sooner or later someone will grow weary of something and will do something about it.

Moms can be so good at their jobs that they are no longer appreciated.  You are not a nag, an angry person, disorganized, or inefficient and sometimes because you are not these things, people have a way of taking advantage.  The man doesn't give you a courtesy call when he is out frequently, because he assumes you are okay with it.  No one doesn't really do anything you ask, because they know you won't freak out about it.  The family doesn't bother putting anything back in their place, because they know you will come behind them and clean it up.  Members of your household don't feel the need to remember to do anything, because they know you will remind them. 

Family members who are catered by Mom will grow weary of her.  They will assume she will always do for them, and may even wish for her to go away because she does her job well.  Maybe it might be time to take a break.

Don't be fooled by those who think that love is always nice, sweet and beautiful.  Of course, those who are taking advantage will market love in such a way that benefits them most.  "If you love me mom, you will do...if you love me honey you will..."  the family says.  They don't want to be exposed and they definitely don't want to have to step out of their comfort zones or suffer any consequences.  At times, love must be tough (Check out an old book by author James Dobson)! 

Love doesn't feel good at times (consider when your virginity was broken, when you delivered your baby--I rest my case.)  Men will be men, boys will be boys, and girls will be girls, and you don't have to put up with any of it--take a stand!  There may be chaos before peace, but it will be well worth it if you can do what you know to be right.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight, parenting tips and more here.

It's Okay Not to Want Your Children Around

You are often upset, life is becoming increasingly stressful.  The children are getting on your last nerve.  SO you think to yourself, "Who is available to watch them?  When is school starting back up?  Where is the local childcare facility?  Who might be a good babysitter?"

Don't let others, who are obviously just as stressed as you, talk you out of seeking help for your children.  Think of the many mothers who tried to play Super Mom end up snapping and causing much mental and physical harm to children or worse murdering them!

How do you know when enough is enough and you seriously need help with children?

1.  Frequent arguments with spouse about the children.

2.  Children becoming more difficult to manage.

3.  Crying outbursts over the littlest of things that happen even when you are not on your period.

4.  Frequent screaming matches with yourself, the children and anyone else around.

5.  Throwing things.

6.  An increase of cursing.

7.  Pushing, shoving, biting or any other temper tantrum that a child would typically do, yet you find yourself doing these things.

Share your concerns with others who have children, but avoid those who are self-righteous and don't believe they have any family challenges.  Seek out services in your community that offer childcare services, extracurricular activties for children, and family related events.  The more you keep having to tell yourself, "I'm alright" know that this is a clear indication you need some help.

The end result if you should continue on a highly stressful path with children in tote is:

1.  A marriage or relationship comes to an end.

2.  Illnesses increase.

3.  Costly bills mount.

4.  Family drama worsens.

5.  Friendships end because you are not a good person to talk to.

6.  Your relationship with your children worsens, because they often see a stressed out Mom rather than a loving and kind one.

Keep this in mind, you are not less than a mother, stepmother, or caretaker, because you don't want your children around you during stressful times in your life.  Avoid hiding your feelings from those who can obviously see you are stressed out.  Don't lie or cover up your moodiness, impatience, and irritability with your children so that appears like you have everything under control.  Most of all, don't take your negative attitude out on your spouse.  He or she just might be dealing with many issues as well and the last thing your loved one wants is to be emotionally or physically abused because you can't manage your stress.  If your partner is preventing you from getting help, then leave the children with him or her as much as possible.  Take as much time away as you need (even if you have to steal it) without feelings of guilt.  Explain to your partner, "I really need some time away...and if you can't do your part to help out, I'm not sure what the outcome might be in the future, but I don't anticipate it being a good one."  Sometimes this is what it takes for people to be more understanding--a serious wake up call!

Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry and other books.

The New "Women's Issues" according to a Conservative Women's Network Speaker

Personal Message from When Mothers Cry Blog Creator - On Living Your Best in Whatever Situation You Are In

Daily I have to choose to be happy.  That's right I said choose, because I am always given the option to be sad/angry/depressed if I don't focus on contentment.  Life has never been easy for me!  This is why many of my writings, books and recordings deal with problems because I have seen more than my fair share. 

I began my menstrual cycle at nine years of age and it came with all the typical women's symptoms (bloating, cramping, bad acne, mood swings, hot flashes, etc.)  As I grew older, the menstrual related headaches, backaches, stomachaches, and leg aches had only worsened.  By the time I had children, the various bodily issues had decreased, but the psychological issues elevated.  So when women talk of their personal issues, I understand completely!  It isn't enough to go through PMS, PMDD, Menopause, Man Drama, but you have children and a job as well.  However, despite our issues, we can still choose everyday to make or break whatever is in front of us.  In the best interest of myself, I knew I had to put me first in every situation.  It may sound nice to put everyone else first, but you can't be good to anyone else if you are unhappy while doing this.

Rash decisions, irresponsible partners, ignorant relatives, crazy neighbors, unruly children, and idiot bosses will drive any sane woman insane.  The mind and body can only take but so much before it starts turning on you.  The body complains, "You are supposed to be taking care of me--what are you doing?  Okay, well since you don't care anymore, neither do I!"  The weight increases and so does the pain.  The mind says, "Look what you have done!  Now we can't get anything done!  Didn't I warn you a long time ago don't add to your troubles!"   

I recall in the Bible where believers are instructed to cast their burdens on to God.  So I took him up on it as a young girl and even now I still do.  "You told me to cast my burdens on to you well I have this one...and this one...oh and what about this one?"  Don't get the Creator of the Universe involved in your affairs if you aren't ready to let go of them.  He will make life easier for you, but you have to be willing to let go and let God even if you don't agree with the outcome. 

I will be the first to admit that I know I can't do it all in my own strength.  Those that know me will tell you, "She has a relationship with God..."  Why?  Because to live in this world with so much negativity impacting you on a daily basis, you have to find your strength from somewhere!  Negative people, places and things will bring the so-called strongest woman down eventually especially if she invites much foolishness into her life from partner, relatives, friends, co-workers, church associates, and others.

In order to deal with one's issues, there are those who choose legal or illegal drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, shopping, and food for comfort.  The only thing that has really worked for me over the years is my faith that is why I don't mind sharing it with others who sincerely want to know more.

I find that when I am faced with a challenge, I look for the most beneficial options/solutions/tools to deal with it.  If there are none readily available, I know that I have a Creator who will make a way even if it means delegating responsibilities while the watchful eyes of critics are all-too-ready to find fault with me.  I could care less, I have a life to live and I intend to live it!  Sometimes we waste far too much time explaining why we do what we do to people who don't care anyway especially jealous individuals (sigh). 

Years ago, when I dealt with a divorce, misbehaving children, and lack of income, I had to figure out a plan of survival.  I knew that if I didn't do something quick, family would be grieving a daughter, a mother, and a wife.  There were times that I felt as if the world was coming down on me and that there was no way out!  It seemed the louder I screamed, the more people wouldn't listen.  So what do you do?  You find a way out if you can't take it anymore!  Some would say, "Don't run, just keep fighting."  That sort of advice is no good, when you have made up your mind you are done with fighting besides are any of your advisers willing to help you fight your battle(s)?  There comes a point when you have to be quiet, keep your business to yourself, and move on.  My fight with foolish people is finished.  I bow out gracefully.  I am letting God do the avenging.

Whatever situation you are in this day, realize there are powers beyond our comprehension at work for good and for evil.  You can either be a part of the problem or the solution.  Know that as with all things, this too shall pass (read the Holy Bible for some wisdom).

Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry and other books.

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