You spent years crying, fighting, and persuading your children's father to do what's right concerning your relationship and the children, but he fought you every step of the way by doing what he wanted without regard for your feelings. So now when you are ready to do you, he wants to act as if he still has a right to be in your life by any means necessary. You can take back control if you are aware in advance of the things he will do and say in the future in an attempt to hinder your success.
1. He will want you back until he finds someone that he feels is a good replacement.
From pregnancy to marriage, a man that still has feelings for his children's mother will do just about anything to quell his emotions. So if he can find a good match for himself, he will move on. But if not, he will continue to act as if he has a place in your bed, your heart, or wherever you might go in life.
2. He will threaten, lie, stalk or do other things to impede your progress because he is jealous, insecure, etc.
Some mothers will never move on because they continue to share personal business about themselves to their children's father. Even if a mother no longer wants him, whatever she says to him, might be potentially harmful. Don't talk about your new friend. Don't feel it necessary to tell him the details about your employment. And, don't personally update him on any successes and failures in your life or talk about those individuals the two of you know. Do note episodes of anger outbursts (include days and times), days of the week and times when you saw him drive pass your home, and anything else that might be useful in case you might have to one day go to court.
3. He will tarnish your reputation with his (or your) family, friends and new partners, whether boldly or subtly, by exaggerating, lying, making false assumptions, creating a pity party, reveal private information, and fault-find.
If you thought he was a friend, think again! Remember he is your children's father. A heartbroken man is like a heartbroken woman, after he has been hurt, he looks for opportunities to cast revenge--even if he claims to be a child of God!
4. He will act as if he is amicable toward you in front of others, but when alone with you he will make snarky comments in the hopes that you will get upset so that he can tell others, "I told you she was crazy..."
Some men take great satisfaction in seeing former girlfriends angry, because they were emotionally wounded. Rather than act in a way that he expects when insulted, confronted, ridiculed, bad-mouthed, or disrespected, act out of the ordinary. Put on your professional demeanor and act like you would if your boss was going to give you thousands of dollars extra for dealing with a difficult customer/client/employee.
5. He will seek an attorney, borrow money and do other things to orchestrate a plan to get the children--that is if he really wants them. Otherwise, he will let you keep them, because he assumes they will slow you down and you won't be interested in doing much else, but working and caring for them while he goes off and have his fun. (That is if you reverse the tables on him.)
Some men truly want to be fathers to their children, while others not so much and would prefer to be free to explore life, have a myriad of sexual encounters, etc. While others weren't given a choice, but to care for their children even if they didn't really want to. Whatever category your children's father falls into, know that he is going to have a plan up his sleeve that suits him and inconveniences you.
Now that you have five things to think about as you move on with your life, believe that with every step you make toward your goals, you will be stronger and wiser and still the best mom you can be whether near or far--I'm a witness!
Nicholl McGuire
Author of When Mothers Cry
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