Stay-At-Home Mother: Dad Will Appreciate You More When You're Gone

So some of you mothers are feeling used, abused, misused, and just don't know what to do.  You live in a house or apartment with a man who says, "I make the money!  What else do you want from me?"  You in turn say, "Is it too much to ask, can you take the kids out sometime?  Give me a break!"

I experienced what I call "family burn out" on numerous occasions and sometimes my plea was heard, but sometimes it wasn't.  Maybe I was burned out from talking to the kids all day and just wanted the man of the house to make some time to talk to me.  Sometimes there were moments that I needed some help with chores.  Other times the kids wanted me to play with them, teach them, read a book, and do other stuff while dad sat and watched TV or surfed the Internet.  I started to back off from doing so much with the children while dad was home a long time ago.  The stay-at-home mother had learned how to allow dad to take over when it came to handling the children.  I began to back off first during evenings and then on weekends.

A good idea only works for so long before you notice that other areas in your relationship begin to fall apart.  You may try something else to keep the man and children interested.  You might even step up to the plate even more.  However, sometimes nothing seems to work.  Before long, you are questioning why exactly are you a mother, a wife, a lover, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker?

No man will ever appreciate a woman, the mother of his children, until he knows what it truly feels like to be all alone with the children!  He will begin to understand why she repeatedly warned him about giving the children candy and snacks before dinner.  Why it's so important that the children have a breakfast, lunch, dinner, quiet, and bed times?  Why he should consider spending more time giving the family needed attention and less time watching TV?  Why sometimes he has to put off his needs and tend to the children's needs first? 

If you have been burning out lately from your family obligations, take a moment to see what might you need to do differently to restore those positive feelings back that you once had for your family.  Communicate your thoughts when you feel comfortable to your partner.

I can tell you from my own experience that you can't do it all alone, you need the support of your partner and/or relatives and friends.  If he too is experiencing feelings of family burn out, then hopefully he will say so and together you both can create a plan that will alleviate some stress.  Notice the key word is "together," not apart.   However, if your partner doesn't recognize your need for some relief and refuses to see that he too needs some space, most likely your relationship will begin to take a different turn and it won't be positive.  But first things first, allow daddy to stay home with the children, clean up and do some other things without your sticking around.  Take advantage of your free time, you earned it!

Nicholl McGuire

Battling with PMS Issues Keeps a Mother Crying Each Month

If you have never vomited, cramped for hours, yelled or cried in front of others for what some would say, "no good reason," then you may not be able to relate to what I am about to tell you especially if you know nothing about PMS or PMDD.  Take a moment to read up on these conditions.  Here's my story...

As a child, I was told very often to "stop playing" and "go get my pills," by my mom.  She took Trendar, a pill that has ibuprofen, this was before Advil, Midol, and other brand names.  The pill was supposed to help the pain in her stomach.  I didn't know the specifics of her condition.  I just heard her periodically vomit in the bathroom.  I remember being yelled at, "Do not to get on my nerves...go play...don't bother me!"  Her face was scary and I didn't back talk, because I knew if I didn't do as I was told I would be threatened and dad was going to hear about it, well let's just say,
My sister and I (there were only two of us children) tried very hard to behave.

What I didn't know back then as a little girl (no more than six years old) that I would also experience what my mother was going through starting at age nine.  The pains were intense by eleven until I became an adult and had my third child in my thirties!!  That was an understatement I suffered for half a day at times with everything from stomach and leg cramps to throwing up--nothing would stay down!!  The heavy blood flow was terrible and I often messed up my clothes.  The feminine napkins were uncomfortable and sometimes would shift while rolling over in a bed or walking which would cause messes.  I tried to keep my condition from school friends, but they were curious.  They would peek in the trash can after I left the bathroom.  Looking back, they were a nasty bunch of girls!  Most of them didn't start their cycles until a couple years later or longer.  They announced to others (mainly boys) that I was on my period.  Thank goodness the boys didn't say too much.

I remember experiencing achy body parts from my breasts to my legs and some parts in between as a young girl and older.  These pains felt like having the flu.  I would get hot and cold as well which meant sometimes those hot water bottles (I use to use long ago) I would take off my legs only to put right back on again because the pain was throbbing so bad to the point that I couldn't walk especially the first day of my period.  I recall the ups and downs in my moods and at times no desire to concentrate sometimes on schoolwork.  My dad use to lose his cool with me and blamed my lack of concentration on everything but being a girl who was experiencing her menstrual cycle.  Sometimes I heard my mom remind him.  So in between his frustration with trying to help me with my homework, he would just say, "Go do it yourself!" while mom had pity on me and sometimes needed Grandma to come out to our house to help her with me.  What did my dad know anyway, he was a man!?

As I write, I remember having to walk up hills in the cold, rain and snow from school with terrible cramps.  I can count on one hand how many times someone came to get me from school when I felt bad.  When I turned 15, I started getting rides from neighbors and people from school especially when I felt really bad.  The blood clots caused so much pain.  Sometimes my friends could tell I was feeling bad, because I would get a little snappy with them and there were times that I just wanted to break up with my high school sweetheart for no apparent reason.  I didn't like to be touched during that time of the month if I could help it.

My mom had taken me to the doctor, but there wasn't really anything they could do for a child other than tell my mother to have me use a heating pad, give me Tylenol, and try to get me to move around.  They also suggested birth control.  Of course, the doctors were male.  My pains were too bad to even think about moving around.  Supposedly this advice would help the cramps pass, but it never did for me.  Besides I was already exercising five days a week when I walked to and from school on most days and that was almost a two mile walk!

There were many times that I cried out to grandma's God and all I kept thinking about was that woman in the Holy Bible named Eve and her experience in the garden.  I pleaded with God if I ever had children, I never wanted daughters.  Why should they have to go through this too?  The doctor's said it was hereditary.  The church said it was a generational curse.

Looking back as a teen, I always had two bad weeks where I felt bad.  Sometimes the poetry and stories I wrote back then reflected my condition.  I would be depressed on some days and really didn't want to go to school, but in my childhood home you didn't breathe a word about not feeling well unless every sign on your face, body and in the toilet was evident. 

I eventually went on to college with the same issues and to add more drama to my life back in the mid-nineties I met an abusive man (you can get my book at Amazon.com-Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate by Nicholl McGuire or visit this site.)  With all the problems mentally and physically, I just couldn't take going to college anymore and left after six years.  Instead, I drew near to my Lord and haven't looked back since with regret.

When I grew older, I was told that once I had children the pain wouldn't be as bad--they were right about the cramps, but to date, I still have my moments. It is more of a mental challenge with some days out of the month being attacked with various PMDD related symptoms.  I believe my move from the east coast to a warmer climate on the west coast helped me some during my mid-twenties. However, I didn't anticipate that I would later face various mental conditions each month as well.

In my mid-twenties, I had child number one (God did deliver on that prayer of not having girls.) But, my happiness was short-lived about childbirth because I was wishing back then at least half of the month for baby and man to go away.  Between my menstrual issues and their needs, it was too much!  Then the next child came along and I was ready to get rid of the man, but keep the children part-time.  It didn't help that he had his share of issues too.  During this time birth control was supposed to help with my symptoms like cramping, but it did nothing more than give me more issues to deal with like crazy mood swings, hair falling out, weight gain and the looming threat of cancer in my future if I kept taking them--no thanks!  By baby three (I am divorced and with someone different,) I just wanted to know when God planned on taking me off the face of the earth.  A woman who just couldn't fight all these PMS related symptoms, as far as I was concerned, needed a resting place.  In time, the pain wasn't as intense each month, but all the PMS symptoms experienced for the two weeks leading up to the cycle was enough to wish I were dead.  When I took notice of the mental changes two weeks out of the month on a consistent basis began in 1999 and still have been consistent presently.

Finally after years of listening to some men call me crazy and others just pity me, I had learned that what I was suffering from was PMDD which is worse than PMS--mind you I had to find this out on my own!!!  There are 150 symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle!  As if all this wasn't enough, baby boy four shows up during those PMDD highs where all seems to be alright with the world back in 2007 and there I was in the doctor's office getting a precription for antidepressants when I finally came down and was no longer pregnant.  I seem to be in better spirits while pregnant.

At first I thought I was on my way to living a life where I didn't feel bad half the time while on those pills, but oh no!  I tried three different ones and every one had side effects that either made me more weird, hyper, sick feeling, or tired.  Oh and might I add, gain some weight.  I gave them all up after hearing a voice awake me one morning with, "You are going to die."  What the...!?  I thought.  So I'm hearing an evil voice while on the pills?  So the old song goes, " I could do bad all by myself."  I weened myself off of those pills after alerting my doctor.

A couple of years ago I returned to my old roots and went to see someone who sold natural medicines.  My experience has been okay, but still I have my moments.  I have learned to shut people out when I feel my symptoms coming on which means no serious conversations in-person, chatting unnecessarily on social networking sites, inviting people over my home, and no music or TV that glorify evil, relationship dramas, etc. and definitely no depressing TV news!  I don't need the added stress.  I am also tired of apologizing to others for my alters.  Oh, I didn't mention that having serious PMDD issues makes you feel like you have separate personalities.  Who knows, with all the pain I suffered with as a child, I could have created separate personalities to deal with the pain?

In closing, I just wanted to share my personal experience with PMDD related symptoms with those mothers who find themselves going out of their minds sometimes, you aren't alone.  I just pray that you will get all the help you can before it's too late.  As for those of us who have found a way to cope like:  personal faith, herbal medicines, prescription medicines, support groups and/or rehab, if you recognize a mother who is falling apart, try to lead her to some help.  I think of all the people who witnessed moms "lose it," so they say. Yet, they never bothered to give her a phone number to some help, a website, offer to drive her to see a doctor, or give her money to help with buying medicine.  In my opinion, if she should snap out and kill some folks, those insensitive partners and busybodies around her who "always knew she was crazy" ought to be locked up too!  Rather than call her "crazy, mental" or some other insulting word, find some help for these moms.

Nicholl McGuire

Mothers Who Love Their Children Too Much

Is there such a thing as a mother loving her children too much?  Those of you who have witnessed a mother lie, cry, or even die for her children know exactly what loving a child too much means.  It doesn't matter that the child is wrong when it comes to relating to others, repeatedly manipulates a parent to get what he or she wants, and does other things that even God would have to come down from heaven and personally spank the child for, mom loves her baby.

A mother who chooses to love her child beyond words is alright with me until her motherly love becomes a problem for me.  What if this "I love my baby" mama has a child who needs to be disciplined for doing something to mine and she refuses to do it?  What if her sweetie ends up stealing from me?  What if cutie pie cusses me out in front of my children?  It's alright with her, huh?  For this same mom will turn around and say, "What did you do for my child to react that way to you?"  Notice she doesn't blame her child. 

I can speak to this issue of a mother loving her children too much, because I realize that I was headed down that track of loving my children so much that the lines of good and bad started blurring.  I loved out of guilt for being away from them for a time, for divorcing dad, and for frequently being short with them, because my job was more important.  I also witnessed other mothers go overboard for their children out of guilt as well.  It didn't matter that I was putting myself in further debt to meet their needs.  I didn't think much if I was arguing with their father over what they did or didn't do.  I couldn't care less about the criticism I received from others even when my children were in the wrong. 

When I finally decided to sit down and reflect on my actions (or in-actions,) I realize that what I saw myself doing concerning my children I didn't like too much and I became fearful of what they may or may not become in the future.  So I took my Bible out, prayed and started making time in my schedule to read and pray with them more.

I recall a friend telling me that her mother would do any and everything for her "good-for-nothing brother."  I personally watched for years a mother beg and borrow for her children.  Sometimes I was told to "shut-up" or "be quiet" about what I saw.

It shouldn't take a mother losing her bank account, home or freedom to realize that she loves her children too much.  I understand that many moms will give their right arm for their children, but I no longer see that as a noble thing to do.  If we teach our children to be responsible, respectful, and independent, we wouldn't have to give up any of our limbs.  It's interesting because some of the mothers I have encountered who went above and beyond for their children, aren't getting the same in return.  Now they are bitter and bad mouth their adult sons and daughters regularly.

I remember listening to a group of mothers exchanging stories about confrontations they were involved in regarding their children.  They said things like, "If that b#$^&, would have put her hands on my child I would of...I don't play with no one messing with my child...I wish someone would bother my child..."  I could relate to a mother protecting her cubs, but when my cub is hard-headed and keeps defying me, well there comes a point when some things he will have to learn for himself.  Sure, I will do what I can to keep him from the hot stove, but if he insists on seeing what it feels like, at some point I won't be around to stop him.

As much as we, as mothers, don't like to take others' advice and at times we think we know-it-all, sometimes we need to look at that person in the mirror who may be:  graying prematurely, picking up a lot of weight (or losing a lot) due to stress, receiving complaints from others about our children, and overdrafting a bank account or two for our children, that we seriously need to make changes or else we won't be around to love our children.

Nicholl McGuire

Investing in our children as if one day they will be our best friends.

So we buy them what they need, want, desire and so on.  What's the benefit to them/to us?  Do we get brownie points with our children for being "the best mommy?"  Some mothers will go so far as to give everyone they speak to an itemized list of everything they have ever done for their children.  Even our own mothers will say to us, "Remember when I gave you..." 

Why exactly are we giving our children more than enough anyway?  Do we ever bother to think what the long-term effects will be on our children (especially when the money runs out and we can't keep up with all of their requests?)  Who are we trying to impress?  Does anyone even care about all those great activities our children participate in?  Most likely not.  They are too busy living their lives.  But we parents, care!  So much so that we forget that no relative and or family friend should ever be obligated to partake in the burdens we place on ourselves (ie. our children's extracurricular activities.)  So why do we care so much?  Quite possibly because we may have unmet childhood needs, created spoiled brats, or just want to impress our children by getting others to support them.  We try to do and be everything to them, because some of us reason, if we are not, then who will?

I thought about this issue of giving our children in the hopes that some day they will return the favor after listening to a parent rant about her grown daughter not doing for her "after all the years I have helped her!!"  She mentioned the times in her daughter's life she invested in their relationship while the daughter lacked  appreciation and acted as if "that's what family should do."  Apparently someone didn't get the memo that just because you deem a certain child "a favorite" and you do as much as you can for this person, doesn't mean that he or she will think of a parent as such a great person once they become older.  Not only that, the adult son or daughter may not feel as if he or she owes a parent anything simply because part of the title as parent is to care for his or her child.

It seems that the more you give a child (or anyone) who has never experienced what it's like not to have, the more likely he or she will become an ingrate.  This person will behave like what you do for him or her is never good enough.  Think for a moment:  What would happen if you just took a long break from giving your own children as much as you gave them yesterday, last week, a few months ago, or last year?  They would appreciate what you give them moreso the next time.

Now on the other hand, there are those relatives and family friends that don't have a spirit of generosity and more than likely that is why some parents feel obligated to give to their children so much.  It's unfortunate that some of these people behave very selfishly, act ridiculously frugal (cheap.)  Some of these same people think that if they give anything to anyone it should be celebrated.  Your children should be available to work for them since they bought them toys on their birthday.  Your son or daughter should announce to the world that grandpap gave $5 toward a camp trip.  You should do a cartwheel for that  small donation to the college fund--whoopee!  But I digress...

I personally think that if we as parents create a healthy balance between giving and receiving from our children, they will be okay.  Our children will observe what we do, and in time, repeat our actions.  So if we are responsible and give within reason (that means not all the time like everytime we visit a store) they will be more appreciative with what they have already and will do the same with their children one day.  A child that is use to getting what he or she wants all the time will be a challenge to try to change, but if a parent remains consistent in his or her behavior for a time, a son or daughter will catch on and will be less likely to badger the parent with unnecessary requests.

We must remember to evaluate why we give as much as we do to our children.  Then we should take the time to think about how our actions will impact the future.  Lastly, we ought to face the reality that any investment we make today in our children may be null and void once they become adults--not every child will grow up to become an adult that will say, "Thank you.  Now what would you like for me to do for you?"

Nicholl McGuire

What to Expect from the Ex Husband after a Divorce

“Never say what a man won’t do,” my grandmother use to warn.  Some women brag to family and friends about what their ex husbands would never do or say to them. Yet, the truth is one can't predict what ex boyfriends and husbands would and wouldn't do especially now that many of you are single and like to mingle especially online.





The list that follows is only ten popular warnings amongst thousands that your ex might do or say to you since the divorce. Not every one of these situations you may be able to relate, but there are those divorced women that have experienced one if not all of these things. Some divorced women will admit that their ex-husbands just couldn’t seem to move on in the beginning of the break up. These divorced women secretly liked how their ex struggled emotionally, because to them, it was sweet justice, “What goes around comes around!” Here is the list:



One. The ex-husband may surprise you with a phone call that almost sounds like he misses you.


Suddenly after days or weeks have passed since your last contact with him, he is so concerned about you. He may start off asking you about the children, then ask you questions about your job and family. He does this, not so much because he cares, but he is looking for a way to get back into your life personally. Your idea of friendship and his idea of friendship is not the same. He is thinking, “One day I might need sex and she might be available.” You may be thinking like him, then again you might not. The best thing to do when you get the surprise phone call is to keep it brief and always be busy if it means running water in the background, flushing the toilet, talking to the kids, or use the opportunity to tell him you have calls to make as soon as you get off the phone with him. Don’t obligate yourself to call him back even if he asks you to do it.


Two. The ex-husband may request to take you out to dinner, fix something in the home, or blatantly tell you he wants to fulfill your sexual needs.


Depending on his age, what he looks like, and other major things that may keep him from getting a new partner as fast as he thought, he may try to date you until someone else comes along. There are many divorced women who fall for the dating and handyman tactics, because they too haven’t found anyone they consider worthwhile so they go back to what is familiar. When you feel tempted, you can quickly erase any of those false fantasies of bliss by thinking of all the nights you stayed up crying and how he treated you when you needed him most. You can also crowd him out of your life by doing some things to keep you busy from attending church related activities to finding a new spot to hang out with book or laptop in hand. This way you aren’t looking for a new man to replace him.


Three. The ex-husband may surprise you at home or work.


This is not a sign you want to take lightly especially if you have made it clear on what time to pick up the children, if you have any. If you don’t have any children with this man, you will definitely want to be careful as well, because he may be stalking you. Always let others know about these surprise visits, journal them, and notify the authorities if you have asked your ex-husband not to come around you anymore and he keeps persisting. The police will assist you with filing a restraining order. However, if he is in law enforcement, find someone out of his precinct to help you. If you can’t get any help from them then go to church leadership, a nonprofit organization or someone else not related to his profession.


Four. The ex-husband may surprise you with cash.


What a great way to keep you attached to him! What other man do you know will give you money for nothing? If he does it once, he may do it again and again all the while hoping you won’t find anyone else. His intention is one of two things: to restore the marriage or to keep you hanging on while he is dating others. Some men want their cake and everything else too, more than likely that is why many of the women reading this are divorced.


Five. The ex-husband may drive by your home, favorite hangout, or job showing off the new girlfriend (or boyfriend) or new wife.


He isn’t happy with the way things turned out between the two of you, he doesn’t like how he is feeling now that you are not in his life, and he secretly wants you back (at least for a season until things get old again.) Driving the girlfriend or new wife around your neighborhood is his attempt to make you feel the way he feels and to punish you for not being with him. If you allow him to upset you, then you are giving him power and ultimately the chance to come back in your life. Remember your issues that you have isn’t with the woman, but with him using the woman. If you find he is often doing this, you can notify the police and file a restraining order as mentioned earlier or even better have that family member around who doesn't like your ex too much--I'm sure he will cut his visits short.



Six. The ex-husband will display new jewelry, a car or some other things to show you he is doing fine without you.


While women alter their appearance to make themselves look like they are doing better without the ex, their former husbands will make big purchases to appear like they have struck some gold hoping they will be desired once again. Some divorced women are charmed back into their exs' arms only to be harmed again. Oftentimes they end up helping him pay for those large purchases. He may have bought an item he always wanted in the hopes that his naïve, desperate ex wife will assist with his bill. Once it’s paid off, out she goes and in a new woman comes riding, driving, wearing, or lying on whatever it is that drew you back into his life again.


Seven. The ex-husband will confide in a mutual friend about how much he misses you.


There is only one reason why he would be open with his feelings to a friend that you both deal with, rather than talk with you, and that is he hopes that you will hear about it and be nicer to him. In his mind that is a start, once you open your feelings up, then he hopes you will open something else too whether that something else is a combination of money, sex, home, contact for a job or business opportunity, or some other selfish need he is trying to satisfy.


Eight. The ex-husband may not hide his personal life from the children.


A man who feels rejected and jealous is on a mission to make your life miserable, so he will intentionally do things in front of the children because he knows they will go back and tell you.  For instance, he may emphasize how important his new family is or his new partner to the kids.  If he can’t win you back into his life, in a nice way like calling him periodically, then he will try to keep you in his life by being vicious. He knows that if the children tell you something disturbing during a visit, you will pick up that phone and talk, yell or curse with him about it. The best thing to do in this situation is to teach your children right from wrong, admonish your ex-husband in writing if need be, ignore his foolish behavior while documenting it, or possibly talk with your attorney.


Nine. The ex-husband suddenly changes finances, housing, and other things he may have promised he wouldn’t change.


You go to use a credit card it’s declined, you visit an old account and the money is gone, and you discover your name is removed from a number of documents including health insurance that he said he would pay for. These are all attempts to control you emotionally, but these are also good signs he just might be someone else's headache now!  Hopefully he won’t be trying to contact you as much and you shouldn’t be encouraging it either--that is if you are indeed over him.  Stick to issues related to the kids maybe some useful information every now and again, but keep yourself busy with your own life!  Win for you!


Consider your ex's deceptive actions, lies he tells his new girlfriend or wife and other negatives blessings in disguise.  These things is what reaffirms that you made a great decision ridding yourself of a bad mistake!  Accept your freedom, rather than fight with him about his past promises, and remember you are divorced from him; therefore, he is no longer obligated to take care of you.



Ten. The ex-husband will play mind games.


If you are feeling guilty about something you did to break up the marriage, he will try to use that as a weapon to keep you feeling bad so that you can’t move on with your life. He may talk about the “good ole days” to keep you hoping and wishing about what could have been. You can end his mind games by not giving him any details about current events in your life which include: topics about the past, the way you feel, your dreams, goals, etc. The great part about being divorced is you don’t have to share your life anymore with a person you are no longer interested or in love with--yeah!


In conclusion, these are just ten of some of the most popular actions men will do after a divorce or break up, you probably will have more to add, please do in the comment section. If you are sincerely over the ex, you will not give into any of these negative actions. Divorced women who are still emotionally and/or physically attached to their exs will fall into the ten traps mentioned every time.


You know that you are still bound to him if your family and friends keep telling you to stop talking or doing for your ex. Although you think there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, what you don’t realize is you are setting yourself up for even more problems in the future than what you had gone through while being married to him. Some of those future problems include: your ex being with other women while sleeping with you, potentially getting a sexually transmitted disease, your children doing badly in school because of witnessing your upset, problems with your relatives supporting you because you look like a flake, and other personal issues like stress resulting in depression, obesity, diabetes, and other health related illnesses.



Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight here.