When Mom is Gone and No One Seems to Care

Looking on the outside in, I sat and watched two women cry their eyes out about their deceased mother who passed in 2013.  The sisters could barely speak as they thanked a man who had helped their mother during her dying days.  It seemed unreal watching the three wipe tears away.  I felt cold, distant, and couldn't allow myself to become too attached to what I was viewing.  Afterward, I thought of my own mother who our family almost lost twice. 


The first time due to an aneurysm and the next an unexpected heart attack.  I sighed and the fleeting thought came, "One day your mom will go too."  However, it doesn't have to be that way.  I recalled a conversation I had with my grandmother who saw her daughter in a dream lying in a casket.  Far too often sons and daughters leave this world before parents.  Some can't handle the pain of a loss ad stay away from others as if they are fearful that death is catchy.  Others come around but are selfish seeking only what they can get now or in the future.  Then there are those who genuinely care and don't ask for anything, rather they make deposits in our lives.


This is a tough time of year for many who have lost their mothers and other kin.  They are sorrowful, angry, bitter, jealous, peaceful, sad, depressed, you name it, but what they aren't is dead.  The grieving are still breathing, human beings that have souls whether they feel like they have them or not.  So while some will be holiday shopping, planning meals once again, and making travel arrangements, let us remember those who are still with us saddened as a result of death.  They might need a hug, a phone call, or someone to simply say, "I love you."  But you will never know unless you try.  It helps.


Nicholl McGuire also contributes and maintains Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate - the blog here.
You can also check her audios/videos out at YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

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Feeling Tired, Miserable? Make this Your First and Last Event You Host

Those mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers, who can make 10 pies, several sheet cakes, a huge holiday spread with four plus sides and a few too many meats to choose from, are typically skilled at their crafts when it comes to cooking.  These ladies can also wear smiles while doing it, act polite, and tend to their guests' needs.  Their homes are clean and everyone feels welcome.  However, not every woman can pull this off.

Some mothers will try, God bless them.  Yet, something usually lacks whether it is the taste of food, the uncleanliness of the household, unruly children, or something else, holiday preparation is just too much for some people.  They will want their visitors to be kind, understanding, polite, etc. about their short-comings.  But when you are dealing with family and close friends, they will offer constructive criticism and will advise against hosting if you miserably fail--be it right or wrong, truth is truth. 

Hosts that are not use to being hospitable, preparing large meals, decorating homes, and disciplining children will have a hard time receiving feedback.  The best thing any person, who has took on such a feat can do, is either learn from the experience and plan better next time or make the holiday event your first and last.  Sometimes partners will advise against wives/girlfriends doing such things from the start, not just because event planning is costly, but also because they know their women aren't good at it and so the men too become tired and miserable listening to all the negativity that comes with holiday prepping.  Unfortunately, some marriages are severely tested because women want to play the role of Superwoman, but only end up being worn-out and cranky women.

Depending on the type of personalities your visitors have will determine just how supportive they really are.  Those guests, who mean well, will offer to pitch in and help even though some stubborn hosts will refuse their service--they should take it.  Others will sit back and watch the movie, so to speak.  If it ends well, so be it, but if not, they will come away from the event with much to talk about including the negative attitude of the host, her unsupportive mate, and her disrespectful or wild children.

When one feels tired and miserable due to holiday planning and all that comes with it, know that others see this.  It would be best to learn early on to delegate responsibility if you should plan to do this annually or for each holiday.  Otherwise, you will burnout before the holiday season really gets underway and no one wants to see a crying mother during a time that is supposed to be heart-warming.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual wisdom at YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

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Is it Really Worth House-Hopping this Holiday Season?

He complains about his wife's side of the family and she can't stand his, yet a family member gets the bright idea to have everyone (good, bad and otherwise) over their home for Thanksgiving, then Christmas and how about New Years too?  For some of you, who are over-the-top with the celebrating, reading this, don't expect so much!


Depending on what part of the world you live in, you just might be stuck in the house for hours due to bad weather at someone's home.  You also might have to put up with a partner who will be saying, "I told you we shouldn't have come...I really wish we hadn't left home..." while you wait for the storms to pass.


House-hopping is definitely worth the effort if you know for sure this is something that all parties agree on.  Who wouldn't miss visiting a favorite aunt or an awesome grandfather who has goodies at their homes?  No one would pass up an opportunity to see mom if she is in good spirits and prepares great meals while treating her family with some love and respect.  However, when there is frequent family discord and people act miserably with one another, you have to wonder, "Why bother?"  When you know there is a history of ugly people acting ugly, why subject your relatives to their foolishness?


Many families risk their lives traveling to see relatives only to come back home ready to spank the kids, divorce the spouse, and put the pet outdoors in the cold for messing up the house.  Then to make matters worse, the bills will be coming in and monies will be short. Those determined to get family together often don't consider all of the issues that come when trying to get to a holiday event especially one that is out of town during the winter season. 


Save yourself and your family the head, heart and butt ache, choose where you will spend the holidays wisely and don't force everyone to comply when it is obvious that some folks simply don't like being around certain family members.


Happy Holidays!


Nicholl McGuire, YouTuber channel: nmenterprise7


Nicholl is the author of the following books:

Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic https://www.createspace.com/3437273
When Mothers Cry https://www.createspace.com/3393499
Laboring to Love Myself https://www.createspace.com/3401526
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate https://www.createspace.com/3332346
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail...
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail...

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6 Things You Can Do When a Mother is Mentally Troubled

Raising her children is something she just doesn't want to do lately, no one really knows why, but the mother is acting quite strangely around the children.  She use to make sure they were bathed, fed, the house clean, their in school, and relatives got to see them, but not anymore.  The mother acts depressed, uncaring, rude, or sometimes abusive to family, friends and her own children.


Gossiping about the mother's issues is not going to keep the children safe.  Threatening to violently attack the poor mom is not the way to go either.  Put aside personal beliefs, emotions, and ridiculous statements and stick to what matters, the mother's well-being and the safety of the children.


Some things people can do when faced with a situation where a mother is simply not acting like herself and the children look like they are being neglected:


1.  Make the time to talk with her away from the children.


Ask questions gently.  Avoid arguing.  Find out what or who is causing her stress lately.  Offer to assist her with her problem(s) if you can or direct her to some help.


2.  Converse with children in front of mom and also when she isn't present.


Notice any changes in their demeanor.  Do they appear comfortable with her?  Do they act afraid, worried or nervous whether in her presence or away from her?  Do they wish to be away from her?


3.  Speak with concerned loved ones.


Tell them what you know, but be selective on what you say, because you don't know if there is a relative who secretly wants her children.  Ask them to assist with whatever tasks the mother is having trouble keeping up with until she appears to be mentally/physically strong again.


4.  Note your findings.  Check for patterns in odd behavior discuss with a nurse and schedule a doctor's appointment if necessary.


Sometimes a serious illness may be ongoing, so you may want to exercise caution.  Be sure the environment is safe.  Protect yourself.


5.  Assist with cooking, cleaning and caring for children.


As much as some people like to avoid these things, when someone is obviously in trouble, now is not the time to make excuses.  Do what you can to help.  Offer to watch children after you have discovered what is causing major upset in the home.


6.  Meet with other relatives and have a family meeting if there is no sign of change.


If after issues have been discussed, services has been provided, appointments have been met, and there is still no change, call a family meeting with a plan that includes temporarily separating mother from children until she can get the help she needs.


Things happen and not every mom is able to care for children all the time.  Keep this in mind before assuming the worse, acting judgmental, or enlisting the help of other critical family members.  Not every mental illness is permanent.  Many moms who once were faced with mental challenges do heal (ie. post-partum depression, PMS, Perimenopause, Menopause, work-related stress, marital conflict, drug and alcohol addictions, etc.)


Nicholl McGuire

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Baby, Career, Husband, and Everything else! When Over-the-Top Mom Wants it All Done Now

When is enough, enough for some moms?  When she has had a nervous breakdown, severe migraine, a death of a child, a divorce, a lost limb, or something far worse!  These mothers will go and go against all sound advice just to meet needs they think are important and need to be tended to right now. 

The baby is crying, the husband is complaining, and the job is demanding, and all the while career moms cry, "I'm okay, No really I'm fine.  I'm not worried...yes I need to go to the doctor, but..."

For some mothers, they will not live long, they just won't.  It doesn't matter whether she is No-name Nancy or A-list Jane, the two will find their spirits removed from their bodies while they walk around looking at what others are doing in a world they no longer belong to.  Why?  Because they believe that everything needs to be completed, dealt with, bought, created, and produced NOW!

Wild parties while parenting troubled children, some moms don't believe they should give up anything, "It's all about me!" Some boast.  If they want to do something as soon as possible, they will gather up everyone and everything to get it done while complaining about the dismal results.  Plans are not well-thought out, consideration of others' time and feelings fall on deaf ears, and unfortunately these extremely busy and wild mommies tend not to be the generous types when it comes to their own family.   Meanwhile, other moms, who may not be so busy but have their share of issues, live lives that if only their families knew, they would be disowned.  What these mothers have in common are: impatience, greed, self-indulgence, and most of all pride.  They love bragging about what they won't tolerate, settle for, deal with, or put up with including children and partners.

Money-loving, greedy mothers who just can't get enough of networking, working long hours away from home, spending much money on meaningless things, and being a part of this thing and that one, miss out on the most meaningful things in life.  What might they be?  Those quiet times where one doesn't need to do, buy, say, or plan anything, just observe.  Sit back and listen to one's Creator, enjoy good times without being the center of attention, and do something good for someone else without repayment.  But this is simply too much to ask of some mothers.  Even their own mothers have warned them, "Slow down.  Stop talking so much.  Stop doing all that.  Take a break.  Do better.  Make wiser decisions."  But stubborn, impatient moms let wisdom go in one ear and out the other.  If it doesn't make her look good, get her excited, and have a price tag on it, she ain't buying it! 

Partners have threatened to leave these over-the-top moms.  Children cry for their mother's attention, but she keeps right on traveling, having fun--just doing what she feels like when she wants.  This obsession with making one's self feel good derives from years and years of disappointments and not having any sense of control of one's own life, so she feels like anyone who comes in contact with her owes her something. 

During their lifetimes, some mothers permitted far too many people to run their lives in their youth, so once they reach an age where they feel in control, they go wild!  They are running around like chickens with their heads cut off!  They want to be the leader, supervisor, creator, producer, wife, mommy for the fifth plus time, and any other title they can get their hands on. 

Although it all seems so good in the beginning when their prayers seem to be getting answered, gradually all the "God did...but I still want...still need" becomes nothing more than a problem.  What the mother once called, "a blessing" becomes "a curse."  She is using far too many bad words to describe how she feels.  The disappointed "I need everything right now" mom finds herself resenting her married life and children.  When tough times present themselves, she wishes to be anywhere that makes her feel in control, fuels her fire, and makes her feel appreciated; hence, the long hours at work for starters.

If you are experiencing something like this or know someone who is, consider creating a plan that permits you to have more free time with those who really matter.  Sometimes the additional activities we get involved in take up so much time that we exhibit many negative feelings that have little to do with the family, and everything to do with the many tasks at hand.

Feel free to check out Nicholl's spiritual insight on a variety of subjects at YouTube http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7
 

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