Competitive Mothers: "My child is better than yours..."

Sometimes when I am sitting amongst mothers I hear how some talk to one another. "Wow so your child is already learning that? Well my child is doing this...and this..." Someone else chimes in about their child and before long everyone is talking about what "my child" is doing. "Mine is in the gifted program...mine is taking Algebra already and he is only in the third grade...my child is an honors student...my child is a star athlete..." Can I just be frank, I really try to avoid this type of conversation. I mean my children are involved in quite a few things (and its only going to get worse the older they get,) but seriously, do I have to announce what they do to everyone often?

Moms like these are called, braggarts. For the purpose of this blog entry, let's define what a mom who is deemed a "braggart" means. According to Websters dictionary, a braggart (used as a noun) is "someone who boasts about achievements and possessions."

I think Facebook and other social media sites tend to attract boastful mothers. How easy it is to upload a photo of your child and all of his or her accomplishments for everyone to see? I guess there's nothing wrong with being "proud"--then again I will have to check on that one in the Bible, hmm. Maybe there is something wrong with boasting about one's child considering that what goes up will eventually come down at some point in life (we can only hope our children will rise back up again--look at us,) but I digress.

I think what is annoying is the way one talks about his or her child and how often the person does it. A periodic report, like checking in on a friend every now and then, about one's child, seems to be okay, but a daily even a weekly report--so I have learned from my own experience--not okay. Some people apparently connect online for adult conversation to escape from their children not necessarily talk about them. I guess braggarts didn't get the memo.

The haughty spirit of some moms tend to show up when people begin commenting on the photograph or announcement she has made about her child. Rather than mom sitting back and letting the comments roll, she has to say something. If a person chooses to step out the box of positive commenting and dare I say it, rebuke a mom about something she may have said about her children or did, the proud parent turns up his or her passionate speech, "Well my children don't do that...I do this with my children...I have family, a babysitter, and a counselor...my child is well-adjusted...I can't speak for other people's children because mine is....blah, blah, blah!" We get it.
Before long mom's message is made loud and clear, "My child is better than yours."

Nicholl McGuire

Bedtime Blues

The children use to cry when they first awoke each day as babies. Then they would cry when it was time to go to bed too. Well in their toddler years, my boys are still crying before bed-time. I guess it is a good sign they had a fun-filled day and they just can't get enough. However, it isn't good for my ears or emotions!

A long day of instructions takes its toll being a stay-at-home parent. The partner does his part to try to alleviate the fussing during the evenings, but sometimes his efforts are no help. Bedtime preparation that should only take a few minutes ends up taking hours. Anyone out there know what I am talking about?

You look around and there is something on the floor, something on the bed, someone is hollering about a toy, and we still haven't got to the part where child takes bath, dries off, puts on PJs, and brushes teeth!

Yes, my friends, we are putting our time in as moms! One day, someone will walk by with their cute little people and we will say, "Ahhh" and they will say, "Would you like to take them home with you?" And we will say, "No, thank you. I put my time in already."

I can't wait for that time!

Nicholl McGuire

Guilt

So you promised your son or daughter something and you were unable to follow through. You may be the type of parent who runs out and buys your child anything he or she wants to make up for it. You may even rally up support from others to encourage you because you failed yet again to fulfill a promise. I'm sure you have learned from experience this behavior simply isn't good.

You see, the more we screw up as parents, the more we think we can replace our errors with things. However, as much as the child loves "the thing" he or she really wants you to mean what you say and say what you mean. Besides, what if you don't have the money to keep up with all your guilt feelings, then what? I could think of a few other feelings you might have: anger with child, resentment and blame. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be out here in traffic buying your bratty butt another toy!" Well, if you didn't allow guilt feelings to overwhelm you in the first place, then you wouldn't be toting your tired child around in traffic trying to buy them yet another toy!

You can stop feelings of guilt before they start by:

• Following through with your promise(s) or even better don't make any more promises you can't keep.
• Avoid impulse gift-buying to hide feelings of guilt. Rather, plan something similar within your budget. For instance, if you missed taking them to the park, reschedule the park visit or choose an even better park--don't buy a toy to substitute an event. The child was anticipating the park visit, not a toy and he or she will only come back later and say, "So when are we going to the park?" now you are spending more money than you had planned.
• Talk to your child about your mistake and ask for forgiveness (that's right even if they don't know what it means, you can teach them.)
• Tell your child what you will be doing in the future to ensure that what you did won't happen again. For example, "I'm sorry I didn't take you to your friend's house like I had promised. Next time, I will let you go on a weekend; rather than telling you I will take you during the week when I know it will conflict with my schedule."
• Communicate with your partner about your intentions before making any commitments to your child. This way your partner won't be telling the child things you may or may not be able to do for your son or daughter.
  

If you are a spiritual parent, remember to take a moment and go to your Maker in prayer FIRST when you mess up with your children and hopefully you will do better next time.

Nicholl

The Year of the Woman circa 1992-1993

I was watching an old television episode from a show that use to come on the NBC network years ago after the Cosby show would come on entitled, A Different World. This particular episode dealt with the struggles women have had over the years living in "a man's world." You know, the double standards we have all had to face at one time or another when it comes to leadership roles, politics, intimate relationships, parenting, etc. But what I had come away with from watching this particular episode (which also had some funny moments related to the Clinton campaign back then, Ross Perot and other political issues) was the emphasis placed on independent, strong women.

Well, I for one, came out of what I would like to call "a 90s feminist movement." One that practically brainwashed young women to live our dreams, yet frowned on things like being a wife and mother until long after you have established your career or anything else you wanted out of life including: dating as many men as you want, traveling wherever you want (without children mind you,) obtaining as many degrees as you can, and anything else that was all about you!

Now fast forward to the thirty-something group of women today who had been indoctrinated by the year of the women 1990s campaigning and you have yourself a bunch of women who are experiencing the following: disappointed that their dreams didn't pan out as promised by relatives, friends, counselors and the like. You have another group of women who have post-poned marriage and family so long to the point that they are hoping and praying that their eggs won't be defective. Then there is another group of women who have families but deep down inside resent them, because all they did was set them back to the 1950s (their grandmother's and mother's eras.) Amongst all theses groups are women who have either just gave up the 90s independent women brainwashing and settled with being a wife and mom or figured out a way to balance many roles (including acting like the man of the house) but not without a lot of stress trying to be everything to everyone.

She is not only the woman in her relationship, but the man too. She is expected to work (she has no choice anymore on whether she wants to stay at home and raise the children.) She is expected to continue her duties (just like in the past) clean her household, cook, teach children, run errands (because many drive unlike yesteryear), and do anything else that is required of her while the man's role in many relationships hasn't changed much. Sure, he may pick up a dish or two and put it in the dishwasher. He might even run the vacuum or dust, but he isn't going to do chores as much as he will sit on his behind and watch TV! So what happens? The overworked career mom who is shuffling children around and maintaining household burns out! She realizes that she better lighten her load and fast otherwise her only peace will be six feet deep! So she makes up in her mind to relieve herself of some duties including an unappreciative spouse and whiny children. Be it right or wrong, that's what she does. The independent 90s woman is not conditioned to be a wife or mom. She is programmed to be one thing and one thing only--a money machine! She is to stimulate the economy by making money and then spending it on any and everything. If she is at home being a parent, she isn't making any money. If she is working a part-time job, she isn't spending as much. If she is tending to an ill relative, she isn't out working. The 90s independent woman was to cheer for career and boo wife and motherhood!

So why would I think back to the 90s? Because after seeing that front page story on Yahoo about the mother who decided to quit motherhood and work in Hiroshima and other mothers like her, I realized that the 90s programming has long been manifesting, but the women have suppressed their true desires and went along to believe the hype! She saw independent Barbie growing up. She saw the poster with the woman flexing a muscle and wearing a scarf on her head from the feminist movement. She liked the freedom that men have always had to be who they want to be--and she wanted it too!

By the time these 90 independent thinking women reached middle-age, they are burn-out with everything (career and family) and the only way to survive is to lighten the load! The careers with all their financial benefits don't get thrown overboard, because it wouldn't make sense to toss the thing out that is keeping a roof over your head and food in your belly. Rather, it's the man, the children, the in-laws, her parents and anything else that prevents her from continuing to be that independent 90s woman she was indoctrinated to be! So while some of my sisters could care less about God, country and family all the while believing that they were making their own choices in life, the media, government, college textbooks and other teaching tools was pushing us to become what they felt would be best for the economy not best mentally, spiritually or physically! The bottom line: the almighty dollar.

The 70s feminist movement hasn't left, the 90s independent woman thinking hasn't gone away, it keeps coming up year after year in television PROGRAMMING. It shows up on the front page of Yahoo. It comes out over the radio airwaves and we fall for it hook, line and sinker--we fall for it! We tell little girls especially when we have been jilted by men, "Go girl! Make that money! Don't depend on any man..." Some girls take our talks to the extreme and before long they are dating Paula and not Paul. We tell her, "Go play ball...you can do whatever a boy can do!" While ignoring her PMS issues, menstrual cycle, and overall femininity. We make a boy out of her! We cause debates with the opposite sex because we are spending far too much time concerning ourselves with every issue, but the ones that can better us as wives and mothers! Who cares about how great a sports athlete is? What about your son or daughter who has been calling you to come to see what they are doing? Who gives a d*mn about some sitcom on TV when your relationship is in trouble? But we argue don't we? Over the littlest of things. Because we are strong women, who have to make our point! Meanwhile, that man you say you love is fantasizing about a woman with a little less mouth and a whole lot of body! lol

As much as I consider myself an independent, strong woman (who took a hiatus from family sometime ago, you remember if you have been following this blog,) spiritually I had to come back. I had to strip myself from the 90s programming and come back to what matters at the end of the day, family. Money comes, and money goes, but your love for family always remains. Suppress your feelings all you want...Welcome home, sister!

Nicholl

My Cheat Sheet for the Teen Years: My Diaries

During the winter school break, I was cleaning out my closet and came across my diaries. I kept quite a few dating as far back as nine years old, I am now in my mid-thirties.

I flipped through a few of my books decorated with my pen scribblings and that's when I came across my tween years into teen years. You gotta love it, a typical rebellious teen! Entry after entry cussing about the parents, loving a boy one minute, hating another the next. There were the back-stabbing b*tches I couldn't stand to look at much less sit in the same class with. There were the entries that talked about unexpected colds and PMS cramps that kept me home when I had rather be socializing with my friends via my numerous extracurricular activities like running track, Student Council, the student newspaper, and the school choir.

I admit I was an angry teen for the most part beginning around the tween years at about age 11. Why? Because my parents were strict! There was no living the typical teen life in their household. When I began to find the assertive me as my breast developed more and my voice changed, my mother accused me of "sniffing" myself. An old school term typically used in the black community that pretty much meant one thing, "you like them boys!" This meant I wouldn't be visiting any one's home, riding on public transportation with friends, allowed to watch school sporting events, and I definitely wouldn't be allowed to have a boyfriend (publicly, but I still had one or two anyway despite parental warnings) until 17 years! When those very observant, wise mothers took one look at me when I was about 15, they knew I had a boyfriend back then, but you couldn't tell my mother that! "My daughter has no boyfriends! And I resent you suggesting that..." she told one who just smiled and gave me a wink when mom was looking.

I think the parents who have the worse time with their teens, like those I recall complaining about my friends and I when we were young, were those that allowed themselves to be out of touch with what it means to be a teen. They chose to forget the times they mumbled under their breath to mom and/or dad when they didn't want to do anything. They have selective memory when it comes to lying and stealing. And they have amnesia when it comes to the things they did behind their parents back that would have shamed them if only mom and dad knew!

At first I thought about tossing those old diaries, but I changed my mind, because I believe they will come in handy when my son hits 13 in less than two years. For I will look back at the things I said about my own parents who clearly didn't understand me and remind myself, "Remember what you did...remember how you felt..." and just maybe those old books will bring me a tad bit of peace.

To all you mothers out there fighting the good fight with your teens, I commend you. Do look back on your own years, remind yourself, you turned out alright through all the rebellion, misconduct, disrespect, etc.

God bless.

P.S. Take advantage of herbal supplements, prescription medicines, and vitamins they can help a hormonal teen especially one with a lot of acne--I'm a witness!

My Head Was Going to Pop Off!

There was so much going on from the phone ringing to spills on the floor, the four boys were having disagreements with one another one after the other. I was trying to make meals, delegate chores, help another paint, and separate two crying toddlers and that's when it happened--pressure rising in my head!

I headed to the bathroom and could barely let a deep breath out. My mind was letting me know we are about to take a vacation again. The last time I felt this much pressure, a panic anxiety attack came out of nowhere and there I sat frozen staring at my children! I couldn't talk, walk or anything. Months later, I was the butt of one of my son's jokes. "Glad you think its funny," I told my class clown. "But what if I didn't come out of that one, did you ever think of that?" The laughing stopped. "It's just that you looked so funny..." He must have noticed a strange look on my face that said, "Just walk away while you still have the chance."

Living in the house with all penises (I mean boys) can get next to you as the only woman of the house! There are the urine stains that show up soon after you just disinfected the toilet, the new pubic hairs that my middle son wants me to "check out," the references to itching and adjusting--"Do I really want to hear or see all of this?" I told the same son who thinks that panic anxiety is "too funny," "You are getting too old to call me into the bathroom to check out your penis issues, see a doctor." He laughed. One day he will make some woman proud.

I tell you, the joys of parenting, I see them few and far in between. The other day I was ready to ask anyone on the street, "You want to watch my kids?" Of course, I didn't, because it was anyone on the street--might not go over too well with the Mister.

I just don't get it, why all the crying with the little ones whenever you ask them (even nicely mind you) to clean up your toys and get ready to eat or put your shoes on we are going out (last I checked kids enjoy going out.) Sometimes I just don't know...

Nicholl McGuire

Being Open to Everything, Wasn't Good for Me

In 1999 I had my first child and if there was one thing I learned it was, "I was no longer open-minded once I became a mother." My "all paths lead to Christ, pro-choice, sexually immoral, cursing like a sailor, partying in the club self" that had slowed down prior to my firstborn's birth was absent by the time he was born!

You see, I couldn't very well maintain a certain lifestyle and call myself a "mother." For some moms, there's nothing wrong with doing any of these things n(in moderation they claim, but just wait until their children do it,) because well they are still very much open-minded. It's okay in some moms' worlds to accept just about anything when outside the home talking in groups, but let "anything" show up at the door and now she has boundaries. "I don't want my son hanging around him...my daughter will not be seen with him...I don't want my children around those people!" I guess she isn't so open-minded after all, huh?

I had befriended every sexual orientation under the sun offline prior to my days of being a believer and having a child even visited a club or two. There are some people in my social networks right now, both family and friends, who still live that lifestyle. The difference from the past and now, they know where I stand. I am not as open-minded as I once was and don't mind fighting for truth! Yet, this society of openness doesn't want us to have any boundaries, morals, absolute truths, even rules. They shut you out of certain circles if you take a stand on immoral behaviors. They call you names if you try to expose errors in so-called truths. They threaten your family. They attempt to delete you and your views clear off the Internet!

Our society has a bunch of robotic people brainwashed to make us act in ways that elitists want us to act--law abiding, quiet folk who mind their own business. Ever wonder why our government provides so many things on TV, the Internet, and on the radio? There are those that don't want you coming out of your homes unless you are working or entertaining yourself indoors-distractions! If you don't spend much time studying various brainwashing techniques, you wouldn't know that even you have been brainwashed to buy into a certain belief, purchase a certain product or service, or say and do certain things to further someone else's cause.

There is something about having children that snaps you back into reality! That makes you think less about your self and more about them. You re-learn what it means to love. You rediscover who you are as a woman and what you really want to do with the rest of your life. You are very critical of yourself. And of course, you are concerned about you and your family's image.

Nicholl McGuire












Nicholl McGuire

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The Five Lies of Motherhood

Within the past fifty years, motherhood has gone from exaltation to embarrassment. Instead of being proud to claim motherhood as a career, we cower in the corner and mumble out a feeble, "I'm JUST a mom!" Just a mom? Give me a break! This entire mentality wasn't even present in our culture until recently. The media is a powerful force! It can discredit motherhood with its lies and we just gulp them up like hot doughnuts. So, what lies are you living?

Lie #1--You need to take a load off. Have you heard this lie lately? It's subversive because there is so much truth in it that is being distorted. We see it in magazines, commercials, talk shows...moms are being stretched so thin, trying to do everything under the sun. Sooner or later, there is going to be a straw that breaks the camel's back. Before it's too late, mama, you had better take a load OFF! Well, here's the truth in it. Yes! We often do too much, but think for a second about what we're doing. What is eating up so much of your time that you can't do the really important stuff like raise your kids? How many television shows are you watching during a week? How often do you try to beat someone's high score on a Facebook game? How long do you spend talking on the phone? When today's culture tells us to take a load off, they mean to drop the kids off somewhere and take time for YOU. I'm ready to tell you that you need to take a load off where it really matters. Find those pointless time wasters that are pulling you away from the family and drop those from your life!

Lie #2--Your job is temporary. I know you've heard this one. It's the lie that our culture tells us over and over. Motherhood is just a little thingee to do for now. So, take a deep breath. You won't be stuck in this trench forever. It's the lie that gives you a temporal perspective on the whole family thing. Without even realizing it we begin to focus on relief from our circumstances rather than glorifying in our responsibilities. We begin to believe the lie and think that life will be good '..when the little ones finally get in preschool,..when the summer is over and the kids are back in school,..when the teenagers are finally out of the house,..' Do you see the danger here? Our culture has us believing that we need to look forward to a day when we finally get our days back! I'm ready to tell you that your job is eternal! The moments you are investing in your family today will build up in time to reward you in ways you could never imagine. THIS is your life and you need to enjoy it NOW. If not here, where? If not now, when?

Lie #3--You could do a lot better. We see this lie everywhere in the media. It's that twenty-something picture-perfect model with the little kids that seems to have it all together. It's that stunning actress posing with her family. It's the business mogul that manages to balance family and a burgeoning business. This is a lie! You cannot serve two masters. One will have your heart and the other gets the leftovers. Our culture has taught us that motherhood is failure...it's only for those women who didn't really get a decent education or can't hold a good job. It's for women who aren't creative or don't have any drive. This is a subtle message but one that certainly has rocked our ships way off course. The lie tells us, "C'mon, mom, really? Couldn't you do any better than that? Where's the glory in motherhood?" I'm here to tell you that the glory is inside of you. It's how you look at the world. When you look at the world through earthly eyes, you see it all extrinsically. Everything is outside. It's the kind of car you drive or the house you live in. It's your career title or your circle of friends. But when you look at the world through heavenly eyes, you begin to see it all intrinsically. Everything is inside. It's the contentment when you hold your baby or the pride when you see your teen succeed. It's the love that grips your heart and won't let go. And believe you, me, you cannot do any better than that!

Lie #4--You need fulfillment. Every message that the media delivers to moms is filtered through the "not enough" lie. This is an awesome tactic by the media because it works so well. You can sell anything if you create a need for it. And unfortunately, moms are buying into the lie that we don't have enough. We need it easier. We need it cheaper. We need it quicker. We need it now! If our culture can convince moms that they need fulfillment, then they have created a huge population of eager shoppers. There's only one problem here. If things make life easier, then why does it seem to be harder than ever? If things make life cheaper, then why is the average family drowning in debt? If things make life quicker, then why can't we get enough done in an average day? I'm ready to tell you that fulfillment doesn't come from without. It comes from within. Until you find fulfillment in your life where you are right now, you'll never find fulfillment where you're headed in the future.

Lie #5--You don't need to take it so seriously. Our modern culture feeds us this lie that motherhood and homemaking is just something you do on the side. And we are now seeing firsthand the results of this belief--broken homes, disparate families, failing marriages, and rebellious kids. And at the heart of it all is a mom who thought she didn't need to take it so seriously. I mean, it's not like it's a real career or something. Well, they're right about that. It's not just a career. It's a calling. When God called you to be a mom, He wasn't kidding around. I'm ready to tell you this is NOT a job to be taken lightly. This is a career that requires every bit of you and more. It is something you do with your whole heart. Stop believing the lies that our culture feeds us. See through the methods our media uses to discredit motherhood. Do it now before you waste another moment living with less than the best. The world keeps telling moms to do just enough to get by. But God sets a higher standard. He demands excellence. Motherhood is an eternal investment. You may not be able to see it now, but when you give it your all, when you approach this profession with the respect it deserves, when you stand up tall and profess loudly, "Yes! I AM a mom!" then, and only then, will you see the blessings of this consecrated career unfold before you.

Now, it's your turn. What do you think? Has our culture been handing us lies? Are you believing any of them? I want to hear from you!

Hannah Keeley is the founder of http://www.hannahkeeley.com and the mother of seven kids. She is the author of "Hannah's Art of Home" and "Hannah Keeley's Total Mom Makeover," and has appeared on the Today show, Fox and Friends, and the Rachael Ray show. Her national television show, Hannah Help Me!, is currently airing in its second season.