Marriage Counseling Tips: What to Do When Your Spouse Won't Talk

How to get a spouse's attention so that he or she will communicate with you is an issue that mystifies many couples. Spouses report trying many techniques, such as trying to talk rationally and logically, watching to see when a spouse is in a good mood, and waiting for a time when the television is off. They also share stories of begging, pleading, threatening, and finally, yelling and screaming.

If you are having problems getting your spouse to talk to you and to share feelings and opinions, here are some additional things you can do to facilitate communication. First, you have to grab your spouse's attention, which is what these tips are designed to do.

1.When you're talking to your spouse and start getting overly-emotional, lower your voice instead of raising it. This breaks the pattern of tempers escalating, followed by loud yelling. If your spouse asks what you're doing, just say that you read that lowering your voice was a way to defuse anger. Maybe your partner will decide to try it, too.

2.Write your spouse a letter or e-mail stating your feelings, requests, or questions. Include how not talking about or resolving the issues is affecting you. For example, you might say, "When you call me horrible names, I feel like I've been betrayed. I don't want anything to lessen my love for you, but I know that if this continues, I won't feel the same way toward you. Can we please agree not to call each other names (or can we make an appointment with a marriage counselor, etc.)?"

3.Buy a cute, funny, or clever greeting card and include a note asking if you can schedule a time to talk to him when you both will be uninterrupted. Some spouses have an easier time talking to their partner in a restaurant over dinner, so you could suggest making plans for going out for a meal.

Obviously, you wouldn't want to discuss your most emotional issues in public, but maybe you could use the occasion to handle some relatively routine things. And then agree on a future time to talk about the more sensitive topics.

4.When you give your spouse a card or note asking if you can schedule a time to talk, include his or her favorite candy bar or a package of chewing gum--some small item that shows you pay attention to what your partner likes. With a candy bar, you might attach a note that says, "To my sweet Sweetie--could you please let me know when we can schedule a time to talk? Thanks so much. Enjoy the candy!"

5.Make a written list of your questions and include a "yes" and "no" box next to the question. Also include boxes that say "Undecided" and "Need More Details." Be as specific as you can. For example, you might make a list of possible activities and places to go on a "date night" and ask your partner to respond. In that case, you would put a category of "Other suggestions" at the bottom so your spouse could include additional ideas. Or you could make a list of possible times during the week that the two of you could reserve for private talks. Another idea is to make a list of things you think are important to resolve, and see if your spouse agrees or disagrees.

6.Look for something to "trade" with your spouse, such as offering to take the kids to a movie so your spouse can have friends over or enjoy some private time to relax. In return, negotiate for an uninterrupted time to discuss pertinent relationship issues--maybe a relative can keep the children or they can spend a weekend afternoon with friends. Or you might offer to do a certain chore that your partner detests doing in exchange for some "talk time," which your spouse may equate with being slowly tortured. Make a creative trade-off.

7.Just because you think the tips won't work, don't prematurely discount them. I have worked with numerous clients in marriage counseling who have tried these tips or variations of them, and the results have often been amazing. Spouses who don't normally express feelings verbally sometimes respond in writing, much to the astonishment of their partners. In other cases, spouses who receive letters have initiated conversations about how the letter has opened their eyes to things they didn't realize before.

Use these seven tips to jump-start your thinking about different ways to open communication channels with your spouse. And if one attempt falls flat, try another. That's what all successful researchers do--and they don't hide behind the words, 'It'll never work." Experiment with an open mind and you may be surprised at the results.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get weekly ideas and support to help you improve your marriage. Nancy can be contacted at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.

Family Closeness: When it gets to be too close for comfort

Are you so close to your family and extended relatives that there is no room for anyone else?

I thought of this question when I realized how much time had passed while sitting on the phone talking to relatives 3000 miles away a few years ago. I could have best used that time exploring my community more, possibly getting involved in a group or organizing some event with people I didn't know. I had allowed my pregnancies, newborns, money woes, and relationship challenges to discourage me from making friends and finding a home in one of the most coveted places in the world, California.

I think many new mothers do the same. Trying to fit parenting in a life that is already crowded with family and their activities. We don't even bother to think about including new friends in the mix.

I found my way back to my childhood home briefly on the east coast about a year ago after one of my children turned one (I blogged about this in the past.) While taking a breath for a time at a familiar spot, I found myself wishing that I had taken advantage of my time in San Diego and Los Angeles more. So I increased my praying time and before long, another opportunity to return back to the beautiful state occurred.

Presently, I see doors beginning to open as I get out more both on and offline. Did I tell you that in the past I would spend a lot of time talking to old classmates too? I ditched my old Facebook account (thanks to hackers.) I had connected with all the people from the past that I was curious about, so if I died or they did, there would be no regrets. It was time to say goodbye for good to many of them. No high school reunions were necessary, I had, had my fill online -- many of those photos said it all! It was time to make room in my life for people I didn't know.

I think sometimes we lean on family and friends (whether toxic or not,) because we are either too lazy, too scared, too ignorant, too insecure, too mean-spirited, too troubled, too depressed or too something else to connect with anyone outside of our inner circles. Some of us have been recycling the same old toxic family members in the hopes they will change only to get hurt again and again by them! Sometimes "our kind of people" are really not our kind of people just human beings that we just so happen to know by no choice of our own.

I think this issue of family closeness is not only healthy, great, wonderful and all those other positive words to describe it, but it can also suffocate our dreams, opportunities and new life experiences. Sometimes it takes one person in the family (usually older) to tell us "to get away from the family, stop worrying so much about the family, and live your life!" Take heed to his or her liberating advice!

Nicholl McGuire

They Told Me I Didn't Know What I was Talking About, But Now I Do

When I wasn't a mother I had my opinions just like everyone else (who never raised children,) they told me I didn't know what I was talking about, but then my turn came and oh how enlightened I had become!

Being a mother of four, I can tell you it is no walk in the park! It is easy to write a book, make a video and do other things to encourage others, but when you live motherhood each and every day (without daycare or family) it is grueling!

People will tell you, "I understand." No you don't. You really can't comprehend the hormonal changes, the strong willed, hypersensitive, active group I got! However, to help some understand just how challenging motherhood can be, I suggest you offer your time, money and any other assistance you can give when you see a mother has her back up against the wall! I recall a few scenes as I write where strangers helped me open doors for my children seated in a double stroller, another scene where someone dropped money in my hand and told me to buy the children something with it, and plenty of scenes where people prayed for me! These are blessings in disguise when you least expect it!

Mothers don't just scream just to be screaming about issues in the household, over the phone, via email, or at the workplace, they have real aches inside their minds, bodies and spirits! Something or someone on the outside contributed to her woes, no matter how much we reason by saying, "She should have, could have..." She is crying for various reasons some that are easily understood and others more challenging. How dare anyone assume that because she cooks, cleans, cares for the baby, runs errands and does other duties that she is happy? Just because someone goes to work everyday, doesn't make them content? There are many women that no matter what you buy or do for them, it isn't going to resolve the issues that she repeatedly her family to do.

The best Mother's Day is the one that she doesn't have to worry over the following: getting bills paid, a table being a mess, the floor being sticky, closets not being organized, looking for someone to watch her children, relatives' criticisms, a partner's weak reactions to temptations, childrens' temper tantrums, and friends' petty attitudes about her not calling them. These are just some of the many examples of the worries she rather not have! Mothers everywhere are looking for the gifts that don't come in small or large packages, but the ones that come from the heart! So if she turns up her nose about the gift you gave her or act ungrateful, it is because she is expecting more from you, the kind of things that can't be wrapped up in a bow!

If she is a spiritual mother, she is looking for the gifts that only God can fulfill, the ones that He uses people to create. The kind of gifts that result from an understanding from those who she loves. Those are the real gifts! Those are the true gifts!

May God bless you and yours this Mother's Day,

Nicholl McGuire

Its Not Too Late to Get Your Mom a Quality Gift Basket

I came across a website that is offering an expedited shipping service, see here:

Mother's Day Special! Pay for ground, get upgraded to 2nd Day Air on select Mother's Day baskets!

Mother's Day: The Expectation of Getting Something

What better way to reduce the tears of a mother, tell her you are going to give her something! Whether your mother is a controlling, selfish bossy woman or a nice, kind, and sweet lady, whoever she is and whatever she does, she is still a human being that will be moved by others to expect you to get her something for Mother's Day. Now whether you get her something, that is up to you.

I put together a list of things to trigger your memory on something she might need, might use, or decorate her shelf and never open. Irregardless of what she does with your thoughtfulness, at least you done your part, you acknowledged her!

This list was created with both the wealthy and not so wealthy daughter (or son) in mind. I include links to the stores. Many of these offers are for a limited time only and may be discontinued by next week.

Hanes Women's Sweatpants


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$15 Off An Order Of $125 or More + Free Ground Shipping On Select Products at RadioShack.com! Expires 4.30.10 (exclusions apply)

Buy one Memory Foam Pillow, get the 2nd 25% off at SharperImage.com! Enter code PILLOW25. Expires 5.7.10.

Westinghouse 8" Digital Photo Frame

HURRY, Free Shipping on every Order Placed with USA Flower!!!

Save 15% on all purchases at timetospa.com. Enter promo code MY15
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Get 10% OFF entire order when you buy a Simmons mattress with any bed or bedroom set. Limited time offer. Can not be combined with other coupons or promotions.

Buy Pajamas from PJ Outlet. $5 Shipping on your entire order. FREE Shipping on orders over $100.

Get 20% Extra Credits on Your First Credit Purchase with Wavee. Use Code: 20extra

Get in on this penny auction!

10 FREE Greeting Cards When You Buy 20!

Ship Fresh Citrus

Gourmet Chocolate Gift Basket

Show Her You Care With Delicious Mother's Day Gifts Under $25 at See's Candies!

15% off on women’s and unisex frames, from May 9th to May 11th.

SuperJeweler.com - Clearance Jewelry up to 80% Off!

Take 20% off everything plus Free Shipping at SelectRugs.com! Use promo code exclusive20 at checkout.

Get a FREE Mother's Day Photo Card with any purchase from PhotoWorks.com! Offer valid 4.6.10 to 4.29.10



Nicholl McGuire is the creator of this blog. Feel free to follow her on Twitter @motherhoodtips

Healthy Moms - Sponsored Post

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This is an online magazine that might also be helpful to my readers. Do check it out!

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When Mothers Cry About Their Tempermental Children

I thought the following article was worth posting since there are many mothers with a cry related to their defiant children. I hope this helps some of you...

What to Do When Punishments, Time-Outs, and Behavioral Plans Do Not Work

Are you frustrated with the traditional methods of discipline that many parents, doctors and other parents suggest? There is another option. You can teach your child good behaviors without punishments, time-outs, and behavioral plans. It may sound too good to be true, but it isn't, it really does work.

So, what is this revolutionary discipline method? It begins with you the parent first. What you may ask? Before you can start to teach your child good behaviors, you must model them first. Sounds easy enough, right?

Now that you know you need to model good behavior, you need to learn how to be a good leader. When a child enters the home, you are instantly thrown into the role of a parent. A good parent needs to be a good leader. Leadership may not come natural to everybody, but that is okay. There are simple strategies a parent can practice that will help hone their leadership skills.

Learning how to communicate with your child is one of the most important skills you can learn. Verbal and non-verbal communication can help you develop a better relationship with your child, thus making it easier for you to teach them good behaviors.

Instead of listing a hundred things you do not want your child to do, you can tell them what you do want them to do. How is that for a change in parenting? Trying a new parenting method can only help you learn and grow as a parent.

Even if you have never tried any of these tactics, it is not too late. You can change your parenting style in just a few weeks. What have you got to lose?

Do you want to learn exactly how to eliminate your child's out-of-control and defiant behavior without using Punishments, Time-Outs, Behavioral Plans, or Rewards?

To Download and listen to my FREE audio recordings visit: Free Audio Recordings.

Jason Johnson (MSW) has worked with hundreds of toddlers through teenagers diagnosed with A.D.H.D, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Aspergers Syndrome, Bi-polar, and SEVERE emotional/behavioral issues.

When Mothers Cry Things Change

If you don't have a cry, you don't have a passion, and when you don't have a passion you will let things go whether good, bad or otherwise.

I was angry recently at many things that seemed to come up one after another. I saw a vision one day of a woman who I assumed was a mother with two guns strapped to her side. I said to myself, "Imagine if she had those visible walking down the street. People would do whatever she asked." Sometimes that's the way you feel as a mother. If fear is going to get the job done, the you will use it with children and anyone else who doesn't want to do the right thing concerning your children.

Sometimes it takes a wake up call for people to listen. Sometimes the wake up call is good and other times not so good. Someone's child is murdered in your neighborhood, so you start looking out for your child moreso. Another parent dies young due to health issues that could have been prevented, so you try to do better caring for yourself.

Tears fall from our eyes for good reason. However, so many mothers let them fall in vain. Nothing happens afterward in their personal lives. They keep people in their inner circle that don't mean them well. They bad-mouth instead of taking action. They distance themselves from good people, while hanging on to the bad ones. They take hard-earned money out of their bank accounts that was meant for their children to fulfill their husband or boyfriend's immediate needs. They cry and cry and cry some more, but nothing changes!

Maybe that's why some women grow old prematurely. The crows feet come up practically overnight. There is no release in their spirit other than tears. They moan and groan. Their relatives and friends don't understand. "Why do I feel this way?" The mother cries. "Why can't I get things right with my children?" The grandmother sobs. "Why do I keep making the same mistakes?" The working mother screams. These are real issues that produce real cries and if nothing more than tears comes from these situations and others like them, then expect more tears!

Nicholl McGuire is the creator of this blog and author of When Mothers Cry located on Amazon.com You can follow her tweets at http://www.twitter.com/motherhoodtips

Your Mother's Love

While you were still inside your mother's womb, you breathe and eat because of her. Everything that you do is connected to the sole provider of life - your mother. Within nine months, your mother carries you and provides for your physical and emotional needs, withstanding the pain, stress, and difficulties she is going through.
Most women find completeness when they bear a child. But when does a mother's love starts? Some are so excited to become a mother and like the feeling of having a child so soon. Their excitement leads them to love the activities that have to do with motherhood like searching for the best name, preparing for the baby clothes, the baby things, and the nursery. They are preoccupied with planning and discussions about how to prepare and become a mother. In the early stage of discovering and confirming pregnancy, some would accept the child but others may be on denial. Eventually they will learn to accept the child and as each day goes by they create the most unique bond, a mother's love for her child.
You all came from one being - your mother. That's technically speaking as it was your mothers who raised you from conception. Your mother nourished, and endure all the pain and discomforts while you were still inside their womb. When it was your time to come out and see the world, she sacrificed and nearly put her life at stake. She is willing to offer her life for you, she is willing to lose it in exchange for you so that you will be given the chance to see the world and experience its beauty.
As you grow day by day, your mother was there to guide you, molding your heart to be pure and giving you the tender loving care. Consider yourself fortunate if you have been with your mothers to share your everyday journey and endeavors in life, and have the chance to feel her presence. Communication holds the key to any relationship and conversing with one another can be beneficial because listening and understanding is another aspect of a bond. But to some who have been separated from their mothers because of work and other obstacles, a mother's unexpressed love for many years and the bond for her child will always be there awaiting to be unleashed and reunited.
Wherever you go and whatever separates you from your mother, you will always search for her presence because nothing can explain the need and security you feel when you are in her arms. She gives you the strength you need and the light you seek. Her words of encouragement and caressing hands are no match than anyone closest to you. She can wipe away your tears and ease your fears. That is the bond that holds you together. That is the devotion she has for you. It is far beyond defining your mother's love. Don't take her for granted. Your mother is the first person in your life and nobody can ever replace her. Give her due respect.

Janet Grace Ortigas is a freelance writer and online blogger

When Mothers Cry About Leaving Their Partner

It's happening everywhere! Mothers are not interested in playing mom or wife. They want out! There is simply too much pressure to be everything to everybody! But it doesn't have to end with mom running out the door carrying a box or two in hand with car keys and plans to drive away and never look back! Something can be done! Something must be done!

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

In relationships we tend to look for things wrong when there isn't really anything of major importance wrong. But watching the soap operas, listening to your friend's drama, playing some sad oldies, and thinking way too deeply about something you have read, will surely make you think things that just aren't true. When you are feeling insecure, creating dramas that are imagined, and scaring your partner away with all your questions, its time to change your habits and hobbies -- how about stop feeding into everyone else's drama?

What you don't know won't hurt you.

Is it really necessary to know everything that is going on with your partner at work, with his relatives and friends, and wherever else his feet tread? Let's just say he does have a history of cheating. If you suspect he is still up to no good, why worry yourself any longer? Do what you must to break free. But if he isn't, then you need help sister! There are things that men will do that will make their wife or girlfriend frown, but if you don't want to be upset on a daily basis, stop snooping, stop asking and just be sure you aren't doing anything to make him distrust you!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!

So you argued with your partner and some other things too embarrassing to breathe to anyone you know occurred. Can you honestly say that it is time to call it quits? People make mistakes all the time. People say things they don't mean. These things are normal, but what isn't is being beaten, stabbed, punished verbally or physically over and over again -- these things are usually unforgivable for most normal people. However, those little things, the ones that you know you need to work on trying to do better, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again!

When you and your partner both know its simply not feasible to break up emotionally and/or financially, and when you both know that the timing doesn't look or feel right, stick it out! Be as polite as you can, make love as much as you can, and try real hard to smile when you rather frown. Don't give up over petty things. Do talk about what makes you angry and if you need a third party, then find someone for yourself that may help you before you suggest going to counseling together!

May God bless...

Nicholl McGuire is the creator of this blog and author of When Mothers Cry, Amazon.com You can follow her tweets at @nichollmcguire.