Motherhood Through the Years

The Children You Guard Yourself Around

Mother You Aren't Getting Any Younger So Be Wise with Your Finances

Photo by Samuel Meléndez on Unsplash

If there is anything that I am learning as I age is I can't be all things to my four sons and I simply can't afford to be so!  Over the years, I observed the fathers in the family and how they dealt with financial matters versus how the mothers did.  What I saw were men who didn't invest their money into things like for instance, family event planning; rather, they financially planned (investments, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, real estate, worked gigs, etc.).  

The fathers didn't have no problem leaving it up to women to do things with the money they earned to: back-to-school shop, household shop, grocery shop, holiday shop, clothes and shoe shop, mall shop, vacation plan, etc.  Meanwhile, the basic essentials were handled (rent or mortgage, lights, gas, car insurance...) However, depending on how much money the women obtained, they were expected to help with those things too!  After a day of work, the men found a place to sit down and put their feet up!  The women continued to work: help with homework, clean, cook, wash clothes, shuttle them off to activities, discipline children, get them to bed, and many of you know the rest, because you are doing it now! 

Growing up, I saw those disappointed mothers who simply worked too hard for their money, for love, for approval, for whatever they hoped to gain from many challenged relationships!  They were up early and went to bed late at night not at peace, hoping, wishing and praying for easier days with less stress and financial mess!  There was never enough money on their end and I know some moms secretly resented the actions of their "cheap" partners who made far more than they did and were less generous too!  I didn't like how some of these fathers acted like tightwads either, but I also realized that spending up your last money, no matter who or what it is for, is damn foolish too!

I started looking around my own home, the children's closets, my closet, cabinets, under the bed and so on.  I made up in my mind over the years that once I met most needs of the household that certain spending categories were going to be cut significantly while others were no longer going to exist!  I met household needs over and over and over again from wash cloths to bedding and from school related things to outings!  But there comes a point, especially when children are old enough to do for themselves like cook what we already have in the freezer rather than expect parents or older siblings to buy food from restaurants, when what they claim they "need" is really not a need but a want and it won't be met!  It doesn't make me a bad mom for saying, "No" to this or that, it makes me a smart mom!

I have saved hundreds of dollars in saying "no" to holiday event planning and no to vacation planning and no to gift-buying "just because," but in recent years (before COVID) I started feeling a bit sentimental and nostalgic about things I had experienced while listening to people (who mean well), but also were guilty of spending far more money than they were bringing in to vacation plan, holiday plan, etc.  I thought, "After you spent all that money, now what?  You post photos on Facebook?  But would you post a picture of all the debt you are in trying to be everything to everyone?"

After spending hours going over all the spending categories on New Year's day, my head started to hurt.  I thought, "I am going to re-evaluate so-called 'needs' and think in terms of my getting older and what those needs are going to look like!"

You see, when you get older, adult sons and daughters don't meet your every need!  You are blessed if you get a call or text with a "Happy New Year" or "Happy Birthday! or Happy Mother's Day!" or an occasional gift that was useful or maybe not--lol!  I have four sons. Two of them, who are now 20 and 21, are out of the house.  Some of you who have been reading for years, you told me, "...wait until they get older" they changed and so did things change!  They aren't cute little boys anymore saying, "I help you Mommy!"  They are grown men who are saving money for the things they are going to want to buy or do later.  

As much as we would like to think that everything we are investing in young people will reap rewards later, that isn't necessarily true.  Instead, you might one day get, "You only did what you were supposed to do Mother!  What do you expect from me?  I have a partner, my own children...I have dreams, goals..."  So all that spending dear Mom, trying to put smiles on children's faces, while saving your husband lots of money, does what later on?  Well, I recall what I observed one day while riding the bus into work, I saw senior citizens standing in Food Bank lines (and that was years before COVID 19).  What I witnessed were seniors with expressions like the woman above.  What I heard from other seniors were their being "tired, so tired of working!"

When I see how my elders are reaping the consequences of much spending over the years, I realize that as much as I love my children, I also understand why I have to put them in God's hands and leave them there!  I can't do everything for any of them and I'm not going to break my bank or my back trying to!  I appreciate their gratitude, "Thanks Mom!" but that doesn't pay bills.

So here's to a happy financial new years for us all!  Cut back on the spending and start saving more!  

Nicholl McGuire blog owner and contributor and the author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

A Fellow Believer in Christ Speaks about Latina Issues, Faith and Her Mother's Passing

Corrupt Communications Between Mother & Daughter

The Men Who Do Not Love The Mothers of Their Children

Gifts for the Mothers To Be, New Mom Gift Ideas

We give back to our new moms, those women who want very much to be good moms!  They have a long road ahead and they will need all the support they can get.  I have been around my share of pregnant women most recently and I will tell you that to feel their excitement about being a mom soon is catchy!  I like that they are eager about their new endeavor with their newborn.  I also don't mind giving to them either.  The last gift for one new mom was diapers, wipes and a gift card.  She was very grateful and mentioned that she had never seen so many diapers in such a large box.  Us moms know how new babies go through diapers!  So to save some time shopping, I included gifts below that new moms these days would absolutely appreciate!  Happy giving and thanks for supporting this blog!

Selfish Parenting Doesn't Draw Children Near

Think about yourself when you parent, go ahead.  You want your children to do everything that you think is righteous and true.  You take your children to places you think they will enjoy.  You give them things only when you feel they deserve them.  Your children aren't individuals, they are a reflection of you.  Then you cry later when they grow up to be everything that you didn't want them to be!  Yep, selfish parenting at its finest.

I recall a relative once told me that I was born to the most selfish parents she knew.  My heart sank.  I  didn't want to believe that.  She started giving me examples and warned me not to be that way with my children.  She said that she had been concerned that my mother and I would not be close because of the things she had observed when I was very young.

Decades later, her prophecy was accurate.  We weren't close and I finally came to terms with the truth that yes, there are those parents including my own, that parented based on what they wanted from their children who agreed to be near not what their children could become who chose to be far.  They expected more from us (particularly emotionally) then they were willing to give.  We were to be available while they took and took some more, because we "owed" them.  They pushed us and pushed us some more in everything they knew about it concerning us, because they were concerned about what "others" thought of "our kind" that they pushed their own offspring away.  We were spanked or whipped.  We were used and abused.  We were told that we were loved, but "go away...don't stick around for long...I'm busy."  Then I became a parent...uh oh.

I got four tries to get it right.  Four tries not to make my parenting be about me.  I started off fine wanting what any parent wants for their children: a roof over my babies heads, clothes on their backs, food in their bellies, and a quality education.  But in time, things got a bit more complex.  I found myself making decisions for them without asking.  I was strict, I coddled, I enabled, I got angry...I was selfish.  

When they wanted to do something else other than what I suggested, I didn't like their bright ideas, "Why not try this or that?" I would steer.  I wasn't winning them I was losing, they were growing distant in their diapers--lol.  How would I reel those babies back in?  I wouldn't.  I had to allow them to want to have a relationship with me instead of swat at me or curse me in their baby language.  They had to explore on their own while I watched.  The atmosphere was safe, locked, protected with every safety device I could find.  It was okay to play with their toys a bit longer.  It was okay for them to pick out their toys while we were out, eventually it became okay for them to put down the old toys and buy new ones--it was all so okay!  Why was I stressing myself out trying to manage everyone and everything?

Those babies got older, they had an opinion whether they cried or talked about it.  I didn't agree with their outbursts or their reasoning at times, but it was okay to listen.  I wasn't losing any authority as a parent.  They said they wanted to be friends with and go and visit a friend...I didn't need to pick who that friend might be by listing everything that might be wrong with Jane or John Doe.  It's okay.

Had I fought them on every thing they selected and yelled at them for everything they did that didn't reflect a good example of us parents, they wouldn't be the nice young men they are today.  Had I made every battle about me, they wouldn't be speaking to me rather they would be running far, far away.  Had I not permitted them to fly like eagles, they would hate me.

Parenting wasn't about me, it was about them, preparing them for life.  Most of the work had to come from them.  So, in some strange twisted way despite our not getting off to a great start, I am close to my children without being smothering close.  I am cool with my children without being immature.  We all are open to sharing our views whether we agree or not.

Yeah, selfish parenting is not the way to go, you have to give in order to receive: peace, patience, love and understanding.  I'm still learning.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and When Mother's Cry.

The Widow's Oil - debt, God, resource

Moms We Guide Them to the Track but We Can't Run for Them - They will never learn if we do

Sometimes parenting is like running on a track, you win some and you lose some.  We hope that our children grow up and make us proud, but they have got to not only want to run the race but win too.  Even if they don't win, at least finish the race!