Happy New Year. I seldom make New Year’s resolutions anymore (no more than
once a year!) but this year I made one and I’m determined to follow
through. It’...
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Thursday
When Fathers Aren't Ready to be Daddys
While we were struggling with the idea of being a new mother, they were trying to make sense of how was it that one night with us would slow down their lives for at least the next 18 years too! They had plans just like we did. He wanted to go places, dine and wine, enjoy a life of luxury, come and go as he pleased, sleep in as late as he wanted, but then the news came. While we talk ourselves into this idea of being a mother, there are fathers who are and have talked themselves out of being a father. To think that a child will need to be diapered, fed, rocked to sleep, entertained, carried, groomed, walked, taken to the doctor and so much more is too hard for some men to accept! They lose sleep, an appetite, a passion for sex, and a general interest in the mother of their child just from thinking about all that is forthcoming. “Why me,” some fathers will ask. Others say, “Another expense…” They didn’t want to be fathers no more than some of us wanted to be mothers. They, like us, had a choice, but there issue is a little bit more complex than ours. Let’s say he finds out that his girlfriend is pregnant and he does want his child, but she rather aborts him or her. He has no control over his girlfriend’s body to make her not have the baby; therefore, he can’t stop her from getting an abortion if she is determined to do so. However, there are many more stories where men don’t want their children and the mothers do want them. When this happens, he usually becomes distant and eventually absent out of the expectant mother’s life before the baby is born. So there she is a new mother with no support mentally, financially or physically from the man she wants loved. Now she has to raise a son or daughter who will never know their father. The reality that daddy isn’t around nor does he care, makes mothers cry and eventually they stop crying and become bitter vowing that they will never love another man like they did the father of their child again.
There are those men who don’t leave the mothers of their children, but they give everyone in the family a hard time because they feel obligated to stay. He is caught in between being a player and being a father. He wants to be at home, but he also wants to be out in the street. He enjoys watching his children grow up, but he doesn’t want to clean up. Men like this, contribute to a mother’s cry on a daily basis. They have mood swings that come and go often. While sitting in front of the television watching the game, the baby cries, while mother is in the kitchen cooking and he is aggravated because she won’t go to the baby and make him or her stop crying. The family is preparing to go to an event and he grooms himself first never offering to help his wife get the children ready. Sometimes he rarely goes out with his family. His excuse, “It’s just easier if I go alone.” Sometimes it is better to get the shopping done without everyone, but fathers who rarely find the time to go out anywhere with their family have their priorities in the wrong place. How about it’s just easier to attract women when you are all alone than when you have a woman and two children in tote? Now all fathers are not like these examples, but there are many mothers who are crying because of them.
Written by Nicholl McGuire, For parenting tips and other useful information about babies and children Click Here!
Postpartum Blues: One Mother Shares Her Story
After delivering my last son of four, I am taken to a hospital room floor for women recovering from C-sections followed by postpartum blues. I had my share of the blues! The night before it was time for me to go home, I cried. I had an ache that crawled inside of me and sat in the pit of my stomach. Suddenly, I became afraid, I didn’t want to go home I told my nurse. She asked me, “Why?” She had a look on her face as if she was preparing herself for me to say that I had an abusive partner at home, was unable to financially care for the child, or relatives who didn’t care. Instead, I told her I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t know what to expect. My partner didn’t seem happy about being a father for the second time and I was unsure about him being very helpful to me. I had no family or friends that would be coming over. Then I cried. I cried harder about going home more than I ever did about staying in the hospital.
She was sympathetic. She had shared a story with me of her own relationship drama. She didn’t like going home herself, because she was alone. Her mate had been away for months now on “business” and she didn’t know when he would be returning. She had offered to pray for me and then just like that she was gone. I wanted her to stay longer, and tell me more about this partner who had been gone for so long on “business,” but I didn’t dare ask any more questions that would have kept her with me any longer, since there were plenty more women on that floor who probably had even worse issues. I guess the idea of being a mother for a fourth time, my partner’s “true” reaction to it and my being so far away from home (I live 3,000 miles away from everyone I know), brought those ugly blues out into the open.
The next day my boyfriend showed up with flowers (I had asked for,) so that I could give them out to the hospital staff that helped me. Surprisingly, there were a few in the bunch he had picked up for me that I hadn‘t requested. I say “surprisingly” because when he came to see me in the hospital the night before, I was irritable due to our oldest child being fretful, loud and his father not being able to control him. I was in pain and just couldn’t handle the temper tantrums, I’m sure you could understand if you are a mother, so I was tearful, I wanted him and my noisy child to go home. He brought none of his family to help him with our child or maybe none was available. Whatever the case, I had recently given birth and I was sick and tired of being tired.
You may have had emotional lows too and all you wanted was for your partner to be understanding, but no matter what you said or did, he still didn’t act a little bit interested. Babies change relationships. I haven’t seen one where things got better as a result of having a baby. Men “act different” when their lovers become mothers. He never sees you the same way, for some men they may fall in love harder, but for many they are looking for the next woman who they didn’t have children with to compliment, encourage, entertain, feed and ultimately have sex with them, simply because she doesn’t have those “issues” that motherhood brings. The new woman has never said and did anything that offended him, but he has a history with the old one. A history of watching her vomit because the baby has upset her stomach, being a victim of her occasional mood swings, and seeing her body go through undesirable changes.
Having children brings out the best and worst of anyone. They tap on emotions you didn’t think you had. They cause you to reach new levels of love, compassion, anger, sadness and any other feeling inside you may not have ever experienced. Whether you are a stay-at-home mother, working or retired mother you can relate.
My one week of emotional highs and lows came and went. With each passing day, I became stronger mentally and physically. The baby’s cries would trigger a negative reaction within me, but I didn’t dwell in the negativity, I just answered his demands and did what needed to be done. I was too busy to think about whether I was happy or sad about my newborn. For over a month, the baby needed something every two hours each day and night. There were times when dad was a help and there were times where I might as well been alone.
I couldn’t recall when was the last time I cried about anything related to the baby. My newborn did enough crying for the both of us as he grew older. Instead, my tears behind closed doors were for his dad...
To read more about Ms. McGuire's ordeal, get her book entitled When Mothers Cry available on Amazon.com.
Written by Nicholl McGuire for more writings by this writer visit Click Here!
She was sympathetic. She had shared a story with me of her own relationship drama. She didn’t like going home herself, because she was alone. Her mate had been away for months now on “business” and she didn’t know when he would be returning. She had offered to pray for me and then just like that she was gone. I wanted her to stay longer, and tell me more about this partner who had been gone for so long on “business,” but I didn’t dare ask any more questions that would have kept her with me any longer, since there were plenty more women on that floor who probably had even worse issues. I guess the idea of being a mother for a fourth time, my partner’s “true” reaction to it and my being so far away from home (I live 3,000 miles away from everyone I know), brought those ugly blues out into the open.
The next day my boyfriend showed up with flowers (I had asked for,) so that I could give them out to the hospital staff that helped me. Surprisingly, there were a few in the bunch he had picked up for me that I hadn‘t requested. I say “surprisingly” because when he came to see me in the hospital the night before, I was irritable due to our oldest child being fretful, loud and his father not being able to control him. I was in pain and just couldn’t handle the temper tantrums, I’m sure you could understand if you are a mother, so I was tearful, I wanted him and my noisy child to go home. He brought none of his family to help him with our child or maybe none was available. Whatever the case, I had recently given birth and I was sick and tired of being tired.
You may have had emotional lows too and all you wanted was for your partner to be understanding, but no matter what you said or did, he still didn’t act a little bit interested. Babies change relationships. I haven’t seen one where things got better as a result of having a baby. Men “act different” when their lovers become mothers. He never sees you the same way, for some men they may fall in love harder, but for many they are looking for the next woman who they didn’t have children with to compliment, encourage, entertain, feed and ultimately have sex with them, simply because she doesn’t have those “issues” that motherhood brings. The new woman has never said and did anything that offended him, but he has a history with the old one. A history of watching her vomit because the baby has upset her stomach, being a victim of her occasional mood swings, and seeing her body go through undesirable changes.
Having children brings out the best and worst of anyone. They tap on emotions you didn’t think you had. They cause you to reach new levels of love, compassion, anger, sadness and any other feeling inside you may not have ever experienced. Whether you are a stay-at-home mother, working or retired mother you can relate.
My one week of emotional highs and lows came and went. With each passing day, I became stronger mentally and physically. The baby’s cries would trigger a negative reaction within me, but I didn’t dwell in the negativity, I just answered his demands and did what needed to be done. I was too busy to think about whether I was happy or sad about my newborn. For over a month, the baby needed something every two hours each day and night. There were times when dad was a help and there were times where I might as well been alone.
I couldn’t recall when was the last time I cried about anything related to the baby. My newborn did enough crying for the both of us as he grew older. Instead, my tears behind closed doors were for his dad...
To read more about Ms. McGuire's ordeal, get her book entitled When Mothers Cry available on Amazon.com.
Written by Nicholl McGuire for more writings by this writer visit Click Here!
When Mothers Cry Over the Grandparents
The stereotype for grandparents is that they are supposed to love their grandchildren and spoil them rotten. I say, “Stereotype” because just like every black person can’t dance every grandparent isn’t a “grand” parent! There are those grandparents who just like the parents didn’t want to become “grand” parents. To them there is nothing “grand” about being a parent. They didn’t enjoy parenting their own children, let alone, being a parent to their grandchildren.
Some of these grandparents hear of another birth of a child in the family and think about two things: money and death. “I am trying to retire, I don’t have money to spend on all these grandchildren!” some complain. “I’m getting older now. All these babies being born in the family only means one thing, I will be going soon!” Thank God not every grandparent has such a negative view on being a grandparent, but there are plenty particularly when some are in their mid thirties with grandchildren!
Mothers cry when they notice that their own parents aren’t even a little bit interested in their grandchildren. So fearful these grandparents are that they will have to baby-sit, they make themselves busy. “I don’t want to be bothered, I have too much stuff to do, if she brings the children over, she will stay with them, because I am not watching them,” some say. Now this attitude is justified if their own children are taking advantage of their hospitality and generosity, but for the grandparents who haven’t bothered to bond with their grandchildren it is sad.
Some grandparents aren’t very good teachers either. They can’t or won’t bother teaching their own children on how to be a parent or share wisdom with their grandchildren. Teaching requires work and some don’t want to step up to the task of teaching because it requires time they don’t want to share and money to educate. Being a grandparent is a second chance at being the parent he or she couldn’t be with their children. Years ago, he or she may have been too busy to bother with their own children, may have been too young to really understand what it meant to be a parent, and may have been too stressed about making money to bother with spending time with their own children. Grand parenting is a gift. Grandparents can use their opportunity to pick up where the parent left off and at the same time resolve their feelings of parental regret before they die. However, there are some grandparents who miss this important point about their role. They feel more comfortable criticizing parents about their parenting practices, then making positive contributions.
Mothers see things when relating to people that oftentimes their partners don’t see. They see the anger in a grandparent’s eyes that may not have approved of her choice in a partner from the beginning let alone the offspring that came from him. The mother observes the favoritism between her siblings and the grandchildren given to them by her parents and she knows when the grandparents are trying to cover up their actions by mere words, “I love all my grandchildren the same!”
Mothers also see when grandparents are using the grandchildren as a means to control their lives too. “If you move, I won’t be able to see my grandchildren.” A move doesn’t have to keep the grandparents from their grandchildren. If they truly love them, they will make the effort to visit the grandchildren. But far too often, grandparents won’t see them unless their children save money to go where they are. Knowing that it is a hassle and not necessarily affordable, the grandparents rather sit back and wait for the visit rather than get out of their comfort zone.
Mothers also see when the grandparents don’t want to be grandparents. They don’t call or write, acknowledge a holiday and unfortunately bad mouth about their children to other siblings, family members, friends, even strangers! “My daughter never comes and sees me! I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandchildren!” Mothers cry about all these things, but for the mentally strong mothers, they don’t cry long when it comes to grandparents. Some mothers will either encourage the grandparents to join their grandchildren’s lives whether they like it or not. They may drop by unannounced, invite them to go places with the family, send letters, cards or video even when grandparents don’t ask or give them money or gifts “just because” or during holidays. They make a point to talk about their children, even when the grandparent doesn’t bother to ask, “How are my grandchildren?” However, some mothers don’t have the time or energy to build relationships with the grandparents, so they simply write them out of their lives. “If she wants to see her grandchildren, she knows where I live.”
Life is too short. Mothers, along with the help of the fathers, bring life into this world. Although it isn’t always celebrated, it is still life. Whether a grandparent chooses to acknowledge their legacy and go out of their way to be an integral part of influencing the child is left up to them (of course, for those who have the power to do it.) Not everyone is fortunate to have even a small opportunity to be a part of their grandchildren’s lives and that makes grandmother’s cry.
Written by Nicholl McGuire, For more articles by this writer, connect on Twitter.
Some of these grandparents hear of another birth of a child in the family and think about two things: money and death. “I am trying to retire, I don’t have money to spend on all these grandchildren!” some complain. “I’m getting older now. All these babies being born in the family only means one thing, I will be going soon!” Thank God not every grandparent has such a negative view on being a grandparent, but there are plenty particularly when some are in their mid thirties with grandchildren!
Mothers cry when they notice that their own parents aren’t even a little bit interested in their grandchildren. So fearful these grandparents are that they will have to baby-sit, they make themselves busy. “I don’t want to be bothered, I have too much stuff to do, if she brings the children over, she will stay with them, because I am not watching them,” some say. Now this attitude is justified if their own children are taking advantage of their hospitality and generosity, but for the grandparents who haven’t bothered to bond with their grandchildren it is sad.
Some grandparents aren’t very good teachers either. They can’t or won’t bother teaching their own children on how to be a parent or share wisdom with their grandchildren. Teaching requires work and some don’t want to step up to the task of teaching because it requires time they don’t want to share and money to educate. Being a grandparent is a second chance at being the parent he or she couldn’t be with their children. Years ago, he or she may have been too busy to bother with their own children, may have been too young to really understand what it meant to be a parent, and may have been too stressed about making money to bother with spending time with their own children. Grand parenting is a gift. Grandparents can use their opportunity to pick up where the parent left off and at the same time resolve their feelings of parental regret before they die. However, there are some grandparents who miss this important point about their role. They feel more comfortable criticizing parents about their parenting practices, then making positive contributions.
Mothers see things when relating to people that oftentimes their partners don’t see. They see the anger in a grandparent’s eyes that may not have approved of her choice in a partner from the beginning let alone the offspring that came from him. The mother observes the favoritism between her siblings and the grandchildren given to them by her parents and she knows when the grandparents are trying to cover up their actions by mere words, “I love all my grandchildren the same!”
Mothers also see when grandparents are using the grandchildren as a means to control their lives too. “If you move, I won’t be able to see my grandchildren.” A move doesn’t have to keep the grandparents from their grandchildren. If they truly love them, they will make the effort to visit the grandchildren. But far too often, grandparents won’t see them unless their children save money to go where they are. Knowing that it is a hassle and not necessarily affordable, the grandparents rather sit back and wait for the visit rather than get out of their comfort zone.
Mothers also see when the grandparents don’t want to be grandparents. They don’t call or write, acknowledge a holiday and unfortunately bad mouth about their children to other siblings, family members, friends, even strangers! “My daughter never comes and sees me! I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandchildren!” Mothers cry about all these things, but for the mentally strong mothers, they don’t cry long when it comes to grandparents. Some mothers will either encourage the grandparents to join their grandchildren’s lives whether they like it or not. They may drop by unannounced, invite them to go places with the family, send letters, cards or video even when grandparents don’t ask or give them money or gifts “just because” or during holidays. They make a point to talk about their children, even when the grandparent doesn’t bother to ask, “How are my grandchildren?” However, some mothers don’t have the time or energy to build relationships with the grandparents, so they simply write them out of their lives. “If she wants to see her grandchildren, she knows where I live.”
Life is too short. Mothers, along with the help of the fathers, bring life into this world. Although it isn’t always celebrated, it is still life. Whether a grandparent chooses to acknowledge their legacy and go out of their way to be an integral part of influencing the child is left up to them (of course, for those who have the power to do it.) Not everyone is fortunate to have even a small opportunity to be a part of their grandchildren’s lives and that makes grandmother’s cry.
Written by Nicholl McGuire, For more articles by this writer, connect on Twitter.
Wednesday
Mothers Who Feel Guilty
“I could have…, should have…, would have...” Mothers are crying for the things they could have done for their families, but chose not or could not for whatever reason. They cry now because their children in the past looked up at them with tears in their eyes and said, “Help!” And they walked away.
Now I believe in tough love, and it can reap great life lessons that benefit the children in both the short and long term. However, tough love without a starting and ending point becomes crazy love. When one’s child is demonstrating that he or she has learned from his or her life lessons it isn’t necessary to keep punishing them. Why is it that some mothers reach a place in their heart where they are so cold? Is it because their children have hurt them so much emotionally to the point that they become numb? Does anyone bother to explain to these mothers, what is the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship with their children? Maybe some of these mothers just don’t realize it until it’s too late that they are walking in a bubble when it comes to relating to their children. If no one is there to say, “Hey Jane Doe you are being abusive to your children when you say that or do that,” then how does she really know whether she is being good to her children or not?
I was told that I didn’t hug my children enough by my former spouse who reflected on how much his mother hugged him. Although I felt I hugged them plenty, I began to pay closer attention and found that I really wasn’t hugging them as often as I thought. I could actually count on one hand how many times I hugged them in a week. Now would I go so far as to say that too little hugging or too much hugging can cause them to be this way or that way when they become older, no, but what I would say is that hugs do make a difference. Family and friends who have spoken to me about this topic of hugging have admitted that they do have problems with intimacy resulting from their parent’s lack of affection. One family member made this statement, “I wonder had we turned out any different if our daddy would have hugged us?” That question brought tears to my eyes. We are kidding ourselves as mothers if we think our children can escape dysfunction without being talked or listened to, hugged, kissed or made to feel loved and appreciated.
Children need it all! No, we can’t do it all, but we can give them the great allusion as if we have done it all! Creating a plan and tapping into the resources around us to help our children is all we need to be guilt free parents. Keep in mind that some family, friends, and strangers will come with their motherhood stories and advice to make them feel better about their selves while attempting to put other mothers down. Some mothers make the mistake of encouraging these self-righteous advisors by asking questions and taking what they say personal, then later beating themselves up with their negative statements. When handling criticism, one mother told me, “I take what others say go in one ear and out the other.” Another mother said, “When I leave this world I won’t have any regrets, because I know I was a good mother to all my children.” One common trait that I noticed with “guilt free” mothers is that they at least make an attempt to be there for their children, come hell or high water! From remembering birthdays for their adult children that were missed when they were younger to spending quality time with their children when they couldn’t be there for them. They are trying to resolve past issues so why bother to criticize them for their efforts?
Written by Nicholl McGuire, For more articles by this writer Click Here!
Now I believe in tough love, and it can reap great life lessons that benefit the children in both the short and long term. However, tough love without a starting and ending point becomes crazy love. When one’s child is demonstrating that he or she has learned from his or her life lessons it isn’t necessary to keep punishing them. Why is it that some mothers reach a place in their heart where they are so cold? Is it because their children have hurt them so much emotionally to the point that they become numb? Does anyone bother to explain to these mothers, what is the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship with their children? Maybe some of these mothers just don’t realize it until it’s too late that they are walking in a bubble when it comes to relating to their children. If no one is there to say, “Hey Jane Doe you are being abusive to your children when you say that or do that,” then how does she really know whether she is being good to her children or not?
I was told that I didn’t hug my children enough by my former spouse who reflected on how much his mother hugged him. Although I felt I hugged them plenty, I began to pay closer attention and found that I really wasn’t hugging them as often as I thought. I could actually count on one hand how many times I hugged them in a week. Now would I go so far as to say that too little hugging or too much hugging can cause them to be this way or that way when they become older, no, but what I would say is that hugs do make a difference. Family and friends who have spoken to me about this topic of hugging have admitted that they do have problems with intimacy resulting from their parent’s lack of affection. One family member made this statement, “I wonder had we turned out any different if our daddy would have hugged us?” That question brought tears to my eyes. We are kidding ourselves as mothers if we think our children can escape dysfunction without being talked or listened to, hugged, kissed or made to feel loved and appreciated.
Children need it all! No, we can’t do it all, but we can give them the great allusion as if we have done it all! Creating a plan and tapping into the resources around us to help our children is all we need to be guilt free parents. Keep in mind that some family, friends, and strangers will come with their motherhood stories and advice to make them feel better about their selves while attempting to put other mothers down. Some mothers make the mistake of encouraging these self-righteous advisors by asking questions and taking what they say personal, then later beating themselves up with their negative statements. When handling criticism, one mother told me, “I take what others say go in one ear and out the other.” Another mother said, “When I leave this world I won’t have any regrets, because I know I was a good mother to all my children.” One common trait that I noticed with “guilt free” mothers is that they at least make an attempt to be there for their children, come hell or high water! From remembering birthdays for their adult children that were missed when they were younger to spending quality time with their children when they couldn’t be there for them. They are trying to resolve past issues so why bother to criticize them for their efforts?
Written by Nicholl McGuire, For more articles by this writer Click Here!
Why do some mothers make life harder by imposing their choices on other mothers?
Why do some mothers criticize one another over the littlest of things? Whether she is a young mother who forgot to cover the baby’s head while getting out of a car or an older mother who is trying to breast feed her child in public, there is always some comment from afar. “Why doesn’t she cover the baby’s head, that’s why her child will be sick? Does she have to breastfeed here they should make it a law not to?” The self-righteous mother acts as if she has been able to get everything right the first time.
You may have decided to return back to work within six weeks after you had your baby and I may have chosen to stay at home. You may have decided to quit your job and allow your husband to take care of you. I may have stayed at my job, divorced my husband, and gave him custody of the children. Whatever our situations, why is it that mothers are critical of one another? “She should have kept her children. Why would she return back to work so soon after having a baby? If I was her I would find a man that made more money. After what he did to me, I would have taken the children and he would never be able to find us.” Chances are everything that these mothers comment about, if placed in a similar situation, they wouldn’t even take their own advice. So why is it that some mothers are so hard on other mothers? Because they feel they have a right to be.
Some women feel because they have crossed that threshold into motherhood and did well accepting their roles, they have appointed themselves as an authority on what other mothers should do or say when it comes to handling family matters. The truth is that in order to get to a place of comfort in their lives, they had to make many terrible mistakes to get there and rather than be honest and say, “Yes, I have been there and done that and I don’t want you to make the same mistake,” they will criticize other mothers to cover up their own shortcomings. They are fearful that if they advise rather than be critical that they would have to reveal too much of themselves. Therefore, putting their choices under the same scrutiny that they give to other mothers—of course they don’t want to do that! Other mothers are critical because they are envious. For example, they may wish that they had enough courage to return back to work so soon after having a baby or been strong enough to let their sons or daughters live with their father.
The mother who has no life outside of the family home seems to be the biggest gossip in my experience. She doesn’t have enough to do to stay off the phone or out of someone else’s home. She always seems to find the time to update everyone on the latest happenings in the family and in the community never bothering to leave out her negative personal opinion. Her mouth often gets her into a lot of trouble. “Did you hear that our neighbor’s son is in jail, you know if that were my son…? The paramedics had to take the man up the street to the hospital, I think it was because of all that drinking he got sick. He shouldn’t have been doing it in front of his children. Did you know that our friend just lost her children? She should have, she was always out partying.” However, the part that the gossip tends to leave out is her life experience. She chooses not to divulge how she had been physically, mentally or verbally abused by her husband in front of the children and she allowed it. She fails to mention how she has few friends, because she can’t seem to keep her mouth closed long enough to get any. Finally, and the most important of all, is she doesn’t want you to know how she has failed as a mother. Her children will tell you that they don’t like their mother for various reasons including her being critical of their life choices. Although this is an example, it is very real for some mothers who are trying to be good mothers, but along comes some gossip mother type who thinks she has it all figured out on what constitutes “a good mother” and to hell with the rest of us who may fall short of her expectations.
I can see why some women don’t have good relationships with their own mothers, mother-in-laws, motherhood groups, their church and other people and organizations that are suppose to provide support to mothers. The criticism can be overwhelming and if you are not content in your role as mother, these people can say and do things that can break you down mentally. Unfortunately, this happens all too often to some mothers who come from these meetings. They are crying to their husbands, complaining to relatives or praying to God somewhere alone. They are trying very hard to be the mother who can cook, clean, work, care for the husband and children, attend church regularly, keep up with the doctor’s appointments, the afterschool functions, organize the holiday celebrations and much more and despite all their efforts it is never good enough. There will always be some mother who will have something negative to say, “There weren’t enough things for the children to do at the last function. How come we never see your children at the meeting? You know that is not how we do it. It’s a family tradition…you should…you need to…you ought to…”
How about mothers, who are trying real hard to be good mothers, stop venting to their husbands, relatives and friends about their frustrations with other mothers? Instead, set the record straight the minute these critical mothers want to verbally assault you behind your back, you tell them to their face, “This is my function…this is my house…these are my children…and I am doing the best I can for what I know, how about you just sit back and keep your mouth shut!” As I write, I think about the mothers who rather keep quiet and let God handle matters and to that I say, even Jesus had to speak up sometime for what is right. Start praying that the Lord will give you the courage to speak up in his time not during times you think may not be right. Too often, we assume that every special occasion is not the right time to say anything, but sometimes these mothers hide behind the “this is not the right time” excuse to get away with doing things to hurt you, don’t let it happen to you. Although you may not get these critical mothers to keep quiet about you, you will have taken a stand, and let them know that you can’t and will not be bullied. If you don’t stand up for your role as mother who will?
You may have decided to return back to work within six weeks after you had your baby and I may have chosen to stay at home. You may have decided to quit your job and allow your husband to take care of you. I may have stayed at my job, divorced my husband, and gave him custody of the children. Whatever our situations, why is it that mothers are critical of one another? “She should have kept her children. Why would she return back to work so soon after having a baby? If I was her I would find a man that made more money. After what he did to me, I would have taken the children and he would never be able to find us.” Chances are everything that these mothers comment about, if placed in a similar situation, they wouldn’t even take their own advice. So why is it that some mothers are so hard on other mothers? Because they feel they have a right to be.
Some women feel because they have crossed that threshold into motherhood and did well accepting their roles, they have appointed themselves as an authority on what other mothers should do or say when it comes to handling family matters. The truth is that in order to get to a place of comfort in their lives, they had to make many terrible mistakes to get there and rather than be honest and say, “Yes, I have been there and done that and I don’t want you to make the same mistake,” they will criticize other mothers to cover up their own shortcomings. They are fearful that if they advise rather than be critical that they would have to reveal too much of themselves. Therefore, putting their choices under the same scrutiny that they give to other mothers—of course they don’t want to do that! Other mothers are critical because they are envious. For example, they may wish that they had enough courage to return back to work so soon after having a baby or been strong enough to let their sons or daughters live with their father.
The mother who has no life outside of the family home seems to be the biggest gossip in my experience. She doesn’t have enough to do to stay off the phone or out of someone else’s home. She always seems to find the time to update everyone on the latest happenings in the family and in the community never bothering to leave out her negative personal opinion. Her mouth often gets her into a lot of trouble. “Did you hear that our neighbor’s son is in jail, you know if that were my son…? The paramedics had to take the man up the street to the hospital, I think it was because of all that drinking he got sick. He shouldn’t have been doing it in front of his children. Did you know that our friend just lost her children? She should have, she was always out partying.” However, the part that the gossip tends to leave out is her life experience. She chooses not to divulge how she had been physically, mentally or verbally abused by her husband in front of the children and she allowed it. She fails to mention how she has few friends, because she can’t seem to keep her mouth closed long enough to get any. Finally, and the most important of all, is she doesn’t want you to know how she has failed as a mother. Her children will tell you that they don’t like their mother for various reasons including her being critical of their life choices. Although this is an example, it is very real for some mothers who are trying to be good mothers, but along comes some gossip mother type who thinks she has it all figured out on what constitutes “a good mother” and to hell with the rest of us who may fall short of her expectations.
I can see why some women don’t have good relationships with their own mothers, mother-in-laws, motherhood groups, their church and other people and organizations that are suppose to provide support to mothers. The criticism can be overwhelming and if you are not content in your role as mother, these people can say and do things that can break you down mentally. Unfortunately, this happens all too often to some mothers who come from these meetings. They are crying to their husbands, complaining to relatives or praying to God somewhere alone. They are trying very hard to be the mother who can cook, clean, work, care for the husband and children, attend church regularly, keep up with the doctor’s appointments, the afterschool functions, organize the holiday celebrations and much more and despite all their efforts it is never good enough. There will always be some mother who will have something negative to say, “There weren’t enough things for the children to do at the last function. How come we never see your children at the meeting? You know that is not how we do it. It’s a family tradition…you should…you need to…you ought to…”
How about mothers, who are trying real hard to be good mothers, stop venting to their husbands, relatives and friends about their frustrations with other mothers? Instead, set the record straight the minute these critical mothers want to verbally assault you behind your back, you tell them to their face, “This is my function…this is my house…these are my children…and I am doing the best I can for what I know, how about you just sit back and keep your mouth shut!” As I write, I think about the mothers who rather keep quiet and let God handle matters and to that I say, even Jesus had to speak up sometime for what is right. Start praying that the Lord will give you the courage to speak up in his time not during times you think may not be right. Too often, we assume that every special occasion is not the right time to say anything, but sometimes these mothers hide behind the “this is not the right time” excuse to get away with doing things to hurt you, don’t let it happen to you. Although you may not get these critical mothers to keep quiet about you, you will have taken a stand, and let them know that you can’t and will not be bullied. If you don’t stand up for your role as mother who will?
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When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on book by Nicholl McGuire, When Mothers Cry.
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