Poem - Don't Talk About My Child

Child innocent, not!
He shot.
Lies a lot.
Parents bought a gravesite plot.

Dresses seductively,
the little freak of the week.
She says, "It's not me."
Parents believe her, can't see!

Mom said, "It was okay
to go over her house to play..."
--doesn't matter the day,
just don't say anything, okay?

Crazy celebrities,
holding up three,
another mom can't see
too blind to their fallacies.
She too holds up three.

Claims to be a good parent,
raises children well,
but doesn't notice
that her path leads them
straight to hell.

She says, "Don't talk,
that's my child!"
Evidence goes away, it's all been filed.
"Do you know what I've been through
and all I have to do?
In the midnight hour I cry--
feels like sometimes I'm going to die."

Mom loses it, sheds a tear,
someone comes along
to take away her fear.

Another child misled,
another parent goes to bed,
ignores all the signs
and what has been said.

Nicholl McGuire

Abused? You will survive. Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

The baby is crying yet again, another bill has gone unpaid, and you are ready to lose your mind from all the stress about yet another woman calling his phone...some of you reading this get the picture, others not so much, but good for you a man isn't your problem, money is good, and baby is calm!
However, there are many moms who don't have the luxury of having a peaceful, drama free household.  Someone somewhere is going to stay up a little later than usual tonight, because she is being abused yet again by a mate who says he loves her.  With tears in her eyes, she is going to call out to God to give her the strength to leave, while her mind says, "What about this...and what about that...?  Stay." 

I think back to those times when I had far too many headaches, backaches, and stomach aches, because of one thing or another with man, baby, health, and finances.  Yet, through it all, I made it out of those past storms while still having the strength to walk through current ones! 

Days, weeks, months, and years have gone by of crying and complaining.  Yet, now I made it to that point in motherhood where you finally realize that nothing is so serious, so bad, so anything that you can't rebound from as long as you have breath in your body!  Childhood issues, I survived.  Physical abuse, I survived.  Emotional abuse I survived.  Four childbirths, I survived.  Bad church experiences, I survived.  Many relocations and job losses, I survived.  Divorce, I survived.  Children with their share of problems, still surviving!  Shall I go on?

I observe many women and men with sons and daughters looking stressed when their children are around.  Sometimes the expressions on their faces seem to worsen when a partner says one too many things to some of these men and I wonder what is home life like for these people.  "I don't want to hear it..." the eyes say.  "Are you listening to me?" the one doing all the talking says.  He ignores the mother of his children as if she is a stranger. 

For some men, they can't handle children crying, a mate nagging, and other responsibilities that come with parenting so they freak out!  One too many requests, a negative tone of voice from a wife or girlfriend topped with misbehaving children and an angry man with a short fuse is ready to swing, push, shove, or kick the one who is doing what?  All the talking, crying or both.

There is no excuse for anyone being hit or slapped in the mouth for talking or crying--none!  It doesn't matter how loud or wild the words come out a mouth or where the mouth is directed, one should not have to endure anyone physically harming him or her.  Yet, some women will allow emotional and/or physical abuse to happen to them, because they feel guilty about what they said or did when they interacted with their mate or children.  Therefore, the abuser makes his victim feel worse while accusing her of pushing him to the point of no return.  "Look, what you made me do!  If you would just shut up none of this would have happened!  I told you what I will do if you keep talking, didn't I?" 

The abused woman will then attempt to make wrongs right only to meet yet another fist to the face or some other place on her body, because her abuser didn't want to hear her speak yet again about something he should have, could have done.

Abuse will make people cry--those being abused as well as those witnessing the abuse.  Children will cry more when they live in a intense environment which will only make matters worse the longer they stay there. 

Those who sincerely care will want to vindicate the victim, call the police, remove the children from the home, and do other things to stop the abuse.  The woman experiencing such pain will not talk as much to others like she once did.  She will isolate herself.  Sometimes she will hide her bruises behind makeup and sunglasses.  She will lie, cover for her abuser, and pretend as if her relationship is normal.  There is nothing normal about a name-calling, crazy man who has nothing better to do but to intimidate his partner and children, because he is having one of his fits yet again.

Some women think that because a partner hasn't hit or shoved them in a long time they are out the clear, but not necessarily.  Maybe the abuse has simply shifted from mom to children, from wife to mistress, or from girlfriend to relative.  What do the others really think of one's partner?  Who is catching hell when you aren't?

For those experiencing such pain staying with an abuser, know that every day that you stay in a bad relationship brings you closer to your grave or someone else's.  Most abusers don't change without professional counseling, medication, workplace changes, relocation, and more.  If you are with someone who is unwilling to do what's right to bring peace to your household, move on!

Nicholl McGuire creator of this blog and author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com

Victims of abuse become survivors because one day a light bulb goes off in their heads that says, "I'm not going to take his abuse any longer, I am better than this."  The day a victim realizes that she can move on, get a better life without walking on egg shells around someone is the day that she is indeed a free woman!  Mothers, for the sake of your children, avoid sticking it out with someone who mistreats you.  One day your children will thank you for it!

Nicholl McGuire

Too Sexy Too Soon

Education - When My Child Isn't Like the Rest, When Mothers Cry by Nicho...

5 Things to Expect When You Move On Without Your Children's Father

You spent years crying, fighting, and persuading your children's father to do what's right concerning your relationship and the children, but he fought you every step of the way by doing what he wanted without regard for your feelings.  So now when you are ready to do you, he wants to act as if he still has a right to be in your life by any means necessary.  You can take back control if you are aware in advance of the things he will do and say in the future in an attempt to hinder your success.

1.  He will want you back until he finds someone that he feels is a good replacement.

From pregnancy to marriage, a man that still has feelings for his children's mother will do just about anything to quell his emotions.  So if he can find a good match for himself, he will move on.  But if not, he will continue to act as if he has a place in your bed, your heart, or wherever you might go in life.

2.  He will threaten, lie, stalk or do other things to impede your progress because he is jealous, insecure, etc.

Some mothers will never move on because they continue to share personal business about themselves to their children's father.  Even if a mother no longer wants him, whatever she says to him, might be potentially harmful.  Don't talk about your new friend.  Don't feel it necessary to tell him the details about your employment.  And, don't personally update him on any successes and failures in your life or talk about those individuals the two of you know.  Do note episodes of anger outbursts (include days and times), days of the week and times when you saw him drive pass your home, and anything else that might be useful in case you might have to one day go to court.  

3.  He will tarnish your reputation with his (or your) family, friends and new partners, whether boldly or subtly, by exaggerating, lying, making false assumptions, creating a pity party, reveal private information, and fault-find.

If you thought he was a friend, think again!  Remember he is your children's father.  A heartbroken man is like a heartbroken woman, after he has been hurt, he looks for opportunities to cast revenge--even if he claims to be a child of God!

4.  He will act as if he is amicable toward you in front of others, but when alone with you he will make snarky comments in the hopes that you will get upset so that he can tell others, "I told you she was crazy..."

Some men take great satisfaction in seeing former girlfriends angry, because they were emotionally wounded.  Rather than act in a way that he expects when insulted, confronted, ridiculed, bad-mouthed, or disrespected, act out of the ordinary.  Put on your professional demeanor and act like you would if your boss was going to give you thousands of dollars extra for dealing with a difficult customer/client/employee.

5.  He will seek an attorney, borrow money and do other things to orchestrate a plan to get the children--that is if he really wants them.  Otherwise, he will let you keep them, because he assumes they will slow you down and you won't be interested in doing much else, but working and caring for them while he goes off and have his fun. (That is if you reverse the tables on him.)

Some men truly want to be fathers to their children, while others not so much and would prefer to be free to explore life, have a myriad of sexual encounters, etc.  While others weren't given a choice, but to care for their children even if they didn't really want to.  Whatever category your children's father falls into, know that he is going to have a plan up his sleeve that suits him and inconveniences you.

Now that you have five things to think about as you move on with your life, believe that with every step you make toward your goals, you will be stronger and wiser and still the best mom you can be whether near or far--I'm a witness!

Nicholl McGuire
Author of When Mothers Cry