"We have Jimmy's practice, then Mary has a birthday party she is attending. I have to help with homework...I am saving for my kids' education...my husband will be taking the children to the amusement park...They are doing so well in school!" Does this sound close to your conversation with others about your children?
So the children's high-priced activities and sporting equipment is eating away at one's savings; meanwhile a wife has no time to date her partner. The home is in need of repair, yet it's more important to send a child off to college who doesn't even know what she wants to be when she gets older. The couple argues about the children, help the children, do for the children, and then what? There is still no time to do anything for one another--not even a compliment.
The more you want for your children, the more you take from your marriage. Don't believe me? Ask the many couples who are headed for divorce because secretly or quite openly they not only got tired of their partner, but grew weary of a relationship centered around their children! "The children need this...don't forget the children want...I don't have time because the children...the children don't need to go to bed right now...the children can play with that...the children don't have to eat that..." It's always about the children, right? Little people who will grow up to become young adults who will work very hard to get away from loving, caring, attentive parents. Then what? It's just you and He.
Whether he loves or even worships the ground the children walk on or you, someone will have to face the reality that a marriage that is centered around children won't be blissful. Oh sure, it just might beat the odds 10 to 20 plus years of marriage, but along the way things happen--lots of things and they aren't all good. Ponder the following conversation for the moment.
Husband says, "So you love the kids, honey?"
"Of course, I do." Wife responds.
"Do you love me too?"
"You know I do..."
"Well, I love you all. However, we need to make some changes around here. I can't remember the last time we had sex. The children should go to bed earlier."
Wife nods her head in agreement.
This was the first of many signs in this imagined scenario. The husband didn't mention anything more about their sexless relationship, because his eyes were distracted elsewhere.
There are so many other marital factors and other conversation that could go along with this example, but the main point is to awaken some of these moms who don't check in with their husbands as well as husbands who don't check in with their wives.
Whether a husband or wife is madly in love with the children or not, the point is that someone reading this will be divorced by this time next year, because he or she thought that a child-centered marriage is okay. You can pray together all you want, but in the end, if you or your partner deep within aren't happy, sooner or later someone is going to start thinking about leaving.
Listen to what your partner says. Find ways to make time for one another. Re-evaluate your own emotions toward partner, marriage and children. Ask yourself, "Am I spending way too much time appeasing the children while expecting my partner to go along with everything related to them?" When things seem to be too much, consider help from other sources. Sometimes children cry out for attention because they aren't happy especially when they prefer to be with the other parent, desire to be left alone, overwhelmed because they are given too many things, don't enjoy school, etc. Child- related issues will affect your marriage, so avoid ignoring the elephant in the room--discuss it! And above everything else, learn to say "No" to children. Put your past behind and how you were treated as a child.
Nicholl McGuire, blog owner and author of When Mothers Cry
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