Happy Mother's Day

With Mother's Day fast approaching, I can't help but think of those people who have no mother. Whether she passed away or is simply not around, they will have to listen or be around people who do talk about their mother.

What does that feel like anyway? Listening to someone who wants to make you feel better about your grief while they complain about their mother and children in front of you. I guess some people feel like it will somehow make you think of all the negative times you had with your own mother.

For almost three years I hadn't seen my mother in person due to a relocation, I know some people's situations were much worse, but I am not looking to make a competition of pain. For me, it hurt at times thinking that some of the best moments of my life my mother would miss. I mean if she had been deceased or disabled, I could understand, but she wasn't neither of these things, and I just wanted her to be around some times to see the grandchildren and talk about anything. However, she didn't want to ride the plane and she left me hoping that one day she might. Many Mother's Days over the years came and went being 3000 miles away from home, and two hours away from two of my children, sometimes I got a card in the mail from someone, sometimes I didn't. One year I made the effort to see my children on Mother's Day and was so glad I did, another year I made the effort to see my mother and grandmother for Mother's Day so glad that I did that too! But if I thought that the favor would be returned, that was wishful thinking on my part. I learned that a good Mother's Day is the one that you create, not necessarily the one that is created for you. I guess this concept would make sense for some. Think of a pregnancy and how what is going on inside of the womb is a creation - a small being- that is growing inside of us! Sometimes we need to ask the powers that be, God, Jesus or whoever you may call your deity, "What idea, action, or dream will you impregnate within me for the next day, month, or years? How can I take this day that man has appointed to me and make it into something special?"

I had wished that I could be with my children sometimes for Mother's Day and other times I wish that literally it was "a mother's day" a day to get away from the diapers, whines, and cries. I guess the point of this blog entry is to remind you to have a Happy Mother's Day whether you are a mother, have no mother, or wish to be a mother and most of all make it your own creation even when others don't acknowledge it!

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother Told Her Children, "You are not mine!"

I was stunned at first when I heard the story of a mother denying her adult children after she had abandoned them years ago. When confronted by her children on separate occassions, she was asked, "Why did you leave us?" I don't know if the children were disrespectful to her when they asked. I don't know if she became rude with them. The woman, who I will name Eunice, had been in a very abusive relationship with their father is what I do know. Fearing that he would kill Eunice if she took the children, she left. She was heavy into drugs and alcohol years ago so I have been told as well. For years, no one knew where she went after she left the children! Until one day someone told her ex-husband she had joined a cult and produced a new family with someone else. Meanwhile the father, who had his share of issues with drugs, alcohol, etc. didn't know what to do with the four children (two boys and two girls) so he left them with his mother (their grandmother.) The grandmother wasn't much on raising children herself since she had been a very young parent when she had her own and really didn't want the burden of raising her grandchildren. Needless to say their stay with her was short-lived and eventually they were all placed in foster care homes.

After years of foster care and living on and off with relatives, the children just wanted the opportunity to talk with their mother and find answers to their questions that had been buried within their hearts and minds for years. At first, the meeting with their mother seemed to bring some peace, but in time as they got to learn more about her, they grew not to like her even more! For reasons the extended family is not clear about.

When I think of this story, I can't help but think of the many mothers out there who can't help what they have become, it is obvious that years of drug abuse warped the woman's mind. Although people don't like to use drugs or alcohol as excuses, they do contribute to the breakdown of one's mental capabilities. Why would these adult children assume that they could reason with a woman who would one day tell them quite boldly, "You are not mine!" For a woman to deny her children, she is either upset through the roof at them, herself, life (only God knows her rage,) or she is mentally incapable of handling herself, let alone what has come from her body. Either way, I can't help but think why would the children, now adults, continue to subject themselves to her abuse? Even after they were told this, they still tried to reach out to her often fighting with her rather than making peace with the situation.

I guess what disturbs me the most about this story is that no one really pays close attention to mental illness. Sure you are told that a person is crazy, but when it's one's own mother, that is a hard pill to swallow! She is not forgiven for those times when she was out of her mind, couldn't grab a rail and lift herself up let alone her children...even when her mind is in a state of confusion she is still expected to mother! I think there is a double standard when it comes to mothers and fathers. It's okay to excuse his abusive behavior because he was an alcoholic or on drugs.

When I heard more of this woman's story, it seemed she had some kind of nervous breakdown, because the day she decided to leave she took nothing with her and up to that point she had exhibited signs of suicide. In addition, she wasn't always on drugs or alcohol during motherhood, because she had a thriving career as a model. There was definitely more to her story! In recent years she has still exhibited signs that she isn't mentally well and yet her children do nothing more than curse her. I guess since abuse is familar territory for them, they will take whatever they can get from her whether crippled, blind or crazy, she is still mom.

Seven Points People Fail To Understand When it Comes to Motherhood Trials & Tribulations

Some times the reason why conflict arises between mothers and everyone else, is due to some people not being careful what they say to mothers. They fail to understand a mother's pain, grief, circumstance, and so forth. They assume that they know what they are talking about when in fact they aren't knowledgeable enough to understand a mother's plight. So I thought of seven tips that I hope will help those who don't know any better. All I can say, is may God have mercy on them when their trials come, because THEY WILL COME!


1. The way you may handle parenting issues may not make sense or be feasible to other mothers, so avoid the temptation to think your way is the only or best way, because most likely it isn't.

2. When a mother misses her children, what favors she asks of you, if reasonable, should be granted. Why does she have to explain why she wants to talk or see her children to anyone?

3. Just because a woman is a mother doesn't mean that she will treat her children like you would.

4. Don't falsely assume that because one mother can juggle the following without falling apart: spouse, job, child, activities, and people, other mothers will and can do the same!

5. Don't ever volunteer your explanation for why someone's child was murdered, died, or some other horrible thing! You can't bring the mother's child back, so be careful with your reasoning. Most likely, she has her own thoughts to answer her question of "why" which may bring her peace no matter how absurb, crazy, or irrational her reasoning might be -- don't try to that away from her! Unless you can bring her child back from the grave or can heal him or her physically, listen more!

6. Being a mother isn't a game or competition and shouldn't be treated as such! Don't wish for a relative, friend, neighbor or co-worker's life! Keep away from negative thinking such as telling yourself, "...if you have more children than him or her that you will feel better." Instead, consider that their lives have more trials and tribulations than yours, so don't give any attention to braggarts!

7. Everyone doesn't have a faith; but it doesn't make a woman less than a mother because she chooses not to worship a deity. So avoid the temptation to judge or be critical; rather embrace your sister and pray for her secretly.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For other articles related to parenting issues, money, relationships, and more, visit www.associated.content.com/nichollmcguire

Unloved

You may be a mother who had children for a man whom you thought loved you. You may have thought that your role as mother was worth so much more than an occassional hug, a holiday card, or a gift. Your children may not think much of your role, because they are either too young or old enough to know better, but refuse to acknowledge you as such. Whatever the case may be, it is the sickness you feel in the pit of your stomach and the ache you sometimes feel in your throat when you can't talk about the man or the children without choking up. Summed up in three words: you feel unloved!

I know because I have felt like this in the past similar to what Leah in the Bible must have felt like, even though I didn't purposely get pregnant (like she did) so that my men would love me, I know about that feeling of rejection. You see, I thought that I would be treated with some honor because I was a mother, but I learned that just because you feel a certain way about being a mother doesn't mean that the world will treat you like one! You may not carry yourself in a way that fits someone else's definition of what a mother is supposed to act like. I know at times I didn't fit anyone's definition, especially when I had bad stomach cramps and an unsupportive partner -- people just don't visualize mothers having bad days. When I say unsupportive, I mean, he was not interested in trying to make my role any easier. He wasn't interested in helping me ease my burdens as it related to the children. I needed daycare, he didn't want them in there. I needed more help from his side of the family, he didn't bother to go out of his way to get them to help me. I wanted him to treat me more like a woman such as making love, dating, etc. He rather treat me more like a babysitter and roommate.

One day I thought about women, myself included, who have relationships that started out good yet ended badly once the children arrived. A break up is challenging enough to deal with, but what's worse, is watching the father make your replacement (the other woman) feel more special than you! Here you are the woman who gave birth to the children, made sacrifices for them, loved and desired your man, yet he can manage to find the time to show another woman a good time while you sit at home not only spending time with your children, but babysit for him as well! I laughed to myself one day, as I was making food for the children, because I was thinking about the quickest way to administer justice on a father/partner who says, "He is bored, fallen out of love with you, needs some space..." is to give him custody of the children! Since he made you feel unloved during the relationship, didn't appreciate the efforts you had made with the children, and wouldn't do anything to make you feel comfortable being a mother, why not? Let him see how it feels to have to go everywhere with children in tote, to have to deal with the temper tantrums, to have to make time for their wants and needs, and to most of all feel unloved and unappreciated!

There are people in this world that often take advantage of mothers, because we have allowed them to do it. We don't make them suffer any consequences for the times they didn't help us when we needed them most, we don't allow them to experience parenting frustrations without playing Jesus, and we are often giving and never accepting the opportunities that are thrown our way to help us get back in touch with ourselves. If we are allowing these sorts of things to happen, then we can't expect much from our relationships.

Although we can't make a person love us, we can make them understand that our role isn't as easy as they think it is and when times get rough, we don't always have to be available. Sometimes we will have to turn off the phone, run some bath water, sit at a park, and do absolutely nothing!

Saying Goodbye to Our Children

THE LORD GIVES AND THE LORD TAKES AWAY...

She said goodbye to two sons -- one taken away by a bullet another taken away by a knife. She told other sons goodbye when they went off to war and went off to jail, she is my grandmother.

She said goodbye to a little baby girl who was born in this world stillborn, years later she would bury two more children out of twelve, she was my father's mother.

She said goodbye to her daughter who went off to college, relocated to two states with her grandchildren in tote, and almost said goodbye to her in sickness, she is my mother.

She said goodbye after a three hour conversation about her life such as obstacles she had to face as a mother of four and being a teenage mother at age 14, it was her last phone call to me before she died, she would have been my mother-in-law.

She said goodbye to her four children after two failed relationships. The first set of sons she had to let go of due to divorce. The court said it was in the best interest of the children to be with their father. The second set she had to say goodbye, because their father didn't have the strength to undergo difficult circumstances due to her health, all four sons three thousand miles away, she was me.

The examples you have just read are true stories of women who have had to undergo enormous stress, insourmountable odds, and much more to say, "Goodbye" to their children. From letting go of their children in death to finding the strength to walk away when you rather fight! What grief, pain, anger, envy, and bitterness a mother experiences! However, through it all a mother can still see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Although, she never gets over saying goodbye completely, she finds a way to keep on living despite her circumstances. She may turn to her faith, family, work more intensely at her job, create a foundation in rememberance of her child, or do something else to bless her with a sense of sanity and peace. Yet, there are mothers who have lost their faith, distance themselves from family and friends, and all but disappeared from society. They are not ready to move on, get over or anything else, because for them they feel they are leaving their babies behind. Even though this isn't correct thinking, and comes from a dark place of despair, this is how she feels and she doesn't want to hear you or I talking about trusting in God. As far as she is concerned, she isn't interested in God anymore! How could a God who loves her take the very thing away from her that made her so happy? This mother is miffed with God.

How do we reach out to our sisters who feel this way? We can start by listening. As women we always have so much to say, we are quick to share our experiences, but we don't consider what she must be going through. We fail to put ourselves in her shoes. If you recall, you weren't ready to embrace every positive thing or statement that came your way. You just wanted to be left alone to gather your thoughts to make some sense of something that at times has no comprehensible explanation. If you are worried about her, go into your closet and pray for her. If she opens up to you, sit back and listen. If you are aware of the things that might make her smile, get them for her. Remove your feelings out of the picture and concentrate on hers. She will at times love you, other times hate you and may offend you. But you are no friend, if you can't stick by her side when she needs you most!

To those mothers who are in similar situations as the ones described above, remember the good times and surround yourself with people and places that will keep you up! As I write I am in grief myself, but I appreciate the good, the bad and the ugly memories of my children, and at times I can't help but laugh! I laugh because I know that if they were in my presence I wouldn't do a d*mn thing different! They would say or do something to send me crazy and I would most likely yell, threaten, or put someone down on their bottom! They would do something sweet and I would most likely put my arms around them and kiss their faces! Find the good in every situation and remember those like yourself when you feel strong again...they need you too!