Reflecting back on childhood memories can be quite painful. No
one really understands just how much it hurts to see a mother you
love go to great measures to try to be everything to everyone, good,
bad or otherwise. Sometimes she goes above and beyond for others,
but for her children not so much. Of course, troubled mothers have
their reasons for treating their children wrongly sometimes, “My
kids are unappreciative…They don’t come around…They don’t
like me” while never bothering to check her self as to why that is.
There are no perfect people and some mothers and children fail to
truly realize this about one another. From cooking to advising
others, demanding mom may be a kind-hearted and seemingly sweet soul
sometimes, but then there are those moments—the ones that leave
children ashamed, spouses angry, and others secretly wishing never to
be in her presence again. Before judging those who feel this way, know that individuals, who
have been repeatedly driven mad when it comes to their mothers’
issues, have their reasons why they choose to safeguard their hearts.
It doesn’t make their emotions right or wrong, they just are.
Until there is healing within and around them, it will be a difficult
and long journey to love one’s toxic mother or mother figure now or
ever. If a troubled Mom wasn’t pretending to like this person and
that one, she had those she genuinely favored and oftentimes it
wasn’t her own child. There was something odd, mysterious even
scary about a Mom like that. Sitting back with a smirk on her face,
she seemed to have taken great pleasure in someone else’s
suffering, she may have said something like, “You reap what you
sow. You should’ve listened to me…serves you right. Always
listen to your mother. Mother knows best. God don’t like ugly.
Don’t come crying to me!” Disappoint her enough times and she
just might start bragging about others to you or comparing what they
have to what you don’t have.
For some readers who are African Americans, you might have
experienced “the attitude” or the “I know you didn’t” kind
of stare from Mama. She warned you about acting like Ms. Nice Nasty
a time or two and how “You are not too old to get your a** beat!”
Ms. Nice Nasty was just another personality of a sassy mother who
projected her woes onto her children. These women could be nice one
minute and nasty the other. She accused others of her own bad
behavior and then punished daughters and sons for it; rather than
straightening her personal issues with self out, she felt she had to
check others. It was Ms. Nasty’s attitude that some of you worked
hard to avoid. If she asked or demanded you do something, you did it
or else experience the consequences. Like a child, some of you are
still fearful of Mama’s dark side coming out. It was her evil
twin. Some of you may have called her, “The devil, a witch, evil,
crazy…”
Mom didn’t like her life much. She had experienced much
hardship and had never really been treated for mental instabilities.So where would her unresolved issues go? They usually fall on the
children. Who was going to experience her wrath once triggered by a
wrong look, an annoying sound, and angry outburst? Most often it was
the little girl or boy looking back at her. A son or daughter was at
times frightened and never quite matured around her for fear the bad
woman might come out. They were then told to, “Grow up…Stop
acting like a baby…Don’t make me hurt you…What are you looking at?” Mother was well on her way to training children to fear her
not love her.
Excerpt from
Tell Me Mother You're Sorry
Nicholl McGuire
