Guilt

So you promised your son or daughter something and you were unable to follow through. You may be the type of parent who runs out and buys your child anything he or she wants to make up for it. You may even rally up support from others to encourage you because you failed yet again to fulfill a promise. I'm sure you have learned from experience this behavior simply isn't good.

You see, the more we screw up as parents, the more we think we can replace our errors with things. However, as much as the child loves "the thing" he or she really wants you to mean what you say and say what you mean. Besides, what if you don't have the money to keep up with all your guilt feelings, then what? I could think of a few other feelings you might have: anger with child, resentment and blame. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be out here in traffic buying your bratty butt another toy!" Well, if you didn't allow guilt feelings to overwhelm you in the first place, then you wouldn't be toting your tired child around in traffic trying to buy them yet another toy!

You can stop feelings of guilt before they start by:

• Following through with your promise(s) or even better don't make any more promises you can't keep.
• Avoid impulse gift-buying to hide feelings of guilt. Rather, plan something similar within your budget. For instance, if you missed taking them to the park, reschedule the park visit or choose an even better park--don't buy a toy to substitute an event. The child was anticipating the park visit, not a toy and he or she will only come back later and say, "So when are we going to the park?" now you are spending more money than you had planned.
• Talk to your child about your mistake and ask for forgiveness (that's right even if they don't know what it means, you can teach them.)
• Tell your child what you will be doing in the future to ensure that what you did won't happen again. For example, "I'm sorry I didn't take you to your friend's house like I had promised. Next time, I will let you go on a weekend; rather than telling you I will take you during the week when I know it will conflict with my schedule."
• Communicate with your partner about your intentions before making any commitments to your child. This way your partner won't be telling the child things you may or may not be able to do for your son or daughter.
  

If you are a spiritual parent, remember to take a moment and go to your Maker in prayer FIRST when you mess up with your children and hopefully you will do better next time.

Nicholl

The Year of the Woman circa 1992-1993

I was watching an old television episode from a show that use to come on the NBC network years ago after the Cosby show would come on entitled, A Different World. This particular episode dealt with the struggles women have had over the years living in "a man's world." You know, the double standards we have all had to face at one time or another when it comes to leadership roles, politics, intimate relationships, parenting, etc. But what I had come away with from watching this particular episode (which also had some funny moments related to the Clinton campaign back then, Ross Perot and other political issues) was the emphasis placed on independent, strong women.

Well, I for one, came out of what I would like to call "a 90s feminist movement." One that practically brainwashed young women to live our dreams, yet frowned on things like being a wife and mother until long after you have established your career or anything else you wanted out of life including: dating as many men as you want, traveling wherever you want (without children mind you,) obtaining as many degrees as you can, and anything else that was all about you!

Now fast forward to the thirty-something group of women today who had been indoctrinated by the year of the women 1990s campaigning and you have yourself a bunch of women who are experiencing the following: disappointed that their dreams didn't pan out as promised by relatives, friends, counselors and the like. You have another group of women who have post-poned marriage and family so long to the point that they are hoping and praying that their eggs won't be defective. Then there is another group of women who have families but deep down inside resent them, because all they did was set them back to the 1950s (their grandmother's and mother's eras.) Amongst all theses groups are women who have either just gave up the 90s independent women brainwashing and settled with being a wife and mom or figured out a way to balance many roles (including acting like the man of the house) but not without a lot of stress trying to be everything to everyone.

She is not only the woman in her relationship, but the man too. She is expected to work (she has no choice anymore on whether she wants to stay at home and raise the children.) She is expected to continue her duties (just like in the past) clean her household, cook, teach children, run errands (because many drive unlike yesteryear), and do anything else that is required of her while the man's role in many relationships hasn't changed much. Sure, he may pick up a dish or two and put it in the dishwasher. He might even run the vacuum or dust, but he isn't going to do chores as much as he will sit on his behind and watch TV! So what happens? The overworked career mom who is shuffling children around and maintaining household burns out! She realizes that she better lighten her load and fast otherwise her only peace will be six feet deep! So she makes up in her mind to relieve herself of some duties including an unappreciative spouse and whiny children. Be it right or wrong, that's what she does. The independent 90s woman is not conditioned to be a wife or mom. She is programmed to be one thing and one thing only--a money machine! She is to stimulate the economy by making money and then spending it on any and everything. If she is at home being a parent, she isn't making any money. If she is working a part-time job, she isn't spending as much. If she is tending to an ill relative, she isn't out working. The 90s independent woman was to cheer for career and boo wife and motherhood!

So why would I think back to the 90s? Because after seeing that front page story on Yahoo about the mother who decided to quit motherhood and work in Hiroshima and other mothers like her, I realized that the 90s programming has long been manifesting, but the women have suppressed their true desires and went along to believe the hype! She saw independent Barbie growing up. She saw the poster with the woman flexing a muscle and wearing a scarf on her head from the feminist movement. She liked the freedom that men have always had to be who they want to be--and she wanted it too!

By the time these 90 independent thinking women reached middle-age, they are burn-out with everything (career and family) and the only way to survive is to lighten the load! The careers with all their financial benefits don't get thrown overboard, because it wouldn't make sense to toss the thing out that is keeping a roof over your head and food in your belly. Rather, it's the man, the children, the in-laws, her parents and anything else that prevents her from continuing to be that independent 90s woman she was indoctrinated to be! So while some of my sisters could care less about God, country and family all the while believing that they were making their own choices in life, the media, government, college textbooks and other teaching tools was pushing us to become what they felt would be best for the economy not best mentally, spiritually or physically! The bottom line: the almighty dollar.

The 70s feminist movement hasn't left, the 90s independent woman thinking hasn't gone away, it keeps coming up year after year in television PROGRAMMING. It shows up on the front page of Yahoo. It comes out over the radio airwaves and we fall for it hook, line and sinker--we fall for it! We tell little girls especially when we have been jilted by men, "Go girl! Make that money! Don't depend on any man..." Some girls take our talks to the extreme and before long they are dating Paula and not Paul. We tell her, "Go play ball...you can do whatever a boy can do!" While ignoring her PMS issues, menstrual cycle, and overall femininity. We make a boy out of her! We cause debates with the opposite sex because we are spending far too much time concerning ourselves with every issue, but the ones that can better us as wives and mothers! Who cares about how great a sports athlete is? What about your son or daughter who has been calling you to come to see what they are doing? Who gives a d*mn about some sitcom on TV when your relationship is in trouble? But we argue don't we? Over the littlest of things. Because we are strong women, who have to make our point! Meanwhile, that man you say you love is fantasizing about a woman with a little less mouth and a whole lot of body! lol

As much as I consider myself an independent, strong woman (who took a hiatus from family sometime ago, you remember if you have been following this blog,) spiritually I had to come back. I had to strip myself from the 90s programming and come back to what matters at the end of the day, family. Money comes, and money goes, but your love for family always remains. Suppress your feelings all you want...Welcome home, sister!

Nicholl

My Cheat Sheet for the Teen Years: My Diaries

During the winter school break, I was cleaning out my closet and came across my diaries. I kept quite a few dating as far back as nine years old, I am now in my mid-thirties.

I flipped through a few of my books decorated with my pen scribblings and that's when I came across my tween years into teen years. You gotta love it, a typical rebellious teen! Entry after entry cussing about the parents, loving a boy one minute, hating another the next. There were the back-stabbing b*tches I couldn't stand to look at much less sit in the same class with. There were the entries that talked about unexpected colds and PMS cramps that kept me home when I had rather be socializing with my friends via my numerous extracurricular activities like running track, Student Council, the student newspaper, and the school choir.

I admit I was an angry teen for the most part beginning around the tween years at about age 11. Why? Because my parents were strict! There was no living the typical teen life in their household. When I began to find the assertive me as my breast developed more and my voice changed, my mother accused me of "sniffing" myself. An old school term typically used in the black community that pretty much meant one thing, "you like them boys!" This meant I wouldn't be visiting any one's home, riding on public transportation with friends, allowed to watch school sporting events, and I definitely wouldn't be allowed to have a boyfriend (publicly, but I still had one or two anyway despite parental warnings) until 17 years! When those very observant, wise mothers took one look at me when I was about 15, they knew I had a boyfriend back then, but you couldn't tell my mother that! "My daughter has no boyfriends! And I resent you suggesting that..." she told one who just smiled and gave me a wink when mom was looking.

I think the parents who have the worse time with their teens, like those I recall complaining about my friends and I when we were young, were those that allowed themselves to be out of touch with what it means to be a teen. They chose to forget the times they mumbled under their breath to mom and/or dad when they didn't want to do anything. They have selective memory when it comes to lying and stealing. And they have amnesia when it comes to the things they did behind their parents back that would have shamed them if only mom and dad knew!

At first I thought about tossing those old diaries, but I changed my mind, because I believe they will come in handy when my son hits 13 in less than two years. For I will look back at the things I said about my own parents who clearly didn't understand me and remind myself, "Remember what you did...remember how you felt..." and just maybe those old books will bring me a tad bit of peace.

To all you mothers out there fighting the good fight with your teens, I commend you. Do look back on your own years, remind yourself, you turned out alright through all the rebellion, misconduct, disrespect, etc.

God bless.

P.S. Take advantage of herbal supplements, prescription medicines, and vitamins they can help a hormonal teen especially one with a lot of acne--I'm a witness!

My Head Was Going to Pop Off!

There was so much going on from the phone ringing to spills on the floor, the four boys were having disagreements with one another one after the other. I was trying to make meals, delegate chores, help another paint, and separate two crying toddlers and that's when it happened--pressure rising in my head!

I headed to the bathroom and could barely let a deep breath out. My mind was letting me know we are about to take a vacation again. The last time I felt this much pressure, a panic anxiety attack came out of nowhere and there I sat frozen staring at my children! I couldn't talk, walk or anything. Months later, I was the butt of one of my son's jokes. "Glad you think its funny," I told my class clown. "But what if I didn't come out of that one, did you ever think of that?" The laughing stopped. "It's just that you looked so funny..." He must have noticed a strange look on my face that said, "Just walk away while you still have the chance."

Living in the house with all penises (I mean boys) can get next to you as the only woman of the house! There are the urine stains that show up soon after you just disinfected the toilet, the new pubic hairs that my middle son wants me to "check out," the references to itching and adjusting--"Do I really want to hear or see all of this?" I told the same son who thinks that panic anxiety is "too funny," "You are getting too old to call me into the bathroom to check out your penis issues, see a doctor." He laughed. One day he will make some woman proud.

I tell you, the joys of parenting, I see them few and far in between. The other day I was ready to ask anyone on the street, "You want to watch my kids?" Of course, I didn't, because it was anyone on the street--might not go over too well with the Mister.

I just don't get it, why all the crying with the little ones whenever you ask them (even nicely mind you) to clean up your toys and get ready to eat or put your shoes on we are going out (last I checked kids enjoy going out.) Sometimes I just don't know...

Nicholl McGuire

Being Open to Everything, Wasn't Good for Me

In 1999 I had my first child and if there was one thing I learned it was, "I was no longer open-minded once I became a mother." My "all paths lead to Christ, pro-choice, sexually immoral, cursing like a sailor, partying in the club self" that had slowed down prior to my firstborn's birth was absent by the time he was born!

You see, I couldn't very well maintain a certain lifestyle and call myself a "mother." For some moms, there's nothing wrong with doing any of these things n(in moderation they claim, but just wait until their children do it,) because well they are still very much open-minded. It's okay in some moms' worlds to accept just about anything when outside the home talking in groups, but let "anything" show up at the door and now she has boundaries. "I don't want my son hanging around him...my daughter will not be seen with him...I don't want my children around those people!" I guess she isn't so open-minded after all, huh?

I had befriended every sexual orientation under the sun offline prior to my days of being a believer and having a child even visited a club or two. There are some people in my social networks right now, both family and friends, who still live that lifestyle. The difference from the past and now, they know where I stand. I am not as open-minded as I once was and don't mind fighting for truth! Yet, this society of openness doesn't want us to have any boundaries, morals, absolute truths, even rules. They shut you out of certain circles if you take a stand on immoral behaviors. They call you names if you try to expose errors in so-called truths. They threaten your family. They attempt to delete you and your views clear off the Internet!

Our society has a bunch of robotic people brainwashed to make us act in ways that elitists want us to act--law abiding, quiet folk who mind their own business. Ever wonder why our government provides so many things on TV, the Internet, and on the radio? There are those that don't want you coming out of your homes unless you are working or entertaining yourself indoors-distractions! If you don't spend much time studying various brainwashing techniques, you wouldn't know that even you have been brainwashed to buy into a certain belief, purchase a certain product or service, or say and do certain things to further someone else's cause.

There is something about having children that snaps you back into reality! That makes you think less about your self and more about them. You re-learn what it means to love. You rediscover who you are as a woman and what you really want to do with the rest of your life. You are very critical of yourself. And of course, you are concerned about you and your family's image.

Nicholl McGuire












Nicholl McGuire