After Mother's Day Blues

The media, churches, retail store clerks, relatives, and friends stimulated mothers mentally for weeks about Mother’s Day. Even children were pressured by teachers to create projects to honor their moms. Partners worried over what to do for Mother’s Day since paychecks went to bills. There were so many reminders and so little money and time to find something to make Mom happy. Some of you pulled it off while others couldn’t. There were mothers who received something on Mother’s Day even if it was a simple phone call, while others received a little of something or nothing at all.

Expectant moms, senior moms, divorced moms, single moms, moms in jail and all other moms were desiring something—anything that said, “Happy Mother’s Day.” But it just didn’t happen and now some are bitter. They bad mouthed the holiday, cussed a partner, yelled at the children, and vowed that no one would get anything for a year! Some mothers may have got something last year, but this year they got nothing because someone had vowed last year that, “Mom isn’t getting anything because she didn’t give me anything for my birthday! I am tired of buying for people and they don’t buy for me!” The Mother’s Day blues has set in and it doesn’t go away until certain people honor the mother who feels like she has done so much for everyone else, yet they can’t even bother to say, “Happy Mother’s Day!”

I have been on both sides of the fence--the mom that receives acknowledgment on Mother’s Day and the mom who doesn’t. Years ago, I had freed myself of the burdens of holidays only to get suck back in by media hype and family pressure. I went back to buying people things and sometimes I got things back and sometimes I didn’t. It hurts when you spend your last money on someone that should have been allocated toward a bill. That’s why I have to remind myself to pray first about gift giving no matter what time of year!

I started talking to my children about acknowledging me on Mother’s Day now that they are older with the hopes that they will do the same for their partners once they become adults. The last thing I want are disgruntled daughter-in-laws accusing me of not raising my sons up right over the simplest of things.

As I write, I realize that when someone else’s great idea ie.) Mother’s Day, begins to burden you, your finances and upset your household, you have to break free! I don’t believe the originator’s intention was to cause a problem for some with the Mother’s Day concept, but many have turned it into such because they are angry at: a partner, ungrateful children, a selfish parent or someone else who made the holiday ugly in their sight.

When I thought back to how free I was mentally, physically and spiritually from man-made holidays once upon a time (before starting my own family,) I was happier. I didn’t have to worry over what to buy mom or wonder what a partner would do for me. Everyone knew, “She doesn’t celebrate holidays.” However, once I got myself wrapped up into gift-giving, not with prayer and fasting, but just because everyone else was doing it, I didn’t feel so good about what I was doing. So what happens when you start to feel this way? You don’t want to keep doing it, but you do it anyway sometimes with feelings of resentment and worry. What happens when I can’t celebrate Mother’s Day next year or I have nothing exciting for Father’s Day? Will my own mom talk about me? Will the children’s father try to pay me back next year? What about those days that aren’t holidays that I do for others, will those times be remembered? These thoughts and more went through my mind.

I understand it is hard when one isn’t acknowledged on a day like Mother’s Day, like I said before I have been there, and I know you can’t help but think about all the things you have done for your family and others. However, realize that when you allow what someone does or doesn’t do to affect your mood, you are putting yourself in bondage. There will be other holidays and this person or group may not acknowledge you for those holidays either, but don’t worry, expect nothing and you won’t be let down.

As mothers who are trying to instill positive values in our children, we must remember that we can’t allow our disappointments with our partners or others to affect our parenting. There are those of you who are thinking, “Out of all the people, he should have at least got the children to give me something…” and maybe he should of, but remember people have their reasons for why they do what they do. Some things you might want to do in the future, if you are one of the ones who expect to be honored on Mother’s Day, is to prepare those around you in advance, but you can’t do this with a sour attitude.

Let your family know that you think that Mother’s Day is important. Tell them that even if they don’t have any money or can’t make it to your home on that day, you would be open to another day of acknowledgment at their convenience. As much as some of us would like things to happen when we want them, we must remind ourselves it isn’t always so. If you communicate your feelings to those around you in a polite way, who knows what next year might bring.
However, you may be changing, like I am, and if you are headed in that “take it or leave it” direction, then we must remember that we are letting those around us know that Mother’s Day and other holidays are unimportant, so we must stick to it. When we say one thing, but expect another, we will only be causing upset in our households. People will begin to think, “Well which is it? Celebrate holiday or not?” We also have to remain open to holidays that we might be acknowledged and we might not, but whatever happens, it should always be okay.

I think we paint ourselves in a box when we bad mouth holidays, talk about what someone does or doesn’t do for us, or criticize their gifts, because what we are telling others is, “Don’t buy for her, she’s negative and ungrateful.” Eventually, that painted box will become a wall around us and then when someone comes along with his or her best intentions, they bump right into it! He or she will unfortunately be shut out of our lives with all our negativity. I think God allows this for good-hearted people’s own protection. Once they see that negative wall, they stop coming around.

So I leave you with “Happy Mother’s Days” all year round! May you be blessed with sales, bargains and convenient parking when you go out and honor yourself each payday!

Nicholl McGuire

Why Do Some Parents Continue to Expose Children to Negative People?

Sometimes, as mothers, we have to sit back and think about the people who we allow into our lives. Maybe before the children, it was okay to have every unbelieving, crazy, wild, or ghetto person in our midst, but what about now?

We usually keep people around that make us laugh, tell us "back in the day" stories, or might possibly help us in the future with something. But just like those old clothes in the back of your closet you will never wear, it might be time to do a little house-cleaning, if not for yourself, then for your family.

Some of us have partners that can sniff trouble a mile away, but what do we do, we ignore them especially if they tell us something negative about a relative or old friend. We might argue or tell our partners, "You are so wrong for saying that about..." But what if he is right? Sometimes they are right about the babysitter, the daycare, the grandparents, and other people who we allow in our children's lives on a regular basis. Some of these people have a negative influence that we might choose to ignore. We might even secretly question ourselves, "What is the purpose for having this person around other than watching my child? Isn't there a replacement?" You may be the discerning one that is warning your partner about his side of the family.

I love when mothers will ask their children, after they have done something wrong or embarassing, "Where did you learn that from?" Meanwhile, witnesses are thinking the child will say some child's name from school, but instead, "From your friend mommy...from cousin Joan...from Aunt Mary..." So what does the mom say, "Well, don't say or do that again." Before long, the parent is dropping his or her child back at the guilty relative or best friend's home again sometimes without saying anything about the matter! Then some parents wonder why children have all sorts of bizarre stories to tell involving people or things beyond their years, hmmm.

You might talk to some mothers about this sort of thing, and those that are guilty of having their children around certain negative influences, will become defensive. "It's not like a music video will hurt them, they will see things like that sooner or later! It's not like they haven't heard that word before! I don't care that my friend drinks alcohol or smokes weed just so long as she is not doing it around my child..." Well, unless a parent is with his or her child in that person's home 24/7, mom or dad doesn't know what their relative or friend is exposing their child to especially if this person doesn't have children of his or her own!

Now there is nothing wrong with being an acquaintance with someone who is completely the opposite of you, but this "my dear friend" or "my favorite relative" stuff, just because someone once had an important place in your life growing up is ridiculous when you know the person has been guilty of causing all sorts of havoc around your child or disrespecting your rules!

People change. People grow apart. There are those noticeable differences that show up in their personality when you sit down and talk with them awhile and then there are those differences that they suppress, because they wouldn't ever want you to think they were one way or another.

We assume that our favorites "know me so well" when in fact, a relative or friend might have guessed right that day. Sometimes we allow some of these people to stick around in our lives, knowing that they have repeatedly wronged us, as I said in one article some time ago, pass their expiration date! One day, I awoke to this reality that many of the people that I had kept around for years or re-connected with in recent years, I didn't have much in common and I wouldn't trust my children with them either. It was plain to see when I read some of their tweets, Facebook news feeds, text messages, and emails, just how different we were. "Who were these people and would I allow them into my home, much less, expose them to my children?" I would think.

There's too much nonsense being shoved under our noses as mothers to accept! Just because someone has a title in your family, doesn't make that person a great influence. Some of us reading this had to learn that the hard way! Just because someone has been a great friend the first 10 years of knowing them, doesn't mean they will continue to be a great friend for the next 10 especially if they are watching your children everyday lol!

Unfortunately, some of us never tapped into our mother's intution, because it has been innundated with "what they say;" instead of "what I say." From the half-dressed performer on TV dancing in front of our children any time of the day, to news media reporting changes in schools that are already teaching children to turn parents into authorities for all sorts of things (do your research,) who really has control over your child?

If we aren't too careful who or what is around our children, who knows what they might take back to the school or bring home with them? Now I am not an advocate for a strict household where there is no breathing room for our children, but I am an advocate of wisdom. Let's be smart about who is in control of our children when we aren't. Also, let's find some commonalities in meaningful healthy friendships while saying goodbye to those meaningless associations. As I write, I hear a word of wisdom in my spirit that sounds like this, "If we allow room in our lives for quality people to come in, we will want for nothing." Too many of us mothers aren't getting the best for ourselves or children because we keep settling. "Don't settle for just anything, anymore."

Nicholl McGuire

4 Things a Parent Can Say to a Prodigal Son or Daughter Who Won't Listen to Wisdom

Since becoming an adult, your son or daughter doesn't seem to be as interested in consulting with you or spending as much time, usually this is due to a number of reasons including: an active lifestyle, educational goals, job, or family demands. As much as parents would like for that immediate call back, a yes to an invitation, or an unexpected visit, it won't always happen. (I use to be that twenty-something year old who forgot about my parents.)

There are those sons and daughters that are making life choices that are at times disturbing and unfortunately keep poor mom or dad up at night. You may have tried to talk with your son or daughter about his or her choices, but to no avail your wisdom is going in one ear and out the other. Some parents may have used tough love to drive a point home. However, "the talk" only drove them further away. So now what does a parent do?

I was once a twenty-something year old that was raised by parents who encouraged independence toward the end of my senior year. As a result, I didn't make the wisest decisions, because the bulk of my teen years were isolated from many people, places, and things including most peer social events.

I thought, during my terrible twenties when I was making some of my poor choices, that they were good and that somehow everything would end up being okay, but like many young people, you learn the hard way.

An angry, eye-rolling, cursing parent is not what I needed at the time. So there were moments that my parent's advice wouldn't stick just because of their delivery. Therefore, I provide four statements that may not get your child to do everything you want, but it just might help in getting them to come back around. The key to conversing with a young person is making yourself understand them even if you rather not. If you can take that moment, to put yourself in their shoes, it will help your delivery. You also need a consistent positive attitude when talking to them. I think of the young man who said that someone actually took the time to say, Good morning to him. That told me there aren't too many people in his family or at work who bother to just offer a warm greeting.

So if you are polite and respectful on the phone on Monday with your son or daughter, then be that way the next time you see them and the next and the next. When you do things differently than they are use to (like adjust your attitude,) it will make them want to at least think about what you have been telling them and who knows they might be more pleasant toward you. It will also stimulate some thoughts like, "Well what if mom is right? What if dad has a point? Maybe I should do something different." Life is too short and sometimes a son or daughter may even go so far as to think that, "What if my mom and dad aren't around anymore because of what I am into?" Consider the following statements the next time you talk to your son or daughter.

One. "I'm here if you need me."

This is a statement that can be used so much until the point that it falls on deaf ears, so you might want to change it up a bit. But for parents who never use this statement, it will definitely get your son or daughters attention especially if he or she is in a bad relationship or is having financial difficulty that they are too ashamed to come and ask you for help.

Two. "You can always come back home."

Let's say that a son or daughter is really acting like a fool these days, but you can see that they are troubled and really need your help. A simple statement like this might get them to open up. However, be sure you mean it. Make accommodations for them and do share with them what the rules are before they move in. Also, give them a deadline to move out once they have sufficient income and are stable enough to live alone.

Three. "I love you and I'm concerned about where your actions might lead you."

Saying "I love you" is a nice statement and makes most people feel good when it isn't abused. However, some people use this statement and add nothing to it. Your love for your son or daughter needs to be expressed sometimes and just saying three words may not be enough, so add something to it. When you tell your son or daughter that you are concerned about their actions and where they might lead he or she, the thought might cross their mind about things like: jail, death, or some other tragedy. You might even want to throw in an example of your own. Try to avoid naming their friends, being critical of things they are already doing (no matter how dumb, bad, etc.) because if you don't, you will only start an argument, get the silent treatment, or drive them away. They will defend their friends and their actions (no matter how good or bad) thanks to peer brainwashing.

Four. "I've been where you are."

This is another statement that is often used, but some people who use it don't add anything to it. "What have you done in the past that makes you an expert about me?" That's the attitude you are going to get if you don't spend the time to share something meaningful about your life when you were your son or daughter's age; rather than repeatedly critic he or she. You may even give your son or daughter some pointers on how to get out of their messes.

When you tell a young person that you "have been there and done that," it does nothing more than look like you are bragging about your faults even though that is not the message you want to convey. When the conversation comes up, about something your son or daughter has done that you don't like, listen and then ask, "May I share with you what I did when I was your age? I've been where you are."

Other things you must consider when dealing with a hard-headed adult son or daughter is how frequently or infrequently you are talking to him or her. Sometimes a parent can provoke a son or daughter to do something harmful to self or others when he or she just can't seem to stop beating them up with wisdom or is so silent that the parent gives off the vibe he or she could care less.

Take a break from the "just giving my 2 cents worth" conversation every now and then, and try doing things that have nothing to do with your son or daughter's foolish mistakes. Maybe there is a concert coming up, a simple need that they have like a new coat and shoes at the mall, or some other thing that would encourage them to come around you'"use these needs to draw near to your son or daughter. However, don't allow them to abuse your kindness. Take that together time to do something nice and show them just how much you care.

Some parents treat their children like slaves always asking them to perform a task or duty whenever they see or hear from them. Avoid using every opportunity that you see your son or daughter to ask them to do something for you. This is a put-off especially when dealing with prodigal sons and daughters. They have spent years in your household doing what you ask and now they are free. The last thing they want is to be reminded of their childhood chores and discipline. Remember you no longer have children, but adults even if they don't always act like it.

Nicholl McGuire also maintains http://parentsbabieschildren.blogspot.com

7 Things To Expect When Breaking Up With Your Child's Father

It was inevitable, we were going to break up and I believe looking back I was somewhat unprepared. So I share my knowledge in the hopes that someone who is fed up with being with the father will think carefully before ending the relationship.

1. Consider putting everything in writing and discussing with an attorney.

From who gets the children on what days and times to finances, talk to your ex about what you are willing to give and receive as a result of the breakup. Any disagreements or discrepancies should be dealt with in court. As much as we think we can avoid it, at some point you just might. A separation agreement is simply not enough when there are ongoing disputes about the care of the children, so get representation in court and have plenty of proof that is "in the best interest of the children" to argue your case.

2. Proceed cautiously when dating.

You never want to date someone soon after breaking up with a partner, at least not for all eyes to see, because this might be misconstrued as cheating which won't help matters.

3. Jealous emotions and anger out of nowhere.

You might have thought everything was okay between you and he in the beginning. That is until he starts ranting about the littlest of things. Deep down inside he is angry about you moving on with your life and jealous of the possibility that you might do it with someone who is better than he.

4. Children misbehaving.

From sleepless nights to acting out in school, children will not behave in the way that you want on a consistent basis for awhile. It takes some children longer than others to adjust to two homes, two parties, two holidays, and other changes that you and your ex-partner have set up at each of your locations.

5. Distance from relatives and friends.

Depending on how close the relationship, your relatives and mutual friends may behave differently toward you. Some may come around more during this stressful time of your life and others might act distant. You will know where these people's loyalty lies. When you discover the truth about some so-called relatives and friends, avoid talking to them about anything that is personal.

6. Money woes.

Breakups cost money especially if you are the one moving. So be prepared for the onslaught of bills. Collectors might call, overdrafts might start appearing on your bank account, past due maxed out credit card bills, etc. If you plan well and sell as much as you can to offset the bills, you might come out ahead.

7. Vengeance.

Your ex may promise not to do anything to hurt you, but if he has feelings of hurt he may do the total opposite. He may abuse joint accounts that you have yet to clear your name from. Talk negatively about you to relatives and friends. Sleep around. Ride women in his car. Stalk or threaten you. If you notice any abusive behavior or potentially abusive behavior like destroying property, notify authorities. You might think it isn't a big deal, but just think of the women who died due to a break up because they didn't tell anyone about the signs leading up to their former partner's evil actions.

There are many more things you might encounter after a break up, but just remember if you have a faith, you will see the positive in every situation. Do pray. Confide in a trusted friend. Make necessary business calls to resolve your issues. Save money.

Nicholl McGuire

Moms: A Walking Target to Be Scammed, Taken for Granted

I was walking through the mall with my family and there she was standing next to a kiosk complimenting me on how nice-looking my children were. I was flattered and stopped to talk to her. She told me about an upcoming audition for children to be in a commercial for the Nickelodeon and Disney channels. I was excited and listened intently.

Meanwhile, my children came over to find out what I was smiling about and she drew them into her conversation by talking about their looks, asking them about their talents, and showing pictures of some of the children she supposedly got "six figures" because of her discoveries. But something just wasn't right, and I wanted to make the negative feeling in spirit go away so I talked to her some more. Finally, after a little prompting from the man of the house with, "We have to go..." She gave me her business card and a small flier with directions on where to take the children the following day.

On the way home, we talked about our encounter, the children and I, we talked about my past auditions and how to act and what to say. We even role-played once we got home. "Was this too good to be true?" I thought. I decided to pray with the children and asked God for revelation about the meeting. Well, it wasn't long before I was surfing on the Internet, that same night, to find that similar situations happened to other families. They too had been approached by someone in the mall about the same auditions and they went.

It turned out that once these families had arrived at the audition location, there children were sent off into a classroom that basically offered future classes for things like acting. Parents were expected to pay for all sorts of classes to prepare their children for future auditions. So it turns out that the so-called audition was nothing more than a lure to get into naive parents bank accounts. Why pay for something that you can get through a real talent agency sometimes for free or at a discount?

I had to break the news to my children about my discovery. They weren't happy. My son said, "Why would she do that? Why lie?" I looked again at the woman's card and in less than an eight point size font at the bottom of the card was a statement that said this is not for an audition. What? She misrepresented the company with false promises.

There were other times that we were walking as a family and people asked me for money. For some reason, they assumed that me, a mom of four, would give to this cause and that one, support a children's program, or do other things because "with your big family you can afford it." That is the furthest thing from the truth! If anything, we should be the last group of people that any salesperson should bother. One day, I went off on a young man asking me for money on the street--I was having a bad day with my boys. I said, "Do you see all these kids? Do I look like I have money? Don't ask a mother with children for any money! You hear me..." He looked at me with a weird look and kept walking.

When you are a mom you are a target for sales representatives asking if you things like: do you want to take out insurance on your child, buy toys, candy, home decor, even children's vitamins, join scam home businesses, sign up for children's programs like bible studies (they cost too every time they pass that basket around,) music and karate lessons, volunteer for nonprofits, and care for other people's children. I think of the many people who attempted to befriend me since I have had children. "Oh she can watch my children, she has some of her own--she will be good!" Funny, I rarely saw nor heard from these people beforehand.

Nicholl McGuire