How To Be A Bad Mother

As I sit here and reflect on the past two days and really the past two months, I am flooded with memories of the past and present. All of these thoughts run through my head and I feel so angry and resentful. Let me say I have been mad in the past few years but in complete honesty I haven’t been quite this angry and at this point I don’t know how to begin the healing process. I am back down that road of self- awareness and concern. See this is the thing, I become angry about my raw deal and the way I have been treated but then it doesn’t end there, this is what people don’t get about me. I get angry at those who hurt me but then I also turn around and become more angry with myself for not knowing better. I refuse to listen to that inner voice that usually carries me through every hardship in life, I push it to the side and then I think there is no way you can have all this anger and a relationship with God. That will usually get me through every thing I have to go through but this time I feel it penetrating to my soul.

I am angry at everyone. That brings me to memories of my mom. I sit here and rehash so many things from the past and then I think of my relationship with my mom. I am angry with my mom, can I say that again? I am angry with her. I am angry because I feel I have no relationship with her, and to be quite frank this was the start of this anger. I do know that. Now friends that are reading this, I know I should’ve come to you and told you these things but it was something I had to go through on my own this time, but I am willing to share with you now and a lot of you know the story behind this, though you weren’t aware of the extent of my feelings at this time.

My mom was a good mom growing up before my dad left. I mean we had some issues with boyfriends, hers, and other minor things back then and I held a grudge then and let it go later on. I think right now my problem isn’t with her in the past, my problem with her now is the present. Sometimes I feel very alone, this is one of those times, but yet in the back of my mind I know I am not because I have special, very special friends who help me through every thing and I mean everything, and they remind me every single day how much they care. My family is great but you have probably noticed I talk very little of them and talk a great deal about my friends.

Yes, I am angry with my mom. Why is the question. I am angry because my mom is not my mom. I mean she is more of a friend than a mother and always has been that, and I resent any motherly advice or comments. I feel if you wasn’t what I needed back then do not bother now. So she is my friend. I sit and write these articles because this is my therapy, if I didn’t write to get it out I would be a very miserable person, you thought I was going to say crazy didn’t you! See “So Now I Am Crazy & Psychotic”, great little article! Back to my mom.

You know my mom is now married has been for awhile, I mentioned it before. Her husband hates my brother and I., always has, he is one of those men who can not accept another man’s kids, but him and my mom fit perfectly because she can’t accept another woman’s, just ask my step sisters, they could tell you. My mom always chose men over her kids and that, to this day, is the most important thing to her.

Let me tell you why I am so angry. I am not aloud to visit my mom. No one in my family is especially my brother and I. My brother and my mom have virtually no relationship. I am not aloud to call on the weekends. I am not aloud to call in the evenings when he is home. When I am talking to her on the phone and he walks in, she has to go. This is her choice. He treats her like crap she takes it for whatever reason, money etc? He never says a word to my face and doesn’t acknowledge my existence other than to complain about me, and he has made comments about my kid which really sets me off. My mom has been there for me financially but emotionally no. I feel and expect her to take care of certain things because that is all she ever did, which now brings me to my next subject.

I am a bad mother. My biggest and greatest fear is that Dakota will one day walk up to me and say, I never really had much of a relationship with you, You did all these things to me and you were a horrible mom”. I think about this a lot. One thing I prided myself on was being a semi decent mom but now I am doubting that. I have been so angry lately and I know I have taken it out on him. I have yelled at him, I’ve lost my patience with him. I have even questioned him in regards to his dad, with him getting angry at me and walking away. I feel horrible about that but then I take a look back and see all the mistakes I have made along the way.

I can tell you I am not the best mother in the world. I have argued in front of my son, I have been in physical confrontations in front of my son. I have called people names in front of him. I have watched shows on TV that were more than likely inappropriate for a kid to watch. I have told him I was going to send him to his dad’s to live before. I have said, quit being a baby. I have cussed in front of him. I have told him to shut up. Losing patience is the big one and yelling. I have talked about personal things on the phone in front of him. I could go on and on. I am a bad mother, but the worst thing I ever did was leaving him one time with his dad, to go to Arizona with no clue as to when I would return. I did come back a few days later but when I left I didn’t know how long I would be gone. I also have had to leave him with his dad when I had to move and had no where to go.

His life with me has been unstable to say the least. I am a bad mother. I have put my child second many times. I get angry with people and he gets the bad end of the deal when it comes to that. I am a bad mother. I have to say my ex husband has been Dakota’s consistent and constant. I guess he does have a reason to be angry with me. Dakota definitely does and I know in the future we will be having this conversation and I don’t know or have the tools to try to change it now. I have told him I am sorry for things after the fact. I have said that I am not a very good mom, and I have no excuses. I have none.

Dakota is such a blessing. He is the one I would live and die for, but you wouldn’t know it by my actions. He is a gift and I realized that long ago when he was born. He is a good kid but I have no idea why, it must have been his dad’s doing because I don’t think it was mine. This is not me feeling sorry for myself, this is me feeling sorry for him and others around me. I always think back at all my relationships and the significance of those and what I contributed good and bad. I always get to a point where I can let go. I always blame myself in part when they fail. I end up feeling like it is me, and maybe it is.

I can be closed off and even a loner other than my friends. I think I get that way with Dakota sometimes. I think I look at him and see this person that I love more than anything and anyone and think, as much as I love him, he will grow up one day and he will look at me the way others do, and I know I am not going to be good enough. He will turn his back on me and then I will have lost everything. I will be alone then. I know I do that and the kid is 7 yrs old, but I am already thinking he is one day going to leave me when he can. This pisses me off!

I do not have a right to treat my kid in any way but how a child should be treated with love, most importantly, he needs to be cared for, to know his parents and family love and support him that they will always be there backing him and leading him, always there to pick him up when he falls, and to always just be. I guess maybe I am selfish.

I apologize Dakota and I promise you son from this day forward I am going to do better, me doing my best which I thought was good enough just isn’t. I want the very best life for you I imaginable and it starting with your childhood.

I am so sorry for all the things I have done or haven’t done. I am sorry you had to go through any pain at all in your life but especially for the pain I have caused and if you come to me one day and tell me of the things I did that hurt, I will do all that is possible to take a step forward with you and to keep on treading that path. I will also do my best from here on out to fix what I have done and to not do what I shouldn’t.

You don’t know how important you are to me and if you do know it is ten times more so then that. I need you in my life. I always wanted you and I always will love you. You are a gift, a blessing, you are the world to me. I am so proud of you. I am so happy to have you in my life and you make my life worthwhile. My time spent with you is the best times ever. You make me laugh.

My life involving you has made me a better person and hopefully one day it will make me a better mother. I did my best but now I want more than that for you. I am so sorry. I do love you more than my own life and that love will never fade, never change, and you will never ever have to be second to anyone when it comes to me. You will never be an outsider and no one, not one person, would ever take your place in my heart. I love you more than words!

Vaughn Pascal

Why Returning to College Today As a Mother is a Great Idea

Are you curious about the school grants for single mothers? Fortunately today there are grants and scholarships available to virtually everyone, including moms. Traditionally financial aid for students was limited to candidates who have exceptional academic ability or who have exceptional talent at sports. This has changed. Today, various government and state organizations provide grants to anyone who is willing - especially if you have financial difficulty.

Different types of financial aid have been offered in the past, but it was generally available to those with exceptional athletic abilities or those who have achieved a high grade point average through high school. Fortunately though, there are grants and scholarships available to practically everyone who meets the criteria. Did you know that there are back to school grants for moms available today, for example? All you need is a strong desire to succeed. If you are in a lower economic class, you probably even have a better chance of receiving a grant. Some grants in fact, you will never have to repay.

Many grants are being offered today for women and mothers specifically because they have proven to be a great asset in the workplace. In 2009, many women in the United States became interested in college when the president gave notice that there would be increased funding and college scholarships for single mothers.

Perhaps you are interested in returning to school to learn a trade. There are many opportunities today that will provide you with an excellent future economically such as culinary school. There are also many opportunities in nursing and healthcare. Maybe you have considered a career in hotel management.

There are a number of grants that can help you pay for extra expenses once you are enrolled in college. The Pell grant, for example, is an excellent resource because the money it provides can help you pay for things like books or supplies that you might need if you go to school. There are lab supplies or art supplies to consider. You might not even consider the extra cost of lab coats or paints, brushes, paper, or even a laptop computer. These things will require quite a bit of money.

Mothers in America today have a better chance of getting ahead through education today than ever before. All you need is the desire to better yourself though education and the proper focus. There are scholarships and grants that will never need to be repaid. Whatever your circumstance financially, it is up to you to take the first step and start researching the various opportunities that await you, be it from private companies or colleges.

Scholarships for moms are out there and waiting for you. After it is all said and done, if you have the determination, the drive and are ready to get started, you will have everything you need to find the proper financing to get that education to better your life.

By Sabrina West

Single mothers looking for scholarships - get more information right now at: http://informationfinancialaid.com

The Hidden Opposition in Video Games, Music & Movies

You walk into a room and see your children playing a game that appears harmless. You noticed that later the same day they are watching a show that seems to be educational. By night fall, they are listening to music in their room that doesn't sound insulting. However, stick around for awhile. Watch the show a little longer, play the video game with them for almost as long as they play it, and listen to not just one artist but all their favorite artists and READ THE LYRICS. Chances are your beloved child has been entertaining a living, breathing negative spirit in your home that is wrecking havoc somewhere in his or her mind, body, or spirit.

When I was a child my parents had no idea I was listening to NWA. They didn't know about the rated R movies that was forbidden to watch in their home, but okay to watch in other relatives' homes. They thought they had everything all figured out even when they selected games for us to play. I don't believe they gave one thought to the sexy songs they played around us and how they would later impact us. You see, when you are a know-it-all parent, you only see what is on the surface, you don't allow yourself enough time to delve deep into what the message your child may be bombarded with and how it will influence them. Heck, all you want is them out your hair. "Here take your CD and go in your room. Why don't you play one of your video games I bought you? Isn't your favorite show on, turn on the TV?" Meanwhile, he or she is seeing images they don't quite understand. They are noticing their favorite musicians and actors walking the red carpet in outfits that do more than just decorate one's body. Your daughter or son sees the rockers, rappers, and others making hand signs they have no clue what they represent. They can't comprehend the deeper meanings behind the symbols and gestures and how they are designed to manipulate the way they think. Why should they? When we as parents say, "It's okay."

There are some serious agendas that are being promoted in plain view. Have you heard of the Freemasons, Illuminati, and organizations promoting a one world government? Do you know of groups that promote hate, satanic worship, and homosexuality? Some of America's most popular rap artists are involved in some heavy devil worship, but you wouldn't suspect it since many will talk about "how god blessed them, I thank god..." The truth of the matter is they believe they are god.

Make some time to conduct research on your children's favorite musicians. Find out what some of those hand signs and symbols represent tattooed on their necks, backs, faces, and hands. You will find that many artists have admitted to selling their souls to the devil. If you are a Christian, then you definitely need to be concerned especially if you desire not to raise a hypocrite.

I was appalled at what I learned. I didn't know that some of the things that I thought was harmless were actually harmful. As soon as I got rid of certain movies, games, and music from my four little sponges (sons), their personalities became noticeabley different. They were less aggressive and seemed to be more interested in their other toys once we got rid of the Playstation 3. They were also asking me more questions about family history, my thoughts on their school related issues, and were willing to perform household tasks without being bribed, paid, or asked a million times.

I believe that there is definitely something in some of this media that we buy our children to make them lose their minds and eventually lose their souls. Its only a matter of time that more and more people in the entertainment industry will come out with some shocking truths that will make the hair on the back of any mother's neck stand up. Stay tuned.

Nicholl McGuire

My Four Boys & I: When Things Are Good, There Good

When things are good in my household, they are good, but when they are bad, they are baaaddd! Four active boys can keep you on your toes! Now that the new year has begun, the accidents, the tantrums, the time-outs, the threats, the anger outbursts, you name it we have done it all and we aren't even a month old in the new year!

I personally think that children don't need school vacations throughout the year (just pick a seasn and a couple of weeks and be done!LOL) especially if they are not doing well. For example, I asked one of my sons who isn't doing so well in school, why isn't he stepping up, completing his lessons, focusing, etc. He said, "I don't know." So I attempt to dig deeper and he blames other people. Well we spent Winter Break hitting books! From 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. weekdays with a couple shortbreaks in between, my two oldest sons were completing workbooks and worksheets as well as arts and crafts. My youngest two were being taught using flashcards, games, and videos. We all helped the little ones.

Needless to say, there were times when I had to step out the room and take a timeout myself! The questions, bickering, disruptions, and loud noises at times made me feel like I was in over my head! How much do I have to do to keep these boys busy!? When 5 p.m. shows on the clock at my house, things get loud quickly. The TV is turned up, the children are running from room to room and someone eventually yells or cries, "I'm tellin'" The next thing I know, from the smallest (who is now 2) to the oldest (who is now 10,) there is a question, concern, or complaint for me. "He hit me...He took my toy...He broke my toy...When is dinner ready?" I don't know what happens to me by 5 p.m. but I think some ugly devil of sorts mounts on my shoulders and I am ready to breathe fire on someone, "If you don't get out my face...don't you see I'm cooking? Give your brother his toy back. Stop running. Pick that stuff up. Did you take out the trash? What's that smell? Did anyone think about helping your little brother who obviously can't get that on his own? Who was in my stuff?"

In case you didn't know, I am not a single mom, but almost 9 sometimes 10 hours a day with these four, I feel like one! Thank God Winter Break is almost over! Two down and what do I do with the other two with no money for daycare and no family nearby? UGH!


Nicholl McGuire
http://www.nichollmcguire.blogspot.com/

Can We Talk?

Sometimes that's all a mother wants to do is talk. Not the kind of talk like, "Hi baby. Yes mommy knows. I love you too." She may have been talking to her own children all day like this. What a stay-at-home mother may want by hour nine is just a little adult conversation. However, what usually happens is her spouse comes through the door having had his fill of adult conversation and just wants to sit in front of the television. What does she do? How annoyed she must feel?

It hurts when you attempt to reach out to those around you to converse and your conversation is returned with a, "Hmm. Um. Okay. Alright. Hello. Have a nice day." It can be a lonely world for a woman who stays at home with children, a single mother in between jobs, or someone who happens to have children in their care with no other adult support.

Although the world may brag about being family friendly, it really isn't most of the time. A mother toting her small babies around town isn't always welcomed with a smile and a hello. Her children may receive a little smile and a touch from a stranger, but when strangers look at her their smile may fade even if she is attempting to be friendly and make small talk.

Conversation is healing for many mothers who feel alone, but when the world is busily rushing from one event to the next, passing by her in search of the next best thing to buy, they miss an opportunity to receive or be a blessing to her. They miss a bit of wisdom or possibly a great employee because they are just too consumed with what they need and want.

Sometimes we have to just take the time to stroll through our neighborhoods with the intention of talking to someone. Rather than being the one who is speaking when spoken to, maybe we should be the one speaking first. From our partners to strangers on the street, whether we or they need to talk, we should pause for a moment. Who knows what we might discover. "Can we talk?"

Nicholl McGuire
http://nichollmcguire.blogspot.com