When The Problem Isn't the Parent...

Those times will happen when you just can't seem to understand why your child consistently gets in trouble over some issue, has frequent accidents, and seems to have a problem with certain members in his or her class.  Now I'm not that naive parent who believes my children are angels all of the time.  I do realize that they will have their bad days.  But sometimes, it isn't their fault.  As a parent, you have to go through a process of elimination in order to get down to the root cause of frequent abnormal behaviors.

When your child is suddenly getting into trouble, consider what is going on at home, but also think about what might be happening in school.  Interview your children on what is going on at school.  Question the daily routine they follow and ask about new rules and programs.  Find out where they are seated in the classroom.  Learn names of friends and listen intently when they complain about certain students.  Make time to talk with your child's teacher, school nurse (if necessary) and/or principal.

I had an issue not that long ago where a little girl was upset with my son because he proved her wrong about an issue.  She believed that boys couldn't sing, so he sang a song and made her look silly.  Rather than just take it like a girl--lol, she hit him.  Well needless to say, she got her sassy self in trouble.  I later found out that my son was seated at a table with all girls and apparently she didn't want him to be there.  Unfortunately, this new seating arrangement made him a target because he was the odd ball at the table.  The teacher simply adjusted the seating and put him at a table that is more balanced between girls and boys, problem solved.

Another issue occurred when he repeatedly came home with wet trousers, when I inquired about this.  I found out that the bathroom was usually left in bad condition.  Therefore, he didn't feel comfortable going inside, he rather wet himself.  With a little spruce up, the bathroom was inviting; therefore my son has been utilizing the bathroom ever since.

Sometimes we can take on too many issues as parents and say, "Well if I would do this more...maybe if I would try this..."  We have to realize that it isn't always about us and it isn't always about the teacher either.  At times, problems with our children can stem from a new way of doing things in the school, a new teacher, classmate, or atmosphere.  Look at everything that might be causing problems with your child before putting unnecessary burdens on yourself!

Nicholl McGuire

Motherhood Peaks and Valleys: What are yours?

There are the perceptions that others have of the kind of mother you are, who you should be, or the mother you once were.  Others' ideas influence the way we view ourselves.  Whether we receive positive or negative reviews from so-called well-meaning family and friends, we try to do the things that not only help our reputation as mothers, but also appease others.  When we find ourselves more concerned about what other people think; rather than what our Creator thinks, we get ourselves into trouble!  Physical issues surface, mental anguish is experienced and those around us are negatively impacted ie.) anger outbursts and forgetfulness.  These moments are considered our valleys--down moments.  The places in our motherhood journey where we feel at an all-time low. 

Our culture tends to esteem mothers, make them feel as if the weight of the world is upon their shoulders, because we are supposed to be so strong, wise, and loving.  Mother is to talk, walk and act in a certain way when it comes to parenting.  In some circles, she isn't provided with real support despite an individual or group claiming to support her.  Sometimes she is in a valley moment all by herself!  Her own mother doesn't have a good listening ear, because she is most likely in a valley moment by herself--sometimes comparing her own experiences to her daughters.  Too overwhelmed, nervous, or fearful to offer any sound advice, these older mothers don't have much to share when it comes to stories of victory. In addition, there is the partner or best friend who is often busy doing other things to even notice that mom is struggling these days with being a parent.

Valley moments happen, but in order to overcome them you must constantly remind yourself, "This too shall pass," as mentioned in the Holy Bible.  Redirect your focus and come up higher.  Find the path that will lead you out of your valley moment.  Stay in the valley too long and the storms of life might overtake you!  A mother is no good to her family in a hospital bed!  Once we arrive at those mountain peaks (up moments) in our motherhood journey, it is time to break for rest.  Some of us, don't allow ourselves to do that and so back down the valley we go.  Angry, hurt, confused, bitter, jealous, or some other emotion we experience, because other mothers "appear" like they are doing much better than us.  We deceive ourselves into thinking that we have had enough quiet time or peace after a valley moment.  Some of us prematurely arrive to a peak, then end up falling back down into the valley.

Appreciate those "up" moments when no one is calling to go out, no one is in need of you, and no one is interrupting you while going here and there with unnecessary chatter.  The world has tricked us into believing that a busy mother is a blessed one; rather a busy mother is a stressed one!  She is usually juggling too many things!  She may have a bank account filled with money and friends on speed dial, but is this really what reaching the top of one's motherhood journey really supposed to look like?  That is the world's definition of success which doesn't help us after this life is over. 

God blesses us with peaks in our motherhood journey that release us of our burdens not add to them.  Sometimes we confuse what we initiate when it comes to career, family, events and more with God's plan.  He doesn't tell us to be all we can be to everyone--to busy ourselves every part of the day.  God doesn't put anymore on us than we can bear!  To truly experience those peaks in one's motherhood journey, she must sit back, relax and tune into God.  Ask what might you need to do to experience more mountain peaks and less valley moments.

Reflect on those valleys God brought you out of, you know those times when you thought you were going to run away from the children, but didn't.  Those moments when you thought you were a bad parent, but you knew you really weren't.  You came up higher, didn't you?  Some of you have dropped some of those people and activities in your lives that were leaving you frazzled, frequently upset, and burdened financially, now you are enjoying many more positive moments in motherhood. 

Appreciate your peaks and valleys, moms!  Learn from them, then help a mother who may be struggling to walk with her head held high.

Nicholl McGuire

Check Yourself, Before You Wreck Yourself!

Back when I was a teen, there was a rapper I heard say, "Check yourself, before you wreck yourself."  The comment was a warning to those who were into drug use.  But these days, I thought about this comment when it comes to that chatter in our heads.  You know those negative thoughts that come and go throughout the day?

From a minor irritation to a major dispute with someone, inside our minds there is something going on that isn't always so positive.  We may replay an issue, talk about what we should have, could have said, or we make a mental note to share our concern with others (being certain to include why we were right and the other person was wrong.)

Sometimes it doesn't have to be a negative situation that stimulates negative thinking in our minds.  We could actually just be in some other world, so to speak, due to hormonal issues or influences around us that trigger certain emotions ie.) watching TV, listening to music or surfing the Internet.

Whatever our thought processes for the day might conjure up, we may want to check them, before we end up doing or saying something that might hurt someone we care about.

I came across an interesting blog by a stay-at-home mother of two who posted a thought-provoking entry about that chatter in our heads and offers her own personal experience.

Read more here.

6 Things that Most Parents Go Through When it Comes to Children...

Sometimes we are battling with so many things at home that we forget the difference between normal and abnormal.  I can tell you, from personal experience, some things that are normal parenting stuff. 

1.  Children will irritate you and there will be those moments where you feel like you are going to lose it.  What's normal is yelling, putting Johnny in his room or in a corner is also typical, and even spanking is common in many circles.  Some parents will feed "the problem" hoping that Suzie will shut up.  Other parents will buy whatever whenever hoping that the child will calm down enough so that they can catch a breath.  However, doing any of these things and others all the time--uh oh, you better hope you aren't creating a menace and worse no one calls the police on you!

2.  Sickness can't be avoided and some children are sicker than most.  But running your child to the hospital often?  Not normal.  You have to ask yourself, "Am I doing my job?  Is the hospital staff doing theirs?"

3.  Energetic children is all too common.  They jump, bounce, yell, make weird noises, have imaginary friends, and want to do odd stuff like smell stuff and dig for things.  Okay, acceptable.  But when these things are always happening all too frequently.  Someone is out of control.  It's either you, your child or both.

4.  Children lie.  I know parents don't want to believe it, but it happens.  They may lie or maybe forget.  Children may also say something, but leave out the details.  All normal.  But when they are doing this sort of thing all the time, you have to ask, "Who or what are they covering?"  Then again maybe there is some mental things going on, like a brain that is still developing for starters.  Watch closely and don't ever take every word as truth, if so, you will be sorry.

5.  Accidents.  From drink spills to pee-pee in the bed, this kind of stuff when it comes to raising children happens.  But, if everytime you look up this is going on, it's time to remedy this behavior as best you can.  Buy a Wet-Alert, this is a device that helps you help them keep the urine out of the bed over time.  If your child is constantly spilling something, don't give he or she much to drink and get a spill-free cup.  You might also want to consider where you are leaving your own drinks too.  Now let's say, accidents aren't this simple and they are the kind that you're ready to rip your child a new one!  Once again, responsibility falls on you.  The law doesn't want to hear how you repeatedly told your child not to play with lighters, even though you left your lighter sitting on the table, and the whole house burned down!

6.  They say and do things that would make you go, "What!?"  You aren't really a parent if those moments don't happen sometimes.  I know you thought you knew your son or daughter well.  I know you thought he or she would never, "Oh no, my child comes from a good home, she would never..."  But, they will and it won't be the only time either if you don't make a lasting memory that says, "If you ever do that $%^#& stuff again, I will %^$#& you!  Capice?"  Remember you were once a child, you may have not done the same thing, but you did something that left your parents scratching their heads.

So I hope this blog post makes you feel at ease.  Your child is normal.  But, if you see a pattern of behavior starting to develop, that doesn't look like the rest of the children, you have to ask yourself, "What did I bring into this world?  Now what help do they have out here to help my child?"  Don't look the other way or ignore the problem, do something now before the whole world knows, "Something is definitely wrong with that kid."

Nicholl McGuire
Author When Mothers Cry

Do You Consider Yourself to Be a Good Stepmom?

Some mothers just don't know what they are getting themselves into when they remarry someone else who also has children.  Most stepmoms really try hard to be the best they can in their roles, while others are ready to jump ship.  One woman who gave her stepmom a hard time, writes about how what she thought was a wicked stepmother turned out not to be after all.  Read more here.