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Thursday

Becoming Your Mother's Mom

It's hard to have a parent with dementia. Not just for the obvious reasons -- the dementia. However, the other really big difficulty is the change in relationship.

Dementia takes away a number of very important abilities. That's exactly why the many dementing illnesses, of which Alzheimer's is only one, are so hard for families.

As adults, we make our own decisions. We plan. We follow through. We pay bills. We shop. We keep doctor's appointments. We drive to our friend's house for dinner. We live our life. At some point in the course of dementia, all of that will be stripped away.

The stripping usually begins item by item. Each step of that process poses a new dilemma for you. When do you take over each part of your Mom's life? How do you know if it's too soon? How do you know what you should do? When do you become boss?

For the outside person, a professional caregiver like me, it's much easier. So you could always start by asking yourself a few vital questions that we outsiders would ask.

Five Questions to Ask Yourself:
1. Is Mom safe in all she does?
2. Is she eating, drinking, bathing and dressing adequately?
3. Should she be driving?
4. Does she take her medicines properly?
5. Is she safe in the kitchen?

If you can't answer a resounding YES to all these, you do have a problem. Or rather, you have a dementia trend which results in problems, some of them very dangerous. Time to intervene.

Usually, already when families have the question -- when should we intervene with Mom? -- the answer is already "Now"! Family members are asking the question because they have already noticed signs of things not being okay.

It's always helpful to list the issues. The things you've noticed, the signs of decline, the factors that worry you. Run my Alzheimer's test: see what fresh foods are in the refrigerator, run your finger along the stove and see if there's the dust of an unused appliance, check washing machine and dryer to look for signs of
laundry in process, ask Mom what she did yesterday, sneak a look at her mail for unpaid bills and too much junk mail.

I know this sounds underhand, and it is, but for a very good reason. You want to know if your Mom needs help and she won't admit it. Two reasons: one is she doesn't remember the chaos her life is descending into and two is that she's too afraid to tell you.

Five Things Your Mom Hides:
1. That she can't manage;
2. That she's very frightened;
3. That she's confused;
4. That she can't remember;
5. That she's not willing tell you her needs.

She's in a very difficult stage of her life. She's a responsible adult who can't be that any more. So now she's a responsible adult with childlike fears and adolescent attitudes. That's why your relationship is getting complicated.

You are now the boss of her. But you must not boss her. You must support, nurture, protect and tiptoe forward subtly to pick up her slack with tact and kindness. Do not turn anything into a battle. You will both lose and it will be emotionally wrenching.

Five Things to Do Right now:
1. Bring meals over (or have them delivered);
2. Organize help with the housekeeping;
3. Dementia-proof her environment;
4. Call a family council;
5. Make a family plan.

Be kind to your Mom. That's the only way she'll trust you.

Frena Gray-Davidson is a longterm Alzheimer's caregiver and her latest book is "Alzheimer's 911: Hope, Help and Healing for Caregivers", available from http://www.amazon.com. Go to her website at http://www.alzguide.com/ and sign up for her free monthly email newsletter for caregivers.

Monday

Worry

As mothers we worried about everything from where our sons and daughters are to how soon will we see them again. When we find ourselves thinking about everything that could go wrong with our children while they are way from us, we ought to also think about everything that could go right!

Most often worry can be defeated by changing thoughts.

Nicholl McGuire
http://organizerhome.blogspot.com

Feeling Loved and Accepted

Sometimes mothers think that the only way they can get married or find someone new is to make the man feel obligated to them by having more children. If you were to step outside of your mind and become the man for a moment looking at you, what he would see is a frazzled woman, cooking, cleaning, hair undone, no makeup, and caring for children, I can almost bet you that’s not what he really had in mind. Instead, he sees the beautiful woman he first met complete with hair done, nails polished, waxed, trimmed, and perfected in the image of whatever he fantasized.

One way we can feel loved and accepted not just by a man but ourselves too, is to model positive, strikingly beautiful women inside and out while maintaining the personality that caused him to fall in love with us. When you feel good about yourself, the world will indeed take notice with comments like, “You look nice today, your hair is pretty, where are you going…can I come?”

Nicholl McGuire
http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com

Friday

A Simple Tip to Keep the Children & Teens Busy on Weekends

I don't know about you, but I don't like to see my children waste a weekend playing video games all day! So what I do is make plans for them on weekends especially when the weather is not good. The first thing I do is get the notebook and pen out and I create a time chart based on their waking hours usually I make it neat enough to hang up or I write notes on a dry erase board that in the past I hung up in their room before we relocated. Basically it looks something like this... I include action photos, stick figures and stickers for the little ones who can't read. 

 8:00 - Wash face, brush teeth, and put your clothes on. 

 9:00 - Watch television, computer time, or play video games using ear phones. 
 
10:00 - Breakfast 

11:00 - For older ones read a book, complete homework, or do practice math and reading worksheets. The younger ones: color, toys, stack blocks, or other age appropriate activity. 

12 noon - nap time for the little ones and "do nothing" time for the tweens. During this time I encourage the older ones to reflect on their day, the past, present and future. 

Since I am a praying mother, I encourage them to use this time to talk to God quietly in their minds. Its like a form of meditation and it works when they are lying down on their beds usually they will go to sleep too. The remaining part of the day is usually planned out as well. Sometimes we deviate from the schedule because we may have errands to run and places to go. I provide enough time between activities and projects for them to complete them during the evening since the day begins to slow down for me, but pick back up for them since they are energized. 

I encourage any parent to relax while the household is quiet. Rather than participating in physical activities that will only leave you tired and irritable and not recharged to deal with the children during the second half of the day, do those tasks (like exercising) while they are awake. Get them involved. 

Let the older ones do chores and use an incentive program for their assistance such as: pizza, money, or a new toy, game or article of clothing they really like. I noticed that with a well-planned weekend, the children's behavior was much better and I didn't have to discipline as much. After awhile they get used to your plan and they just start doing things without your asking. 

My eldest son (who stays with his dad but comes during school breaks) doesn't have to be told anything. He use to come over and look at his schedule, now he just does things automatically including dusting! Hope this works for you! Nicholl McGuire http://www.twitter.com/motherhoodtips

How to Get Along With Your Mother-in-Law

'As If and if only' (As if - is for the possibility of getting along with her. If only - is, there have been innumerable suggestions given on perfecting the balancing act and yet there is need for more...). That's a 'big IF', mind you on both counts. World over if at all there is unity among women it is about 'the m-in-law' factor. It is the bane of every woman who sees her macho male go putty in his mommy's hands much to our dismay. For the mother (in law) it is her ultimate achievement, her crowning glory to be in control of her son. She knows to push his buttons and that necessarily need not be in favor to you. So how to win over this matron (some would call her the wicked witch! I wouldn't go that far, because I too have a son!)

First and foremost, don't get into the marriage with any preconceived notions. Bias is very often the culprit for souring relationships. Keep an open mind.

When talking to your m-i-l dear, approach her with kindness. Empathy goes a long way in softening even the strongest of hearts. After all, she too has been a d-i-l once. Having said that, this does not mean you are a door mat. You need to look after your self esteem too.

In case of a tug of war (especially one of word clash) - being silent is your biggest weapon. By keeping quiet you are not weak rather you are smart, people savvy. By not saying anything you are giving less fodder for her verbal duel. It takes two hands to clap. So keep mum. I know the provocation would be too much to resist. You might be goaded to retaliate. Don't do it. Clamp your lips. Clench your teeth. As a last resort, bite your tongue. Do whatever it takes to keep your mouth shut.

Trust me this will go a long way in maintaining peace at home. After all, how much can one person talk without a reaction?

By ignoring her tirade you are reinforcing the message that you are unperturbed by her ramblings. Carry on with your work as usual. Jain saint Mahavira once said, 'Tolerance is the best form of punishment.' That's philosophy. On a more practical note ignorance works better to make people toe the line, especially if their behavior is unwarranted.

Nobody likes to be slighted. The need to belong and be cherished is the latent need of all relationships. So, make an effort to be amicable to your m-i-l. After all she is your hubby's mom. For you to like him, she must have done something right.

Credit her with good upbringing if not for anything else. Every body loves a compliment. Make your m-i-l's day by praising her skills. Keep the flattery as close to truth as possible. Anything too sugary can be seen outright as lying and seen suspiciously.

If not for anything your m-i-l has seen more in life than you have done. Accept her point of view but you don't have to follow it. It's all about how you say the words. Be polite yet resolute. Be kind yet firm.

This is your life and how you live it is your prerogative. But, if there is something that can enhance the quality of life through her suggestion take it. It's for your betterment. That she might say it for the welfare of her son is secondary. By being married to her boy you are also entitled to benefit from it.

Admit it your husband is the apple of his mom's eye. I know sometimes it does get overboard and can become your eyesore. But look on the positive side, by getting your m-i-l on your side you not only have harmony but also approval from your husband.

That his wife is getting along with his mother could actually grease the wheels of domestic life and make it more enriching and rewarding.

If you are living separately and only visiting your in-laws - hurray you don't have the hassle of 'm-i-l syndrome' on daily basis except for the weekly rituals. The cardinal rule would be to go along with your husband and play the role of the dutiful daughter in law. By visiting them despite you knowing they are ignoring you and they knowing that you know it too... you will win their grudging admiration in the long run. Even if they don't shout it off the rooftops, there will be silent acknowledgement of your efforts to be included into the family fold.

You need not famously get along with your m-i-l, at least try to have a working relationship for the sake of your husband; more importantly, for the sake of your children.

Children have these antennae to pick out 'stress signals'. Their uncanny ability to radar out strains in the relationship can be detrimental not only for their emotional well being but also hamper their bonding your m-i-l (their grandma).

The Freudian theory is that the wife and the mother are in love with the same man. It is a kind of triangular love relationship, hence there is bound to be this constant power struggle as to who has an upper hand with the guy. The tussle has nothing to do with rationale and everything to do with emotions. It is this striving for one 'upmanship' that is the root cause for the m-i-l to be called monster in law (see the movie of the same name * ing Jane Fond and Jennifer Lopez). You'll understand what I'm talking about.

But at the end of the day, both of you love the same guy. So learn to call a truce if not able to make peace with your m-i-l. This will absolve you of later regrets and future guilt. By learning to forgive the past misgivings you not only heal faster inside but will also be able to move forward positively in your relationship with your husband. That is what marriage is all about - forgiving and moving forward as a team.

By Sandya Dev

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When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on book by Nicholl McGuire, When Mothers Cry.

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