Fathers Gone All the Time - Mothers Left to Care for Children

He has his itinerary for the day and it doesn't include you and the children.  He drives around as if single.  You may be in a relationship with someone like this.  Angry that this man who claims he loves you is acting like he doesn't even know you.

When a mother comes to a point in her intimate relationship where she is fed up with a partner, she will either do one of two things, she will get even or she will focus on the needs of her family void of him.

Some fathers just don't get it when it comes to having a family.  He may be the breadwinner or not, but whatever his role, there are family members who need him more than he might realize.  For some fathers, they are becoming distant from the family because they have allowed themselves to become so distracted with what is going on outside the home.  Others fight for a life they once had that wasn't comprised of wife, kids, pets, etc.  Still others just want to be fathers without being told to act like fathers--whatever that might mean to mothers.

With so much frustration going on at home, the father disappears for awhile.  Some leave home to never return.  Others find a dwelling that they can go to periodically without family.  But for many dads they disappear in front of a television, computer or some other device.  Children are often playing alone while mothers maintain house, children, and check-in with relatives and friends.

Now with so much responsibility, a mother who is simply fed up with a father who may be physically or mentally absent from his family, may not be the best wife, lover or friend.  She will scream, curse, cry or even shake up the family home when dad doesn't bother to acknowledge his family.

It isn't any wonder why some mothers leave the family home never to return.  If a dad can't see that his inactions are driving his mate mad then he is in a poor state of mind.  The children will cry out to their father wanting to know, "What happened to mommy?"  While he comes up with yet another excuse, "I don't know...maybe she just doesn't love us anymore."  Rather than saying, "I wasn't very nice to your mother.  I didn't really care about her feelings.  I should have paid closer attention to the family."

So what is the solution really when it comes to fathers being distant and mothers frustrated because they aren't doing their part to keep the family whole?  Well it all depends on whether the man of the house can see how his absence is breaking the family down.  Is the mother communicating her concerns?  Is she providing examples?  Does she do her part to keep the family whole or are her words breaking the family down?  What is it that the father is or isn't doing that is causing so much turmoil in the house and is he willing to let go of those things?  Does he even want his family?

Some men don't want to be fathers.  I remember a relative who tried the family life and he said it wasn't for him.  He left the house and he didn't come back.  As much as the mother tried to have a distant relationship with the father and at times forced his son on him, to no avail.  The father was adamant he didn't want to be with her or the child.  They were mistakes he rather not live with for the rest of his life.  This man has since died.  But I share this true story because it demonstrates the fact that when a man doesn't want a family--he means it.  So how might you detect that a father might be checking out?

1.  He use to talk to everyone in the family and do nice things, now he doesn't.  Often uses the excuse of not having any money, but you notice he has money to spend on himself.
2.  At one time, he encouraged the family members in their games, projects, etc. and did his part to assist whenever needed, now he doesn't.
3.  He not only visits family and friends, he stays at their homes for weeks at a time.
4.  He avoids phone calls, emails, texts and other forms of communication from his immediate family members.  He may lie or make up excuses as to why he can't return phone calls.
5.  He started packing items in boxes and bags as if he is ready to go somewhere.
6.  He has various rental guides for apartments rather than homes that could fit the whole family.
7.  He acts uninterested in anything you and the children say.
8.  He is quick-tempered, mean and doesn't want to talk about his feelings.
9.  He frequently tells family he wants to be left alone and doesn't want to be bothered even when no one is really saying or doing much to bother him.
10.  He seems to be more concerned about what is going on outside the home ie.) sporting events, women, job etc. to the point that he rarely stays at home when he knows everyone will be up and about. He may often leave very early in the morning and come home very late at night.

When considering the above points, keep in mind whether the father has changed his routine.  Also, don't just take a single point and run with it, ask yourself what else might he be saying or doing that is making you feel like he doesn't want to be in a relationship or at home helping raise the children.  He may be going through a difficult time that may not have anything to do with the family.  Watch as well as pray.

Nicholl McGuire

When You are a Thorn in Someone Else's Flesh

You didn't think your issues would grow into anything more than just that, your issues.  But then you opened your mouth or someone noticed something about you and now what you are going through seems like it has become frontpage news.

In the Christian Bible, the Apostle Paul talks about a thorn in his flesh, a personal problem he had that God had yet to remove.  Whatever that something was that Paul struggled with, the Bible doesn't say, but even a man of God had his share of issues and God still used him anyway.  This proves that you don't have to have it altogether to be used by God despite what ministers, teachers, and one's self-righteous parents or grandparents claim.  We also know that Mary had her share of problems brought on, not by man, but by God.  A young girl who would carry a child that wasn't her fiance's out of wedlock.  Imagine the shame she experienced.  So what do these two characters have in common? God, a heavenly Creator who didn't take all troubles away despite being chosen by Him.  Critics of these two people's lives had much to say during biblical times.  It didn't matter what God was doing to draw men and women closer to Him, there were going to be those who criticized, ridiculed, and did whatever else to God's chosen people.  If you are a believer, then you know that you are marked by an enemy to keep drama going in your life.  It is how you handle that drama that makes a difference.

For some readers, you may have brought some situations on yourself and you aren't proud of them. God may have used your unfortunate issues to bring glory to Him.  But whatever you are going through, a critic might be talking about your thorn, your calling, your project, your child or something else.  This person may be responsible for keeping you upset, but you don't have to stay that way.

I recall when I became pregnant with my first child.  It was then that I learned who was friend and who was foe.  Those who once invited the childless me to church and other places, didn't want to have much to do with me when they heard I was expecting.  I was in my early twenties, didn't have much money, periodically attended church, and low and behold unmarried and pregnant.  Did God abandon me because of my situation?  No.  He loved me anyway.  I didn't stop talking about Him because of my poor choices.  I casted my burdens on Him, confessed sin, and asked my Lord to help me and put me around wise people.  In my own strength, I attempted to make wrongs right by marrying my child's father.  But I learned later in life, that if God doesn't want you to do something, it doesn't matter what society says or what you feel is right at the time, he has his reasons.  Wrongs could have been made right in his time and not my own.  As a result, I am divorced today.  God had a better plan, but I didn't see it back then because I was more concerned about what people thought.

There were other times in my life I noticed that when I was no longer giving money to certain groups, due to my family responsibilities, so-called Do-Gooders' calls, letters and gifts stopped coming.  The issues that I was dealing with didn't welcome help, rather they only brought on negative talk by critics, a self-righteous and mean-spirited bunch.  Back to God for wisdom and strength. 

Somehow your issues become others' issues.  Yet, God has his way of taking poor, miserable you and turning you around to be rich in favor with Him.  How does he do that?  By taking a magnifying glass and showing you your  self-righteous critics' errors who think they are "better, good, kind, sweet, nice, successful..."  He doesn't do this so that you can parade around and say to your enemies, "Aha!  I knew you were nothing but a..."  Rather, your Holy Father teaches you via your struggles as well as your naysayers' issues that these people aren't better than you and you aren't better than anyone else--what a humbling experience! 

God shows you that wisdom can be found not only in good decision-making but poor choices too if you draw near to Him.  Some of us are simply too hard-headed at times to just take the easy routes in life, we have to fall hard before we can see the light.  Our Creator gives us a plan for our lives to do things like:  come up higher (ie. don't act petty, worry or plot revenge), be free from issues (ie. emotional, spiritual and physically binding relationships/partnerships), and the bravery to stand up to enemies.

I know that some of you are seeking knowledge that will get you out of your current dilemmas, and I am sure you will find it.  But just remember, there are people and then there are souls--the flesh may die, but the soul doesn't.  As much as you would like to poke someone with your thorn, don't.  One day we all will sit in judgment for the pain and suffering we have caused others if we don't confess sin and repent now for what we have done or are doing to self and others. 

If you or someone you know is hurt because of someone else's actions or in-actions about a matter, know that God will avenge in his time, not yours.  Take your burdens to Him and leave them there!  Don't keep talking about your problems with others when solutions are already on the way--move on! 

To God be the glory!

Nicholl McGuire 

New Parents: On Getting Children to Talk

Once your children are able to walk, talk and be away from you, you might want to converse with them about things that will make them aware of people, places and things that could quite possibly cause them harm.  Don't leave it up to the school to teach your children about things like good touch and bad touch, good manners and bad ones, and stranger danger.  Create your own lesson plans and start talking!

Discuss good touch, bad touch.

Tell children about protecting their private parts and not allowing adults and children to touch them unless they are hurt.  If so, show them how doctors touch and teachers so that they recognize what is good and bad touch.  Verbalize what would be considered bad touch and tell them why they shouldn't let people hurt them.

Talk about good girls and guys, bad guys and girls.

These conversation works well with the previous one, because it tells children that not everyone who smiles, laughs or brings them something nice is a friend.  Show them examples of children who were hurt because they followed a man to a car.  Role-play with someone or with their toy figures so that children further understand what you mean.

Encourage children to share stories about their days.

You can use their daily experiences to teach them other things like: how to be polite, how to share, how to act when others are acting badly, and more.  Sometimes you can use a book, a toy or someone to trigger thoughts in your child's mind about things they did or said while you were away.  Ask questions about how something made them feel and what they did to handle a situation.  Always smile and watch your tone of voice so that children will want to talk to you.  Don't tell them what you will do to someone because they did something to your child.  You don't want your child to be scared and start keeping secrets because they don't want to anger you--so act calmly.

Draw pictures or do other projects with your child.

Children will talk more especially boys when they are busy with something else like building something, eating, drawing, or putting something away, so do invite your child to talk by using the activities they are doing to start dialoging.

Use gifts, money, candy, fun places to visit, and other things to keep children talking.

When you give children nice things because they are doing such a "good job, playing nicely, being polite"  they will be more likely to continue conversing with you.

Be watchful for other opportunities to talk and teach your children.  Make yourself approachable.  Sometimes simply sitting down and watching a child play or do something else will move him or her to come over and talk to you. 

Many children grow up to be some of the best communicators because they had people around them who enjoyed talking and listening to them.


Nicholl McGuire also maintains a parenting blog here.

Teach Your Children to Listen to God

May this video be a blessing to you when teaching your children about being obedient to the Lord!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88vMUtwbgdI

Selfish Parents: Those Who Don't Love Children Enough

Selfish Parents: Those Who Don't Love Children Enough