Stressed Mothers - Being Everything to Everyone

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years - How I Avoided the Holidays for Over a Decade

You would think a wife and mother of four sons would be all in for the holidays year after year after year.   Throw in the in-laws and one's own family and now you have a cesspool of money spent, stress levels reaching unknown levels, and some of you all know the rest.  But I avoided all of that for over a decade and here's how I did it.

1)  I stated my thoughts about the holiday season and let people know upfront I didn't have the time or money to acknowledge their requests for gifts.  My reasons for not celebrating ranged from spiritual to financial.

2)  I didn't encourage my children to ask myself or others for gifts.  Why would I do that when I was already meeting their needs throughout the year?  If they wanted anything they could ask other times of the year rather than burden others during a time when they were already financially strapped.  Those narcissistic individuals could never blame us that we were selfish, ungrateful, greedy, or needy after the holidays like they did with others.

3)  I didn't accept invites to holiday gatherings nor did I volunteer my services when I knew full well that holidays wasn't my thing.

4)  I redirected my money toward bills that needed to be paid and timed large payments and payoffs accordingly so that I wouldn't be tempted to buy anything during the holiday season.

5)  I didn't spend my hard-earned money decorating the halls while the fathers (two) of my children held on to theirs for personal spending and retirement.

6)  I made no promises or commitment to anyone that I would be buying anything for them now or in the future.

7)  I made myself unavailable to receive phone calls near that time so that I wouldn't be guilted by the manipulative ones about being a Scrooge, mean or whatever other label they put on me.  Too much disrespect, so-called joking, and I cut them off.

You can utilize these tips and find peace for you and your household in the short and/or long term.  It isn't going to be easy implementing most of these tips in your life when you have already spoiled everyone with your gift-giving.  However, once you start setting boundaries early on, you will find that you aren't stressed like others during the holiday season.  Besides, one of the major things I did (save the best for last) was I prayed and allowed God to direct my steps.  Of course, you won't be immune to the holiday planning, gift-giving, and other things that occur year after year for always, but what you will escape is the drama and trauma brought on by self and others during the holidays because you simply choose to rise above it while moving far away from idol worship!

Happy holidays!

Nicholl McGuire

Halloween Fun and Foolishness

I didn't see puberty coming.  It came too fast! Two of my four sons are going through it.  From the cracking voices to the occasional comments about something changing, growing, aching, or downright annoying!  They are content one day seated in front of their gaming devices and angry the other wanting to beat each other up.  Dull days are few and far in between in my household especially this past Halloween.  The devil was busy!  Leading up to the holiday, the atmosphere seemed tense.  You felt like something was about to happen but you didn't quite know what it was.  The unseen and unexplained challenging moments in a day tend to show up sometimes with a clue to brace yourself, but not always those full blown signs to take cover.

Let me start by saying that Halloween is not a holiday I like or celebrate, but this year was different.  I felt pressured by the children the night before when they were rattling the door knob while I took a shower.  They were making random noises to jolt a scare.  These boys were all-too-excited for no apparent reason, and I simply didn't connect the dots at first, oh yea, Halloween.

Well, I wasn't taking their scare tactics lightly, oh no!  The tables were going to turn like they did on Friday the 13th back in 2017.  Back then they tried to scare me again, waiting for me to come out the bathroom while one son yelled at the door in a creepy voice, "Hey Mom, are you in there pooping, ha, ha, ha!"  You can check the short movie out, their fear was real, see here.  Well if I was, I wouldn't have a pleasant bowel movement of peace and quiet, now would I?  I came out that bathroom to a pitch black house just the light from the bathroom shined in the hallway.  Uh oh.  So they wanted to play games in the dark, well let's begin!  Let's just say by the time I was finished with them, they didn't try anything else again until this year.

October 30th I made sure that I moved through the house like a track star.  All lights cut off, doors semi-cracked, and the sounds of thumping and bumping with a periodic pause in between.  They thought they were ready for me with their creepy music and their flickering lights.  A loud "booh" and a scream, sent them running in the dark.  Of course, it was a dangerous game, someone could get hurt.  Well there was a lesson to be learned when a child attempts to scare his mother while at the same time just having fun.

I caught the youngest coming up the stairs.  I laid low and watched him through the staircase.  He looked up and there I was with a loud, "Booh!"  He tripped down the stairs and caught himself by catching the rail.  The middle son decided to boldly walk over to the basement door assuming that I may not be there, that was just too obvious so he thought.  He opened that cracked door, didn't he know from watching thrillers you don't go to a dark opened door?  There I was, "Booh!"  Shook him enough and he too took off running.  Then there was my second eldest standing at about 6'2" so he thought he had more courage than them all, well he didn't!  He practically knocked his brothers over running to the bathroom to lock himself in.  The eldest son wasn't a part of the action he has his own place now, "lucky" or I mean blessed for him--lol.

For years, I told these kids about Halloween, but sometimes you have to show them, better than you can tell them.  I'm grateful that no one got hurt.

Nicholl McGuire

The Spider Mother - based on Nicholl's book Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

When a Partner Doesn't Listen to Your Cry, Children Could Care Less

Ever been frustrated when attempting to communicate your concerns to a partner?  He or she shrugs, fakes interest, or responds in a tone that brings out the worse in you.  Meanwhile, children couldn’t care less that the dispute was instigated by what they said or didn’t do. 

No one heard the instruction, caution, or anger spewing out of your voice attempting to keep something from occurring days or even weeks prior.  The day goes on.  Mom is the crazy one and everyone else is sane.

When your family doesn’t hear you, there are times where you have to be like an annoying fly until they do.  Of course, they will want to do what they can to make you go away, but persistent moms get the job done.  Whether they post reminders all over the house, call twice a day plus send texts checking in on their troubled children, or stand in the living room with a bullhorn to get everyone to stop fighting, Mom knows that some activities require un-divided attention.  She may have to take children’s favorite items out of rooms in order for homework to be completed and cut off time spent with favorite relatives and friends until matters at home are addressed. 

When her relationship is begging for aid, Mom might go out of her way to change her entire appearance, cook a full spread meal, and purchase her husband’s favorite drinks just to say, “I love you!”  Her husband may be oblivious as to what is happening with her, at home and the children due to work obligations.  As crazy as some of this might sound, there just is no getting through to some people with tough personalities without some attention-grabbing action.  

Now you may not be like that over-the-top with getting results from your family, and the truth be told neither am I.  I am not the type who stands on a soap box yelling at the top of my lungs, wearing a Tutu trying to get my family to hear me.  Yet, whatever creative or not-so creative way you come up with, the objective Mom is to get someone in that house to hear your cry before you do something that you might later regret!

Many mothers are killing themselves softly inside, because they refuse to voice their concerns about things like: their children’s school progress, their husband’s infidelity, the busy-body in-laws, an addiction that has crept up out of nowhere, internal pain and suffering, etc.  These so-called Super Moms believe that by “keeping the peace” and balancing everything under the sun they are doing the right thing.  However, what they are really doing is building ticking time bombs on the inside.  If only some deceased husbands and babies knew before they were placed six feet down in their graves. 

What a mother chooses to do to communicate with her stubborn family members has to be attention-grabbing, functional, within reason, and most of all out of love.  Not only are you expecting your family to hear you, but you have to be willing to hear them too.  As I have said awhile ago, a lot of Moms are leaving this world before their partners.  They are exhausted with having to work jobs that they don’t like or require long hours, manage household, care for children, check on relatives, catch up with friends, run errands, follow-up with doctors, take prescription medicines, plan holiday events, and more.  They are running themselves ragged!

I shared with my children one day what I needed from them.  I repeatedly told them about chores, posted the lists where they could see them, and asked them about homework.  I reminded them of the consequences.  They have since had to learn the hard way.  I sat down with my husband on many occasions communicating my concerns about many things respectfully, angrily, and silently.  When issues aren’t addressed once again there are consequences.  As much as you don’t want to see any of your family members suffer, there comes a point where what you are feeling inside transfers on to them simply because there is an unwillingness to change.  There is more to life then one’s personal comfort, routine, and what he or she feels is “right” to them. 

Quality families are built on trust, communication, respect, and love.  Without these things, they are destined to fail.  I told my children one day, “When I walk out this room, I trust that you are going to do what I told you…I respect you, but I don’t like your not listening…I love you but I don’t have to like what you are doing.  If your brother (or anyone) is doing something you don’t like and after you told him and he is still doing the same thing, you come tell me and I will deal with him.”  They know not to keep things bottled inside, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of the same thing.  Don’t be worried or fearful about irritating or angering one of your relatives because you need some cooperation from them!

Share your cry today with someone whether online or offline who needs to understand what is bothering you, why you aren’t your typical happy self, and what you might need to help you get through another day! 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.