Children and Relationship: Two Separate Issues

As mothers, when we are frustrated with the children, sometimes we have the tendency to take out our anger on our partner and vice versa.  She says, "Well if you didn't give the kids that...maybe they wouldn't behave like..."  He says, "Why don't you just get off my back, you always have something to say!"  See the difference?  One talks about an action related to the children and the other wants to criticize the way she is communicating with him.  One is a parenting issue and the other is a relationship issue.  If this conversation was to continue it would most likely reverse and reverse some more until everyone is yelling including the children in the next room.

Moms and Dads sometimes aren't conscious of how we are taking two separate issues and making them become one especially in the heat of battle.  Throw in everything else into the battle like, finances, job, relatives, location and more and you will have a myriad of issues that all end up in the same category: divorce.  When talk like this happens all hell will break lose!

We have to remind ourselves that if we handle the relationship and the children as two separate issues (as well as everything else,) things will be easier to handle.  We must pace ourselves with each issue and don't try to cover everything in a single meeting.  Maybe talk about one issue on Monday and then something else on Wednesday.  However, if we put everything in one big pile and try to handle it all at the same time in one major blow up, nothing will get done.  Rather, all parties will walk away with hurt feelings.  "Mom screamed at me." says one child.  "She was yelling at me too," says Dad.  "I couldn't hear her and didn't want to," says grandma.

I have been guilty of this sort of thing myself sometimes consciously and other times subconsciously.  I have started with an issue related to my relationship and then before long the children are involved, sometimes because they are just there--in the way!  You know, standing there looking at two adults talk while pushing trucks and cars around.  "Go play!  Now where was I..."  By this point I'm so frustrated and so is the partner mainly because it is taking too long to get to the point.

Sometimes as moms we catch a lot of heat in our relationships because of the children; yet, our partners can't see the problem behind the problem.  For instance, let's say one child has a challenge that takes up a lot of your free time while another child is always pestering you for something.  The irritation that you feel is yours and yours alone especially when your partner doesn't want to be bothered.  He doesn't see or maybe chooses not to acknowledge how your issues with the children are affecting your mood.  Now he has an issue with you, what!?  Yeah, it happens.  As confusing as it may sound, but sometimes they forget that the children and you are two separate matters and that neither you or the children should be treated as one big challenge.

We all must be mindful when raising children and handling issues with partners that we are simply flawed people.  Every situation is not going to be dealt with like a customer service rep in a fast food restaurant.  "Would you like fries to go with that shake?"  Sometimes the napkin, fork, ketchup and whatever else you asked for isn't going to be in your bag when it is given to you through the drive-thru window.  Now consider that analogy and apply it to your intimate relationship and your parenting skills.  You can't always do it all and not all at the same time, mom.  Sometimes you will forget what challenges are connected with you, the children and your relationship and when this happens, handle them all separately.

Some couples are ready to get a divorce for reasons that they see, but they fail to look at what was going on behind the scenes.  Maybe a spouse was putting too much pressure on the other to do everything right and when some things were forgotten, he or she was treated like one of the kids.  Sometimes when there is an issue with the children, the partner wants to blame his or her spouse.  He or she acts like a voter picking sides rather than working together.  When things like this happen, it isn't any wonder why men and women in relationships with children start looking to be anywhere, but at home.  Keep the children out of your relationship as best you can.  Treat them and your relationship as two separate issues.  When in the heat of battle, stay on a single topic and forget about the rest for the time being.  Who knows, your relationship just might last long after the children are gone?

Nicholl McGuire

They Don't Like You Just Because...

There are those people in this world who just don't like us mothers.  It isn't because we did anything particularly wrong to them, you see, they have ISSUES.  Big ones.  The kind that maybe their own mother created when these adults were once children.  Nothing they say or do is ever their fault.  They don't appreciate when they are exposed on wrongs.  They will lie, cover up, back-peddle or place blame on you.  "I don't like the way you said that...I don't like the way you did that...Why don't you go and take care of your children...Aren't you supposed to be cooking for your children, right now?"  You aren't invited to their parties, because you might bring the children.  You aren't accepted in their circles, because "you care too much."  You don't receive phone calls for fear that you might "mother" them. 

This idea of someone not liking you just because you are a mother might come as a shock for some, because we are typically praised especially around May.  However, what about the rest of the year?  Of course, not.  Many actions and deeds go unnoticed unless of course a mother does something bad--the world will know about it.  In your own family, if you step out of character, you just might be the topic of someone's gossip.

People who simply don't like moms, look at them as problems, because we are the ones that will point out foolishness expecially when it comes to our children.  Some of us mothers just won't go away until we see justice for our children, new policies, benefits, you name it!  Expose a wrong, mom, and look out, someone somewhere will attempt to attack your character, threaten to take your children, or go behind your back and do something to your children that they know you wouldn't approve.  It doesn't matter if it is a small evil, like giving your child a dessert before dinner time or something so harmful as abandon them.  Whatever that "it" is, the one who simply doesn't like mothers, doesn't care or respect how you feel, especially when your views and children affects their income, their time, space or everything!  The cold-hearted will stop at nothing to see to it that mothers stay in their proper place--busy.

Being a career mom on the surface, looks good, but it also means that you are too tired to fight the good fight when it comes to family issues.  You are too busy doing for your family to see how your family is truly affected by those who stay up late at night scheming or conducting meetings behind closed doors constructing plans to keep the little people enslaved to their systems.

We all know that there are just some things you just don't give your children that could possibly harm them mentally, physically and/or spiritually.  However, notice how immoral, impractical, and downright stupid some things, ideologies and most of all symbols are.  These negative things are leaked into children's television "programs," music, sporting events, education, and more.  So what do those who are too busy, too tired do or say?  Not much of anything.  They just say, "Oh that's okay, it's nothing."

We mothers must change our outlook on life as we have always known it to be.  Why keep traditions that keep some of us in bondage financially, emotionally and/or spiritually?  Why debate about frivolous things like who is going to be the next PTA president, sing in the church choir, or get a promotion or demotion?  Meanwhile, there is a steady flow of indoctrination coming through your child's school worksheets, TV, games, toys and more of all sorts of ungodly ideas, holidays, and the like.  No one says too much of anything unless they subscribe to some kind of religion.  Why must one have to belong to some group to see that wrong is just plain wrong?

I have witnessed foolishness spread like wildfire when it comes to holiday event planning.  I have seen hypocrites at work on things that they know they have no business supporting, but because there is money, friendship and fame associated with the project, they go along just to get along.

What kind of mothers are we, if we sit back and allow partner, relative, friend, and stranger say things to us and/or our children that we know are just downright stupid.  Then when our children act up as a result of us not saying anything because we want to keep the peace, we blame the child.  What sense does that make?  I think of the father who gives his child something sweet to eat before school while mom looks away, then they both wonder why every morning their child is hyper in the classroom.  I think of the mother who scolds her child whenever she is in the mood, but when her "baby" deserves it, she does nothing.  I think of the grandparents who are more interested in watching their "adult" programs that they could care less that children are around.   I think of the many mothers and fathers who allow their children to holler, cuss, and cry about almost everything and all they do is keep repeating themselves like a broken record.  Someone has got to put their foot down and say, "Enough is enough!"  Then come up with a comprehensive plan come hell or high water and see it through with or without partner on board!

We all have to look closely at who we are as mothers and do we sincerely care about our children to fight whoever or whatever that is impeding progress because they are "too tired, too forgetful, too lazy, too stubborn, too fat" or too whatever to get off their behind and do something.  To me, these are all excuses so that one doesn't have to do much for self or child.

Like I said earlier, there are many people in this world that simply just don't like mothers.  They already know that when a mother arrives on the scene someone is going to have to step out of his or her comfort zone and do something.  Lazy people don't like mothers.  Ignorant people don't like mothers.  Childless elitists don't like mothers.  Bad mothers don't like good mothers.  All sorts of people don't like mothers.  This is why you must be careful what circles you choose to sit in and what organizations you decide to give your time and money to.  Most likely, that time and money you have been programmed to believe should be going elsewhere to help the rich stay rich, should be better used to help your own family.

Some mothers run away from home only to stay away from home while other mothers stay home and don't know how to leave home.  There must be a balance!  We have all been victims of systems that do nothing more than take, take, take!  But you my friend, with a little time and knowledge (this means opening up a wise book and reading it) can reverse the curse, so to speak, and change your way of thinking!

Find radical ways to save money and gain more time to do the things that better you and your family.  Say "no" to invites to participate in things that you know if relatives and friends knew, you would be ashamed.  Stand up for your children!  It doesn't matter who the person is, if something feels wrong, demand an explanation, search for truth and don't stop looking until you are at peace!  Most of all, take real-life situations and explain to your children why something about it is right and wrong--it doesn't matter the age!  There are twenty-something, thirty-something plus folks walking around this world who still don't know the difference between what is right or wrong.  They have spent far too long learning from teachers who believe in blurring the lines between good and bad, right and wrong, boy and girl, and so much more.  Point out the differences, mom, reinforce the lines, and if so, let the hard-head learn the hard way.

As mothers, we must try hard not to coddle our children who know better.  We must remind them that there is a school for hard knocks and that if they can't accept wisdom coming from our lips, then they will learn behind the bars, through injury, a broken heart, or worse death.  Of course, you won't be liked, but who cares, you weren't put on this planet to collect Facebook "likes,"  you are here to teach, and if need be, preach.

To all the moms who care--I love you!

Nicholl McGuire, a mother who simply isn't liked for preaching truth (and proud of it!)