Too Much or Too Little Responsibilty Given to Children?

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Imperfect Mother, No Perfect Children - book excerpt Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire

The dedicated daughter or son who tried over the years to be perfect in the eyes of her imperfect mother is desperate for compliments, adoration and other similar things, because these children got either too much praise from their self-righteous mothers or too little. These grown children hope, expect, and appreciate people showering their mother's with admiration. However, there is a side effect to all the outside attention that they don't like and don't want to put up with and that is the comparison statements that come afterward. “Everyone else thinks I'm a good mother... why don't you all?  Your friends appreciate me more than you!”

Connecting with your own stressed out mother can cause stress for you and your baby.

Her need of attention isn't worth a miscarriage.

Mrs. Perfect plays victim and the “My own children don't love me” card to guilt them. She felt disrespected, unappreciated, and didn’t feel she had a voice with her own mother, so now she expects her children to fill the void. She prides herself on her self-righteous act that is enabled through community involvement, job performance, degrees, and accolades. With so much going on with her, you can't tell her she can't do any wrong, but she can and she will. If only she could be honest with herself and those around her, the perfect act would be unnecessary. These women work far too much to build reputations and even harder to keep those around them in line. Too much work for such a short time to live on planet earth.

Try this simple exercise. Say, “I’m not perfect.” Now say it again. Say it like you mean it. What is happening on the inside every time you say this? If you are sincere, there should be a weight coming off of you. If not, and you still carry affirmations within that sound like you believe yourself to be right, perfect, always honest, and other similar thoughts, then not only did you read about someone you know, you just might be the one described previously dumping your false sense of self on to your children.

The next time someone points out one of your faults, notice how you feel on the inside, listen to the words that come out of your mouth, and watch how you and the individual react to one another. Those who look to be validated on their perfection, praised for their actions, wish to be the center of attention, and other related things, will defend, argue, act vengeful, and cause the one who is pointing out their flaws some degree of discomfort. Just like the mother who thought her self to be perfect, so to her daughter and son can’t stand to be wrong.

“You know you were wrong when you said…I disagreed with that part about…You might want to think twice about…You really hurt my feelings,” the wounded perfect mom will fight even when there is no fight with others. She will act as if she knew someone’s intentions when she really didn’t. “What did you mean when you said…? I’m not wrong, you are! What about that time when you…Don’t judge me!” Rather than simply correct the wrong, she makes a scene, lies or exaggerates, argues with people, talks badly about them, points out your faults, and anything else that will make her appear to be right. Didn’t her mother do those things to her when she pointed out her flaws? History has a way of repeating itself and not for the good either! Then when she realizes she is behaving just like her mother, the woman might humble her self and work toward change or keep up her act of perfectionism until someone calls her out.

Get your copy today, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry (eBook) by Nicholl McGuire

Printed version of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry here

The Joy of Mother's Day to Those who Mean Well

Another major holiday approaches, Mother's Day, awww.  Such a beautiful day for loving, kind, precious, and thoughtful Moms.  However, it isn't the case for those who are incarcerated, toxic, crazy, and controlling.  One of the most painful things I had to do recently was listen to a story of a child who was told to do some despicable things by her mother.  High on drugs, the mother thought that telling her child to participate in a sexual act was okay.  Little did she know, her request would spread like wildfire all the way to the ears of child welfare.

I know what the retailers, family, friends, and past programming says about "Mother's Day" and it is very nice to do something for someone when you feel moved to do so, but there is nothing in the Holy Book that says it is a requirement.  Honoring comes in many ways and not just through a man-made holiday.  Some of us spent most of our lives acknowledging holidays until we got to a place where enough is enough!  How much money, time, and energy does one have to invest year after year after year...Some people have huge families with many mothers, money or time isn't always that generous.

People burden themselves with so many things including Mother's day and other holidays.  Some needy moms cry when their children don't bring them something, call or come by.  Really?  Why take things so personal?  Others threaten children or badmouth when they aren't acknowledged--you're their mom always will always will be. 

Some moms were never fit emotionally or physically to be moms yet they are hoping/wishing/waiting for some kind of pat on the back.  Weren't these the same moms who couldn't wait for their children to grow up and move away and "don't even think about bringing any grandchildren to me?" 

Yes, this holiday has many people twisted mentally even those who forget they weren't into motherhood like other mothers.  Let us all be reminded, you are called "blessed" and favored when you have the right relationship with the one who created you.  Further, you are appreciated and shown respect when you "do to others as you would have them do to you" -- Luke 6:31 (NIV). 

Seriously, some mothers, grandmothers, stepmothers, spiritual mothers and any other mother really need to get over themselves, confess wrongdoing and change from their mean-spirited ways--God sees the good as well as the evil beyond a holiday.

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

School is Almost Out - Don't Be Pushed Into Doing Everything The Kids Want this Summer

Can you believe it?  Funny how time flies.  The children made it through another year and you did too, Mom. Good job!  You didn't do the unthinkable after a teacher said or did something that rubbed you the wrong way.  You didn't go up to the school and hurt that little boy or girl who gave your child misery.  You didn't go off on another parent over stealing a parking space...Congrats Moms everywhere for passing those life tests that grate your nerves.

Now for some of you new moms, it won't be long before you will be shuttling your child off to school.  Are they ready for Kindergarten yet?  If not, start doing the things to get them ready.  So what is on the agenda for the summer?  In a previous blog entry, I spoke about this topic.  But have you Moms made plans yet?

One thing I noticed with each school break was my children's need for not just more stuff (sigh), but they also wanted some downtime that wasn't scheduled with activities (outdoor trips) and nothing was required of them (chores).  With older children, you have to keep this in mind.  No child takes too kindly for long when their days are often dominated by adults. "Hey get ready we are going to...By the way don't forget to do...You really ought to....or else!"

Be sure to have what I called in the past on this blog, "Do nothing time" for the children.  It is a moment in the day where there is nothing but peace and quiet--they do nothing and so do you.  This can happen on weekends if you are a working mom.  They can lie down, sit down, or stare out the window, but the time is meant for life's activity to slow down.  You can play soft music or a slow show to help wind them down.

As much as sons and daughters push us to want to go here and there, buy this, and do that every time they have a school break, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the word, "No...not today.  Mom needs a time-out.  I don't have the money for that...no time for this."  The children might rant, throw things around, etc. due to your resistance, but SO WHAT! Yep, so what.  You can take some things they already have too.  One summer I took my children to the police station, told them ugly stories about some of their relatives who when they were young caused problems and the consequences they received...the anger outbursts were rare and then eventually "do nothing time" was appreciated especially after workbook, flashcard and educational games on the Internet time.  They were wore out--lol.

Mom, don't be bullied into filling every day up with stuff to do for "I'm so bored" children just because they are out of school.  Consider this the debt isn't worth it and before long they will be out the door forgetting about a lot of the stuff you did anyway until they have children of their own--lol.

Nicholl McGuire blog owner and mother of four sons (soon to be young adult, teenager, tween, and almost tween.)

Another blog worth checking out I manage, enjoy! http://parentsbabieschildren.blogspot.com

How To Handle Children During A Separation

Children will need to know that both parents love them.  But if parents are acting in foolish ways, the children will feel like they are all alone and unloved.  So do your best to have a reasonable separation always keeping in mind the children's best interests.

Things to remember:

1. Don’t argue in front of them.

2. Leave your new mates out of the transition process. For instance, they don’t need to be the one who drops them off, walk up to your ex’s doorstep, or even be seen riding with the new girlfriend or boyfriend in the car every time you pick up or drop the children off. On occasion you may be riding with him or her, but don’t make it a habit. Sometimes children just want that time with dad or mom to themselves.

3. Answer questions when the children ask. Discuss possible questions they may ask beforehand with the ex so that both of you will be repeating the same story. They may want to know why mommy and daddy are not together a thousand times, answer them a thousand times.

4. Tell the truth about your feelings toward your ex, once the child becomes an adult and initiates the conversation. Don’t volunteer information.

5. Make the children’s environment pleasant when they come to visit. Clean and comfortable. New bed sheets, cabinets and drawers they can place their toys in, favorite pictures hanging on the walls, a new toy and plans to go somewhere that is fun. Be sure to have favorite foods and treats in the refrigerator and in cabinets, but not in excess. They still need to eat healthy! Don’t watch adult movies, leave adult magazines lying around, look at adult images on the computer and listen to music around them that you know is inappropriate.

6. If you and the new girl or boyfriend, do not live together, when the children are around, make the time for your children. If the children will be staying for the whole summer, then fit in time to spend with the girl or boyfriend, but try not to make it daily. Children will get jealous. Don’t include the mate in all the family activities, go some places without her or him.

7. When children are suddenly misbehaving more, talk with them. Find out how they feel about mom and dad separating, two separate houses, babysitters, new mates and whatever else you may think are causing the changes in behavior.

8. Don’t talk negatively about your ex to the children or in front of them. Conversations about the ex should occur when the children aren’t around. Be sure they are not hiding somewhere in the house eavesdropping on your conversations.

9. Avoid drugs and drinking alcohol around your children. They will tell someone about your partying no matter how much you tell them to not speak about it.

10. Don’t get your children involved in adult matters. If you lost your job, got caught in a scandal, went to jail, broke up with your girl or boyfriend, etc. Be vague when talking to them, it isn’t necessary to give them all the details. Children sometimes will take mom and dad’s pain personally and will react in ways that we don’t quite understand. Remember they are children, not adults allow them to enjoy their childhood. Preserve their innocence.

Although these tips seem simple enough, putting them into practice can be challenging particularly when dealing with an argumentative, hot-tempered or selfish former partner.  Remain in control and envision a future when your children will respect you for doing the best you could to maintain peace during this tough time.

Nicholl McGuire