If there is anything that I am learning as I age is I can't be all things to my four sons and I simply can't afford to be so! Over the years, I observed the fathers in the family and how they dealt with financial matters versus how the mothers did. What I saw were men who didn't invest their money into things like for instance, family event planning; rather, they financially planned (investments, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, real estate, worked gigs, etc.).
The fathers didn't have no problem leaving it up to women to do things with the money they earned to: back-to-school shop, household shop, grocery shop, holiday shop, clothes and shoe shop, mall shop, vacation plan, etc. Meanwhile, the basic essentials were handled (rent or mortgage, lights, gas, car insurance...) However, depending on how much money the women obtained, they were expected to help with those things too! After a day of work, the men found a place to sit down and put their feet up! The women continued to work: help with homework, clean, cook, wash clothes, shuttle them off to activities, discipline children, get them to bed, and many of you know the rest, because you are doing it now!
Growing up, I saw those disappointed mothers who simply worked too hard for their money, for love, for approval, for whatever they hoped to gain from many challenged relationships! They were up early and went to bed late at night not at peace, hoping, wishing and praying for easier days with less stress and financial mess! There was never enough money on their end and I know some moms secretly resented the actions of their "cheap" partners who made far more than they did and were less generous too! I didn't like how some of these fathers acted like tightwads either, but I also realized that spending up your last money, no matter who or what it is for, is damn foolish too!
I started looking around my own home, the children's closets, my closet, cabinets, under the bed and so on. I made up in my mind over the years that once I met most needs of the household that certain spending categories were going to be cut significantly while others were no longer going to exist! I met household needs over and over and over again from wash cloths to bedding and from school related things to outings! But there comes a point, especially when children are old enough to do for themselves like cook what we already have in the freezer rather than expect parents or older siblings to buy food from restaurants, when what they claim they "need" is really not a need but a want and it won't be met! It doesn't make me a bad mom for saying, "No" to this or that, it makes me a smart mom!
I have saved hundreds of dollars in saying "no" to holiday event planning and no to vacation planning and no to gift-buying "just because," but in recent years (before COVID) I started feeling a bit sentimental and nostalgic about things I had experienced while listening to people (who mean well), but also were guilty of spending far more money than they were bringing in to vacation plan, holiday plan, etc. I thought, "After you spent all that money, now what? You post photos on Facebook? But would you post a picture of all the debt you are in trying to be everything to everyone?"
After spending hours going over all the spending categories on New Year's day, my head started to hurt. I thought, "I am going to re-evaluate so-called 'needs' and think in terms of my getting older and what those needs are going to look like!"
You see, when you get older, adult sons and daughters don't meet your every need! You are blessed if you get a call or text with a "Happy New Year" or "Happy Birthday! or Happy Mother's Day!" or an occasional gift that was useful or maybe not--lol! I have four sons. Two of them, who are now 20 and 21, are out of the house. Some of you who have been reading for years, you told me, "...wait until they get older" they changed and so did things change! They aren't cute little boys anymore saying, "I help you Mommy!" They are grown men who are saving money for the things they are going to want to buy or do later.
As much as we would like to think that everything we are investing in young people will reap rewards later, that isn't necessarily true. Instead, you might one day get, "You only did what you were supposed to do Mother! What do you expect from me? I have a partner, my own children...I have dreams, goals..." So all that spending dear Mom, trying to put smiles on children's faces, while saving your husband lots of money, does what later on? Well, I recall what I observed one day while riding the bus into work, I saw senior citizens standing in Food Bank lines (and that was years before COVID 19). What I witnessed were seniors with expressions like the woman above. What I heard from other seniors were their being "tired, so tired of working!"
When I see how my elders are reaping the consequences of much spending over the years, I realize that as much as I love my children, I also understand why I have to put them in God's hands and leave them there! I can't do everything for any of them and I'm not going to break my bank or my back trying to! I appreciate their gratitude, "Thanks Mom!" but that doesn't pay bills.
So here's to a happy financial new years for us all! Cut back on the spending and start saving more!
Nicholl McGuire blog owner and contributor and the author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.
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