Too Many Kids - Yours and Theirs - Just Say No

They have their kids, you have yours.  Whether you are dating, in a marriage, visiting family members or a place with a lot of children and their nonchalant parents, chances are you are not looking forward to the added stress.  I will be the first to admit that I am not always comfortable or content being around large groups especially when children are running all over the place during holiday celebrations.  However, there are those moments where I don't think too deeply and go out anyway while hoping all will go smoothly.

You know yourself better than anyone else and when you know you aren't in the mood to deal with your family and others no matter if it is a holiday or not, don't make yourself!  At gatherings, you can see the dismal looks on many faces of parents who are making themselves do something they rather not.  Then if an issue arises involving their child, they are saying or doing something that just might set a parent, who already didn't want to be there in the first place, off!

When choosing to do something with your family during a heavy season of travel, celebrating, etc., consider the following:

1.  Will alcoholic beverages be served?  Some people do not do well under the influence.  Unruly children will easily set off a situation that might cause emotional and/or physical abuse if people are not mindful of a drunken people.

2.  How long do you plan on staying at the event?  Don't just think about the kids having fun, but how long can you put up with the noise, crowds and more?

3.  Will you be spending money and how much are you willing to distribute?  Some events require much money and if you know that you don't have much, why go?  You will only further aggravate and already financially challenging situation by spending money you simply don't have.

4.  Are you responsible for just your children or others too?  Check your mindset, body, and other things before agreeing to watch your children and theirs.  If you should feel overwhelmed you might say or do something with someone else's child that might cause future problems for you.  Know your stress levels and say "No" when you just aren't in the mood to help.

As you sit back and think about the day's events, keep in mind that most people simply want to have a good time and if you know that you have a lot going on and don't want to be bothered with children then do what's best for you, stay home!

Nicholl McGuire

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The Aftermath of Trauma - Your Child Has Triggers - Emotional and Physical

You thought you went through much growing up or during adulthood and then along comes your child who experiences some very emotionally and/or physically challenging circumstances.  Your heart cries out for your child.  You don't have a clue just how bad your offspring has been negatively impacted by others who do things like: abuse, ridicule, show resentment, rejection, control, and more.  He or she may have been a witness to your abuse and now carries much confusion and pain in one's mind and body.

You might have viewed your son or daughter in a way that you have never seen him or her before during an emotional tantrum, a moment of trial, or someone speaking softly or loudly to him or her.  You saw scars on one's body possibly, but what you didn't see was the pain left behind on one's mind and heart.  The kind of trauma that doesn't heal from a thought-provoking speech, generosity, or a new place to stay.   You might have meant well and even gave up on helping your child, because you couldn't stand to be reminded of what you or someone else put your child through.  Your son or daughter's triggers were too many, too long, and too much for you to deal with.  If you have yet to seek help or feel powerless, it is always best to let go and let God rather than scold, use or abuse someone who has already suffered enough.  Direct he or she toward some help or take them by the hand and drop them off where you know someone has the resources and patience to assist your child.

Everyday situations can turn completely upside down for the one who has been traumatized.  A simple memory, a phrase, the smell of something, or a familiar face can send any one of us back to a time in our lives that we rather run away from.  Take for instance, a runaway child who only wants to feel safe and comforted only to end up with someone who does or says something that reminds him or her of past abuse.

The aftermath of trauma can happen for years and sometimes one never learns or grows from the trials.  Childhood triggers, too many responsibilities, unsuccessful programs, failed relationships, childbirth, substance abuse, etc. can all hinder a person and keep them mentally bound and socially frustrated.

If you are a parent of an emotional child with a long history of behaviors that left you scratching your head, understand that whatever you think you might know about the child is not going to solve what he or she still has buried within.  An unstable mind after trauma is unable to stay focused long enough to heal especially without assistance.  A somewhat stable mind might be okay for awhile before it becomes an enemy of self or abuses others.  A healthy mind may appear to have everything under control for a time, but even he or she has personal challenges.

Trauma from many years or even days ago doesn't heal itself nor does it favor anyone or anything.  An individual who connects with one after trauma will bear witness to the struggle to obtain or maintain one's sanity.  For some witnesses, they just can't deal with victims and so they send or push children as well as others away.  Of course, this kind of behavior doesn't help matters, and only adds to the trauma.  If one is going to rid his or herself of the responsibility of being a parent to old or young children at least direct the person to proper treatment if you see that he or she is out of control, grieving heavily, abusing others, suicidal, depressed, etc. rather than complaining to others about him or her and disrespecting the victim. 

There must be a healthy process that takes places for the one who has been traumatized with an end result that teaches the victim and/or survivor how to manage triggers as they come.  Without it, one will only suffer over and over again with each trial.  Marriages will come and end in divorce.  Children will be born into yet another dysfunctional environment.  Society might ostracize, arrest, abuse, or kill the misunderstood.

Think deeply about the things you have experienced with your own child or someone else's.  Identify the triggers. Why do emotions continue to happen and what might be done to help the person?  And most of all, keep praying for your children and others.

Nicholl McGuire

Parents Who Don't Want to Raise Children