When Co-Parenting Goes Wrong

An offensive statement, slacking on responsibilities, using children to cause the other parent grief…whatever your challenge, it is clear that whatever amicable relationship you once had between one another it is no more!  So what to do?

Take a look at what is in your power.

Whether you are proactive in calling children, picking them up or dropping them off, there is power in doing that and the best thing to do is keep it up!  You may not like/love the other parent anymore, but you love your children don’t you?  So do what you can to make life easier for them.  You already impacted them in so many other ways that hasn’t been so positive.  

Whether you like the truth or not, you and the other parent disempowered the children when you both started warring with one another.  Their voices weren’t hard through the yelling, silent treatment and any other war you had with the other parent.  You both were determined to end the relationship, so now what you do going forward is in the best interest of the children not you or the other parent!  Hopefully, as the children mature they will heal emotionally and physically.  So it is in your power to connect with the parent to get your needs met whether personally or through a third party.  It is in your power to raise the children not to hate the other parent.  It is in your power not to badmouth the other parent to children.  State facts not opinion, when necessary.

Use the tools that have been made available to you.

From parental support groups to food and financial assistance, there are many programs that can help you feed and house your children and obtain whatever mental supports you all might need.  However, when you are stubborn, bitter or envious of the other parent, your mind is solely focused on what you can get from the other parent or how you might pay he or she back for every offense; rather than spend so much time thinking evilly of the other parent, think: “What can I do for my children and self to make our quality of life better?”  

It hurts when an ex-partner makes promises he or she doesn’t keep.  Do you focus on what he or she hasn’t done for you lately or do you get out there and do what you can to meet your family’s needs?  Let your attorney handle the legal matters while you manage your daily responsibilities whether children are with you full-time or not.

Avoid the belief that a new partner will solve your personal and professional hardships.

Too many divorced men and women are under the false assumption that if and when someone new comes into their lives that everything will be okay.  Maybe that might happen for awhile, but then the newness of the relationship wears off.  The fantasy of one big, happy family becomes a reality filled with many unhappy family members.  

The new partner is burned out with trying to appease someone who has just as much, if not more baggage than he or she.  Then again, you might end up being the one carrying the load once more in a new relationship or you find yourself dumping your load on to someone else.  Consider this you will find yourself persuading your children into accepting someone new and their offspring when they are still trying to heal from the break up between their mother and father.  Some divorced people simply ask too much from broken children.

As much as fighting parents would love to believe that they are doing all things right by their children, the truth is, they are not!  Rather they are creating further division when they stubbornly do things like:

1) Refuse to compromise on things like: appointments, what to buy children, or where to take them for entertainment.

2) Refuse to make lifestyle choices that are healthy and honest without selfish motives.

3) Refuse to slow down or stop starting new relationships without considering the current familial challenges or how even the new partner might feel about being brought into an inner circle of conflict.

4) Refuse to listen to children’s concerns and other relatives counsel.

5) Refuse to stop participating in acts of emotion, physical, financial, or even sexual abuse!

6) Refuse to seek help for addictions from shopping to substance abuse.

7) Refuse to stop talking or doing negative things to insult the other parent and possibly children.  

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and the author of When Mothers Cry

On Preparing My Young Adult Son to Move Out

The day he gave me the side eye along with that tone to his voice that only a parent can detect is downright disrespectful, I had made up in my mind that we had to work a bit faster on getting him prepared to move out.  Otherwise, I would be that parent who would one day kick him out.  I simply don’t like young adults who act angrily or disrespectful over seemingly minor issues that could easily be resolved with a question or an offer to help.

This son had been often left alone at his old residence living with dad and other family members.  All that time to self made him feel like he was an adult already even in his early teens.  He made his own meals at times, performed errands and chores, but wasn’t required to obtain employment.  It wasn’t until I brought up a job that he started pursuing one.  

I foresaw a future where he was going to have money battles with his stepparent and father if he didn’t move on getting a job quickly.  He listened and he went above and beyond at his first place of employment.  As things changed in that household so too did his plans for staying with his dad.  He ended up living with us.  Prior to his moving out, I explained how my household was run and that he would be required to work if he wanted to live with me.  He had no problem with that since he had already listened to my advice in the past and was accustomed to making his own money.

It was literally weeks after living with us that he did get a job.  However, that didn’t happen without me encouraging him and assisting with his job search.  I explained that he was to create a list of places he applied to daily and that we would have meetings going over his job search progress.  These meetings were crucial because this way he would be held accountable and I would be at peace knowing he was doing his part to take care of his self.  He didn’t want to lose what little he came with (that was a consequence) if he didn’t do what was asked.  I only had to mention that once and he continued to job search.  You see, he enjoyed gaming and that was a distraction at times.  No job search, no gaming console. 

The biggest mistake that many parents make when they are supposedly helping young adults is continuing to make life at home comfortable for them even though it is in the best interest of all to see a young adult independent, mentally strong and physically capable of taking care of his or herself.  Why would any of us want to move out if parents are paying for everything, cleaning house, doing our laundry, scheduling our appointments, cooking our food, etc. all with smiles on their faces? 

For my son, the comforts of home adjusted slightly once he started working.  I expected a reasonable household contribution and chores to be completed.  We met about that monthly to ensure that things expected of him would continue to be done.  When it was time for him to take on a second job, we did the same.  We met about the job search, discussed his present and future expenses, and shared details about apartment costs and utilities in the area.  He started saving more money to meet goals.

Now he has a move-out date and a place to stay.  Although I feel happy for him, I also feel sad because he’s my son and I love him.  However, it is a must that he has his own space.  His mind and body are changing.  As he goes through his “What it means to be a man…” life transition, he doesn’t need me to annoy or burden him.  I did my part guiding him toward his freedom.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, Say Goodbye to Dad, and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.